Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #19

Sissy has Justice on her belly, banging her face into the floor, screeching.

Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.

BANKY:

Stop the movie?! Are you crazy?!

JAY:

All these a**holes are calling us names on the Internet,'cause of this stupid movie!

BANKY:

I feel for you boys--I really do. Those Net snipers can be really cruel. But Miramax paid

me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic, so it occurs to me that people bad-

mouthing you on some web-site is none of my F***ING CONCERN!

SILENT BOB:

Oh--but I think it is.

Banky stares at Silent Bob, agog, Jay rolls his eyes.

JAY:

Here we go again--

SILENT BOB:

Shut the f*** up.

(to Banky)

We had a deal with you on the comics for likeness rights. And as we're not only the

artistic basis but also the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman and

Chronic, when we said property was optioned by Miramax Films you were legally

obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed

to do that, you're in breach of the original contract--ergo, you find yourself in a very

actionable position.

Banky stares at Bob, even more agog, joined by Jay. After a beat, Jay adds--

JAY:

Yeah.

Justice now has the advantage over Sissy, holding her head and kicking her in the face,

repeatedly, screaming.

BANKY:

So, what do you guys want, to go away and take your lady friends with you?

JAY:

Shitcan this movie so we don't get called names on the Internet anymore.

BANKY:

Even if there's no movie, people are still free to talk sh*t about you on the Internet. That's

what the Internet's for: slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't going to

stop that!

In the background, we see Justice high-kick Sissy into the air.

JAY:

Well this isn't fair! We went to Hollywood, I fell in love, we stole a monkey, we got shot

at, and got punched in the motherfucking nuts! We ain't leaving empty-handed!

On cue, Sissy drops from above, landing in Jay's lap.

JAY:

What's up baby? You look good!

BANKY:

Isn't that your girlfriend's enemy?

JAY:

Oh yeah.

(pushing Sissy off him)

Get the f*** offa me, pig!

Sissy races at Justice, leaping atop her, pulling her hair.

Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.

BANKY:

You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.

JAY:

Well, we want something for our mental anguish.

BANKY:

Tell you what:
we'll settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I made.

JAY:

Half?!?

BANKY:

Half's not good enough? Fine --I'll give you two-thirds of what I made!

JAY:

F***-you--you already said half? You can't take it back!

Silent Bob rolls his eyes, Banky shakes Jay's hand.

BANKY:

Done

Justice throws Sissy off, onto the floor. Both get up, facing each other.

SISSY:

Your sh*t is so tired, Justice!

JUSTICE:

Call me Boo-Boo Kitty F***--.B*TCH!

Justice high-kicks Sissy and she goes flying across the stage.

Sissy sails toward the craft service table, landing atop Missy and Chrissy, knocking them

out.

Willenholly stands to see why the girls stopped shooting.

WILLENHOLLY:

Hello? Truce?

(beat)

I think I killed both of them.

Suddenly, he lets out a shriek and falls forward, revealing a tranquilizer dart in his ass,

and SUZANNE standing behind him, holding the gun up in the air.

Justice surveys her handiwork for a beat, then calls off toward the Bluntmobile.

JUSTICE:

C'mon guys. It's over.

Jay, Bob, and Blanky pop up from behind the car and join her.

JAY:

Yo, I was just about to jump in there and get your back.

Then, the SOUND of SIRENS rings out in the distance.

JAY:

Holy sh*t, the cops! We gotta get out of here!

JUSTICE:

No. I'm tired of running.

Justice lifts Willenholly into a sitting position and taps his face.

JUSTICE:

You awake, Marshal? Marshal?

WILLENHOLLY:

(tries to move but can't)

Oh my God, I'm paralyzed. The monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh the

irony!

JUSTICE:

(off Suzanne's gun)

You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.

WILLENHOLLY:

Jesus! Tranqued by a little monkey! My friends in the Bureau are never gonna let me live

this down!

JUSTICE:

You have friends in the F.B.I.?

WILLENHOLLY:

(crying)

They all made it in, but I failed the exam. Why the hell else do you think I became a

Federal Wildlife Marshal? 'Cause I'm a joke!

Justice looks toward the direction of the sirens, thinking. Then--

JUSTICE:

Maybe not. I can make you a deal that'll get you into the F.B.I., regardless of test scores.

WILLENHOLLY:

What kind of deal?

JUSTICE:

You drop the charges against Jay and Silent Bob and say you never found the ape. Make

sure the world knows they're not in control of any C.L.I.T.

JAY:

Now wait a second--

JUSTICE:

I'll explain later, Jay

(to Willenholly)

In exchange, I'll give you the diamonds I stole, and turn in Sissy, Missy, Chrissy, and

myself. But I want a reduced sentence.

WILLENHOLLY:

You'd be willing to do that?

JUSTICE:

(off Jay)

For him? I'd be willing to do anything.

Justice stands and takes Jay by the hands.

JUSTICE:

I'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence.

JAY:

That's alright. I'm a junkie with a monkey.

JUSTICE:

If I go to prison, will you wait for me?

JAY:

I don't know. Will we f*** when you get out?

Justice smiles and kisses Jay Passionately. The kiss should say it all, but--

JAY:

Don't change the subject. Will we f*** when you get out?

JUSTICE:

Snoogans.

Justice and Jay kiss again.

Suzanne reached up to Silent Bob, who picks her up. She grabs his face and kisses him.

Willenholly looks to Banky.

WILLENHOLLY:

Wow. There's a lot of love in the room.

BANKY:

Regardless of what you may have heard. I do not kiss guys.

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATER

Justice and Jay are still kissing, until Willenholly pulls her away and loads her into the

waiting Cop Car.

WILLENHOLLY:

Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.

(to Jay:
friendly)

Hey--stop stealing monkeys.

JAY:

F*** you.

WILLENHOLLY:

Fair enough.

Willenholly closes the door behind Justice and gets in the car.

JUSTICE:

(to Jay)

Wait for me.

JAY:

What--here?

Jay looks at Justice, confused, as the Cruiser pulls away, leaving Jay, Bob, Suzanne, and

Banky. They start walking down the lot.

BANKY:

Well, boys--you're rich in love--

(indicating Jay)

Well, you're in love. And to top that off, you've got your own monkey. What more could

two guys from Jersey possibly want?

JAY:

All those fucks to stop talking sh*t about us on the Internet, for starters.

BANKY:

What do I keep telling you? There's not much you can do to stop that. Well, short of

showing up at all their houses and beating the sh*t out of them, I guess.

Jay and Bob suddenly freeze. They look at each other and smile.

JAY:

(to Bob)

You know--with all that money we're gonna make we can buy a lotta plane tickets.

START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGE

EXT. SKY--DAY

A passenger JET flies through the sky.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY

Jay and Bob stand across the street from a house. They check the address on the big ream

of paper they're carrying, nod at each other, and cross the street.

INT. HOUSE--DAY

The doorbell rings. A MOTHER answers it to see Jay and Silent Bob standing in the

doorway.

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