Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #17

The Security guard look at one another.

SECURITY GUARD:

Uh--okay. We'll just be --outside the door, sirs.

The Security Guards stifle a laugh, as one makes a blow job face to the rest.

INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY

Bob opens an AIR VENT in the wall. He puts Suzanne into it and hands her the

tranquilizer gun, miming to her. She nods, and starts crawling through the ductwork, Bob

closes the vent again, and starts rifling through a nearby closet.

JAY:

What the f*** are we gonna do?! How are we gonna get out of here without them seeing

us?

Silent Bob pulls a pair of hangered COSTUMES from the closet, smiling.

EXT. LOT--DAY

The Security Guards push a cuffed Jason and James into a waiting Cop Car. The pair are

still dressed like Jay and Silent Bob.

JAMES:

YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS!

JASON:

HEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'M THE PIE-F***ER.

SECURITY GUARD:

(to Cops)

He'll be the pie--in prison.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAY

Jay and Bob creep toward a door (we don't see the outfits).

JAY:

This was a good idea, Lunchbox. In these outfits we're totally incognito.

Suddenly, and A.D. appears, grabbing them by the shoulders.

A.D.

Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? Great--you've changed costumes already. Let's

get you to set.

(pulling them off)

The director doesn't like to be kept waiting.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SET

It looks like the Batcave, but it's not. Off to the side, near the monitor and chair setup, a

black DIRECTOR eyeballs the hustling, white crew.

DIRECTOR:

Look at all these crackers, Seventy million dollars and I can't even get a black grip?

A white P.A. brings a cup of latte to the Director.

P.A.

Here's your coffee, sir.

DIRECTOR:

(eyes the coffee)

You spit in this? Because I know all you white folks are pissed off that the studio'd

entrust a multi-million dollar to a brother.

P.A.

I didn't spit in it, sir.

DIRECTOR:

Then taste it! Go on!

The P.A. takes the cup and sips from it. He tries to hand it back to the Director.

P.A.

It's all good, sir.

DIRECTOR:

No it ain't all good. Oh, you think I want it now, after your lips touched the cup? Get the

f*** off my set!

P.A.

You the man, sir.

DIRECTOR:

No you the Man! And that's the problem!

The Director glares at the scared P.A., as he cautiously skulks off. BANKY EDWARDS

approaches.

BANKY:

Uh, Chaka? Yeah, hi--I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and Chronic. We

met a few weeks back. I'm the executive producer.

DIRECTOR/CHAKA

Oh--you're the executive producer, hunh? Well go "produce" me a latte no white folks

spit in--okay Fucky?

BANKY:

Banky. I just wanted you to know that I respect your work as an artist. I'm something of

an artist myself. I was the inker on the comic book.

CHAKA:

An inker? What, like you trace?

Banky's face drops as the A.D. joins them.

A.D.

Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka.

CHAKA:

I don't see 'em. Where are they?

(into bullhorn)

WHERE THE F*** ARE THE STARS OF THIS PIECE OF SH*T?!

On the Bluntcave set, two massive doors open in the fake rock. Smoke pours in, and Jay

and Silent Bob--now dressed as BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--step from the

darkness. Jay and Bob survey the set, amazed.

JAY:

This must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks.

CHAKA:

Look at this sh*t.

(off their outfits)

A gay hood ornament, and the color Purple.

JAY:

Who the f*** are you?

CHAKA:

Who the f*** am I? I'm the f***ing director, is how I am. Chaka Luther King. The

creator of all of this.

JAY:

Wait a sec--I thought Holden and Banky created this sh*t.

CHAKA:

And I'm stealing it. I'm taking it back for all the sh*t you people have stolen from us! Did

you know, I came up with the idea for Sesame Street before PBS? I was going to call it

N.W.P.--Niggaz with Puppets.

(beat)

Alright--enough small talk. Let's shoot it.

Chaka heads back toward his monitor. Jay and Bob are confused.

JAY:

Wait, wait, wait!! Aren't you gonna direct us?

CHAKA:

I'll be directing you to the food stamps line after I fire your ass, if you talk back like that

to me again!

JAY:

But we don't know what we're supposed to do here. We didn't even read the script.

CHAKA:

So? Neither did I. Sh*t, neither did the studio.

(pointing O.C.)

Look man, it's not hard. In this scene, the bad guy breaks into the Bluntcave. You make

up some sh*t, fight him for a while, I film it, I yell "cut," and then head back to my trailer,

where I got more white women waiting for me there than the first lifeboat off the Titanic!

(confidentially)

They all want a part of the movie, and I got just the part for 'em.

Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed, as Chaka heads off.

CHAKA:

LET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW!

A.D. (O.C.)

QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE!

Chaka climbs behind his monitor. The P.A. is waiting for him with another cup of coffee.

P.A.

I got you another cup of coffee, sir. Spit free.

Chaka smacks the coffee out of his hand and sits down.

The Clapper/Loader jumps in front of the startled Jay and Bob, getting ready. After a

beat, he turns to Silent Bob.

CLAPPER/LOADER

I just wanna say that I loved when f***ed that pie.

(calling off)

BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK, SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE

ONE!

The clapper/Loader shuts the clapboard and races off. From behind the monitor, Chaka

calls out--

CHAKA:

ACTION!

Jay and Bob (as Bluntman and Chronic) look at each other for a beat. Then--

JAY/CHRONIC

Uh--Snootchie Bootchies.

Suddenly, the wall to their left explodes. Jay and Bob hit the deck. Through the smoking

rubble steps COCK-KNOCKER--the arch --nemesis of Bluntman and Chronic. He's a

normal-looking man with huge, overgrown FISTS.

JAY/CHRONIC

What the f***?

COCK-KNOCKER

You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave, did you, Hemp Knight? But now

you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!

JAY/CHRONIC

Why do they call you " Cock-Knocker"?

Cock-Knocker slams one of his huge fists into Jay's balls. Jay drops to his knees, wailing.

Cock-Knocker then pulls a vibrator-looking device from his cape. He presses a button on

it and a laser beam rises out of the vibrator, like a light saber.

COCK-KNOCKER

Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman?

Silent Bob quickly looks right, then left. His eyes fall on--

A wall of armaments, on which hands a SILVER BONG, under the placard: BONG

SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE. It's out of his reach.

Silent Bob closes his eyes, concentrating. He reached his hand out to the Bong Saber,

attempting the Jedi Mind Trick.

Suddenly, the Bong snaps from the armory into Bob's grip. The Bong Saber blasts to life

and Bob strikes a defensive pose. Bob rushes the astonished Cock-Knocker and the pair

start light saber dueling.

CHAKA:

(from behind monitor)

Damn! Now that was one special effect! This picture's gonna make House Party look like

House Party Two!

A.D.

Or House Party Three?

CHAKA:

Shut the f*** up!

Cock-Knocker battles Bob back. He vogues some impressive blade handling, prompting

Bob to make a run for it--up the ladder of the Bong Reactor and over Cock-Knocker's

head. He lands behind Cock-Knocker, striking another pose. Cock-Knocker then high-

kicks Bob in the face, knocking him on his ass across the floor. Cock-Knocker rushers

over to deliver a saber kill-shot, when we hear--

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