Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #18

JAY (O.C.)

YO-B*TCH-FISTS!

Cock-Knocker turns to see--

Jay, standing on the rotating monitor station, holding a double-sided saber. He clicks it

and TWO beams emit ( a la the Darth Maul light saber in Episode One).

JAY:

Call me Darth Balls. Bunngg.

Jay leaps at Cock-Knocker, wielding the double-beamed Bong Saber.

CHAKA:

(from behind the monitor)

I think George Lucas is going to sue somebody--

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

Willenholly's car screeches up, and Willenholly jumps with a shotgun. He slides across

the hood of the car and lands besie the flashing red light.

WILLENHOLLY:

(looking around)

So, this is Hollywood?

(suddenly full of purpose)

Lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob.

Willenholly c*cks his shotgun and heads for the door.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

The door bursts open, and Willenholly charges in, firing two shots, O.C.

WILLENHOLLY:

FREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!!

Willenholly goes wide-eyed.

It's not Bluntcave. We're on a different soundstage, where a kid's movie's being shot:

Mooby's Grand Adventure. There's a Barney-sized MOOBY surrounded by little KIDS.

The Kids stare back at Willenholly terrified. The Mooby suit has smoking bullet holes in

it. Mooby collapses.

WILLENHOLLY:

Oh my God--

(to kids)

Um--sorry. That was supposed to be a warning shot. Uh--it looks like I'm on the wrong,

uh--wrong set.

The Kids look at the fallen Mooby. On looks angrily at the O.C. Willenholly.

KID:

You killed Mooby--

(to Kids)

LET'S GET HIM!!!

The Kids charge Willenholly, who screams like a woman as he's attacked.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

Jay attacks Cock-Knocker with his Bong Saber, full throttle.

COCK-KNOCKER

(breaking character)

You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek!

Jay whacks away happily at the actor playing Cock-Knocker, hacking him up onto the

ladder of the Bluntcave's nuclear reactor. Cock-Knocker climbs the ladder slightly to

evade the attack, dueling Jay back with the saber in his other hand.

COCK-KNOCKER

(to O.C. Chaka)

CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A "CUT"!

On cue, Jay delivers a kill-shot to one of Cock-Knocker's huge fists, cutting it off ( a la

Empire).

Silent Bob joins Jay, as Jay turns off this double-Bong Saber, Jay grins at Cock-Knocker.

JAY:

Now whose balls have been busted,b*tch?

Suddenly, a gun shot rings out.

All turn to see a roughed-up Willenholly, training his gun first on Jay, then Bob.

WILLENHOLLY:

The C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob!

(revealing badge: calling out)

Everyone stay calm. I'm a Federal Wildlife Marshal. These men are the leaders of a

terrorist organization wanted for the abduction of a monkey.

VOICE (O.C.)

They didn't really steal that monkey.

All turn to see Justice approaching from the shadows. Willenholly trains his gun on her.

Jay's mouth drops.

JUSTICE:

It was just a diversion so we could steal these.

Justice pulls the bag of diamonds from her jacket, revealing them.

JUSTICE:

And they're not the leaders of C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T. is not real.

WILLENHOLLY:

No--the clit's real. The female orgasm is a myth.

JUSTICE:

(to Jay)

Are you guys alright?

JAY:

I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty F***.

JUSTICE:

(smiling)

You remembered.

(back to business)

It was a frame-up, Jay. Sissy. Missy, Chrissy, and I are international jewel thieves. We

were setting you up as a patsy, but I couldn't go through with it, because I ..because I

love you.

JAY:

Yeah? So that means you'll f*** me, right?

VOICE (O.C.)

If she does, it'll be considered necrophilia.

All turn to see Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy slinking from the shadows, guns drawn.

SISSY:

Because she's gonna be one dead b*tch.

(to Justice)

Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time?

MISSY:

You should've just let these guys go down, Jussy.

JAY:

Hey, I wanted to go down, but I was waiting until I got to know her a little better. See,

there was this little angel on my shoulder, and he said--

CHRISSY:

Shut the f*** up before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties.

JAY:

(looking down)

Holy sh*t, I am wearing pansy red booties!

(to Bob)

Man--why the f*** didn't you tell me?

SISSY:

Let's have those diamonds, Jussy.

JUSTICE:

I can't do that, Sissy

SISSY:

(points her gun at Jay)

Then lover --boy gets one in the brain.

CHAKA:

YO!

All turn to look at CHAKA

CHAKA:

Would any of you lovely ladies like a private audition to be in my movie?

Justice high-kicks the gun out of Sissy's hand. It lands on the ground discharging. Then everyone starts shooting and running for cover.

Jay and Silent Bob hurl themselves over the Bluntmobile.

Missy and Chrissy flip over a lavish, exquisitely-packed craft service table labeled.

CAST. They pop back up and start firing at Willenholly. Willenholly leaps behind a

barren craft service table that holds a bag of Smarties and a dented can of RC Cola. He

pops up and returns fire. When both are out of bullets, they drop back down behind the

table and reload. From behind his table, Willenholly yells--

WILLENHOLLY:

WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'M JUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE

MARSHAL!!!

CHRISSY:

TWO REASONS:
ONE--WE'RE WALKING, TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES!

MISSY:

AND TWO:
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.

WILLENHOLLY:

ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!

The Girls and Willenholly both pop back up and open fire again.

Chaka ducks behind the monitor.

CHAKA:

A shitload of white people with guns? Time to get my black ass out of here!

He races off, passing Justice and Sissy, who circle each other defensively, striking kung

fu poses.

SISSY:

You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away for a little stoner with bad

pronunciation.

JAY (O.C.)

HEY!

JUSTICE:

(ignoring him)

What's it gonna be, Sissy? Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in?

SISSY:

Are you kidding me? I taught you all all your moves myself. There's not a style you can

bust that I can't defend against.

JUSTICE:

You're no match for my "Shaolin Monk."

SISSY:

Yeah, but I can bury you with my "Crouching Tiger."

JUSTICE:

A little "Venus's--flytrap"?

SISSY:

I'll counter with "Dragon Crane."

JUSTICE:

How about a little "B*tch, My Man Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy"?

SISSY:

(beat; smiles)

Bring it on.

Justice rushes Sissy and instead of sleek kung fu, they launch into a down-and-dirty,

girl's cat-fight; hair pulling and screaming.

Behind the Bluntmobile, Jay and Bob watch all the action.

JAY:

Yo--I hope one of 'em rips the other one's shirt off and we see some tit.

Both Bob and Jay smile at each other, nodding. Banky joins them, crawling in on his

belly, covering his head.

BANKY:

Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? I just wanted to say hi. I'm--

JAY:

Banky f***ing Edwards! Just the motherf***er we came to see!

BANKY:

(shocked)

Holy sh*t! What the f*** are you guys doing here?!

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