Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #20

MOTHER:

Can I help you?

JAY:

Yes. Ma'am, Does--

(reading of paper)

William Dusky live here?

MOTHER:

Yes. He's my son.

JAY:

May we talk to him, please.

MOTHER:

One moment.

She walks away. After a beat, a fifteen- year-old KID comes to the door.

KID:

Yeah?

JAY:

Yo--do you post as--

(reading off paper)

Magnolia-Fan on Movie Poop Shoot.com?

KID:

Yeah.

JAY:

And did you write "F*** Jay and Silent Bob. F*** them up their stupid asses?

KID:

Yeah, a while ago. So?

Jay and Bob nod at each other, then grab the KID,pull him outside, and start beating the

sh*t out of him on his front lawn.

EXT. SKY--DAY

The passenger jet flies again, this time in the opposite direction.

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAY

Jay and Bob knocking at another door. Another MOTHER answers. They speak, she

heads inside, and another KID comes to the door.

JAY:

On Movie Poop Shoot.com. did you say Jay and Silent Bob--

(reading off paper)

"--are f***ing clown shoes. If they were real, I'd beat the sh*t out of them for being so

stupid."

KID:

(chuckling)

Yeah.

JAY:

Really--

Again, Jay and Bob pull the Kid outside and beat the sh*t out of him.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

Jay and Bob beat the sh*t out of a CLERK.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAY

Jay and Bob beat the sh*t out of a WOMAN.

EXT. RECTORY--DAY

Jay and Bob beat the sh*t out of a PRIEST.

INT. OFFICE--DAY

Jay and Bob beat the sh*t out of a BUSINESSMAN.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHT

The marquee reads: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK ARE

BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC! WORLD PREMIERE!

The front doors open and the CROWD lets out. First we see DANTE and RANDAL.

RANDAL:

Now that was worse then Clash of the Titans.

DANTE:

I still can't believe Judy Dench played me.

RANDAL:

Hey--remind me to renew that restraining order.

DANTE:

Why?

RANDAL:

Because I'm gonna blast the flick on the Internet tonight.

STEVE-DAVE and WALT exit.

STEVE-DAVE

Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie?

WALT:

Tell'em Steve-Dave!

STEVE-DAVE

Would you stop saying that?

ALYSSA and TRISH come out.

TRISH:

Well, that was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.

ALYSSA:

Yeah, sis--but it was better than Mallrats. At least Holden had the good sense to keep his

name off of it.

TRISH:

Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? You know--the one he drew

about you and him and your relationship?

ALYSSA:

You mean Chasing Amy? That would never work as a movie.

BANKY and HOOPER exit.

BANKY:

I'm so f***ing embarrassed--

HOOPER:

Honey, you should be. They took your characters and reduced them to one ninety-

minute-long-gay joke. It was like watching Batman and Robin again.

BANKY:

Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy who pretends to be Shaft as opposed to

the guy who takes shaft.

HOOPER:

I don't hear you complaining nightly. In fact, the only thing I do hear you say is "Yes,

Hooper! Cradle the balls and work the shaft!"

BANKY:

(looking around)

Hey! Hey! What'd we say? Not in public!

A guy behind them calls out to Banks.

GUY:

Nice movie, you f***ing Tracer!

BANKY:

(recognizing him)

You--!

GUY:

That's right, you sonovabitch! I'm back for round two!

Banky grabs the guy by the throat and starts choking him, while Hooper tries to break

them up.

WILLENHOLLY exits with Justice in hand-and leg cuffs and a prison uniform. They're

flanked by two ARMED PRISON GUARDS.

WILLENHOLLY:

You know, I don't get out to the movies much. But I'd have to say Bluntman and Chronic

was Blunt-tastic!

JUSTICE:

Are these leg cuffs really necessary?

WILLENHOLLY:

Don't make me shoot you, Justice.

And finally, Jay and Silent Bob come out.

JAY:

YO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET, FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND

IN THE WORLD:
MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!!

WHIP PAN to Morris day and The Time on stage, performing "The Bird." During the

song, Morris points to--

Jay and Bob, who are dancing with Suzanne and Justice (who's still in cuffs, flanked by

the Guards). Jay looks to Bob, they nod at each other and--

Jay and Silent Bob, join Morris Day and the TIME onstage, and dance us out to the coda,

which reads--

CODA:

Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back went on to make a mere 2.3 million at the box office.

It was the biggest commercial failure in the history of Miramax films.

The film was roundly drubbed as a bad idea by the denizens of the Internet chat boards,

and over the course of the next year, while they waited for the Quick Stop restraining

order to expire, Jay and Silent Bob tracked them all down and beat the sh*t out of them.

CREDITS. THEN--

INT. NOWHERE

A familiar WOMAN closes a book that's marked: THE VIEW ASKEWNIVERSE. She

puts the book down, smiles at us and skips off.

THE END:

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