Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #16

SECURITY GUARD:

THERE THEY ARE!

Ben and Matt turn to Jay and Bob, Jay smiles.

JAY:

Affleck, you're the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

Jay and Bob then race out-of-frame, closely followed by the Security guards. Matt head

off, arms thrown in the air.

MATT:

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my trailer trying to figure out how I got here from

an Academy Award.

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

Jay and Bob rush out, pulling a bench in front of the door, blocking it. They race ten feet

to another soundstage across from them and head inside a door.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

Jay and Silent Bob rush in to see--

Wes Craven getting ready to direct a scene with a familiar-looking GHOSTFACE

KILLER and SHANNEN DOHERTY. The Clapper/Loader's clapboard reads: Scream 4

CLAPPER/LOADER

Scream four, scene thirty-seven, take one.

(claps it and rushes off)

WES CRAVEN:

Action!

The Killer chases Shannen around the room, falling over stuff, until she hits him with a

lamp, knocking him out.

SHANNEN DOHERTY:

Alright, you bastard! Let's see who you really are!

Shannen pulls the mask off the short performer to reveal SUZANNE.

Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed.

SHANNEN DOHERTY:

F***ing Miramax--

(getting up)

CUT!

Shannen heads over to Wes, holding the mask.

WES CRAVEN:

Shannen, usually I say "cut."

SHANNEN DOHERTY:

A monkey? Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you?

WES CRAVEN:

The market research suggest that people love monkeys.

Jay and Silent Bob rush in, grab Suzanne.

JAY:

WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!

They rush out. West shrugs to Shannen.

WES CRAVEN:

See?

Security Guards race through, chasing after the exited pair.

EXT. LOT--DAY

Jay and Bob race through the lot, with Bob carrying Suzanne. On a fake New York city

street, another movie is shooting. The trio, bob and weave through the shoot, until--

At the end of the alley, a set GOLF CART pulls up, and four Security Guards pile out,

forming a human wall, blocking their path. Jay and Bob stop dead, looking back to see

the other Security Guards gaining.

JAY:

What the f*** are we gonna do?

Just then, a P.A. on a bike pulls up nearby. He ditches the bike and grabs papers from the

large hanging basket in front.

Jay and Bob look at each other, race over to the bike, and jump on, putting Suzanne in the

basket. They start pedaling away furiously, closely followed by the Security Guard posse.

Silent Bob peddles like mad, racing toward the Golf Cart.

JAY:

PUNCH IT!!!

Bob pops a wheelie and the Bike races up the front of the vehicle, taking flight,

Below, the Security Guards stare in awe as--

Jay and Silent Bob atop the bike--with Suzanne in the front basket--go past a moon (on

a billboard, on the side of a soundstage) a la E.T.

Jay and Bob look down, then at each other. They smile. Then they look ahead and let out

a scream.

The bike crashes through a window in the side of a Soundstage Building.

INT.DRESSING ROOM--DAY

The Bike lands, and Jay and Bob, and Suzanne go tumbling onto the floor covered in

glass. They look up to see.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS dressed as Jay and Silent Bob, looking

down as them.

JAMES:

Holy sh*t--that looked like it hurt.

JASON:

Are you guys alright?

(off Suzanne)

Hey! They've got a monkey!

Jay and Bob look at their twins, then at each other.

JAY:

Yo, I think that sh*t just kicked in.

JAMES:

Let's get you guys on your feet.

James and Jason help Jay and Silent Bob to their feet. All stare at one another, perplexed,

Then--

JAY:

(to James)

See man? Its never, "Hey--you were in Loser, or, "Dude--you rocked in Boys and

Girls." It always comes back to that f***ing pie! I'm haunted by it.!

JAMES:

Well, you put your dick in a pie, dude--

JASON:

Enough!

(to Jay)

Jason Biggs.

JAY:

Yo-you really get to third base with the Russsian chick like you did in the movies?

JASON:

You mean Shannon? Sadly, no.

JAY:

She's f***ing hot, man. If I was you, I'd been like--

Jay mimes a series of sexual maneuvers. Jason and James look on, bewildered.

JAY:

(off James's-look)

What, man? You never did one of these?

Jay starts miming again, and suddenly stops, staring at James, blown away.

JAY:

Holy sh*t? You're the Dawson!

JAMES:

It's James, actually. James Van Der Beek.

JAY:

Yo, what's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? If I was you, I would've

drowned his ass in your Creek and sh*t!

JAMES:

I know, Because what--is Josh better looking than me? F***, no. I mean, who on earth is

better looking that me? I ask you.

JAY:

Joey, man! She's too fine! Yo--did you ever get to third base with her?

JAMES:

Well, there was this one time--

(catching himself)

Wait a second--who are you guys?!

JASON:

They're our stunt doubles, dumbass.

(to Jay)

Right?

JAY:

Stunt doubles for what?

JAMES:

The movie we start shooting in a few minutes--Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back.

JASON:

(to Bob)

You're doubling me. I'm playing Bluntman, AKA Silent Bill.

JAMES:

Bob

JASON:

Right. And he's playing Chronic. AKA Ray.

JAMES:

Jay! Sh*t, did you even read the script?

JASON:

There's a script?

Jay and Bob stare at them, blankly. Then Jay puts up his finger, indicating they should

wait a minute. He gets into a huddle with Silent Bob and Suzanne.

JAY:

These are the guys who are playing us, yo. We take them out, and bickety-bam! No

movie.

Silent Bob nods at Jay, then Suzanne. Suzanne heads off, leaving Jay and Bob to huddle.

JASON:

(off Jay and Bob, to James)

What's with the weird, gay huddle going on over there?

JAMES:

What's gay about it? It's two guys talking in a corner. Man--why are you such a

homophobe.

JASON:

I'm not a homophobe.

JAMES:

You are. You're always calling things gay. "Ooo--look at the gay huddle, dude!"

Suzanne approaches them.

JASON:

Hey--look at the monkey.

JAMES:

Next you're going to tell me the monkey's gay.

JASON:

He's so cute--

(to Suzanne)

C'mere. Monkey. C'mere--

Suzanne pulls Jason and James out of the frame.

While Jay and Silent Bob continue to huddle, the sounds of a beating are heard, O.C.

JAY:

Alright, here's what we do: start swinging, and don't stop until those young Hollywood

fucks are out of commission. Ready? Break!

Jay and Bob spin to face Jason and James--only to go wide-eyed. Suzanne stands atop

the fallen actors, who are bloodied and beaten and knocked out cold. She holds her hands

skyward, clasped like a champion.

JAY:

That's one funky monkey.

Suddenly there's a banging at the door of the dressing room.

VOICE (O.C.)

Mister Biggs? Mister Van..Der--Beek? This is Security. We've got a pair of intruders at

large, and they crashed through a window we thought might be yours.

JAY:

(to door; deepening voice)

Uh--yeah. They're in here.

SECURITY GUARD:

Do they have you hostage? Should we call your publicists?

JAY:

NO! I mean, we kicked those guys' asses bad. They're--knocked out.

EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAME

The Security Guards stand outside a door marked James.

SECURITY GUARD:

Great work, sirs! If you let us in, we'll take over--

JAY (O.C.)

(through door)

NO! Me and Jason Biggs are naked in here! Together!

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