Jayson Bend: Queen and Country Page #7

"Sergeant, corporal, officer,

report obey."

Yes, obey.

That seems to be a word not in

your vocabulary, let alone in theirs.

Teaching them words to write a letter home

motivates them to learn to read, sir.

You will do as you are ordered.

I'm sick to death

of your rigid f***ing rants, sir.

You are a nasty little subversive.

You think you're clever. You think

you're better than the Army.

You are vermin!

You have infested this centre.

You are disruptive, rabid, rancid!

You have brought anarchy to this centre!

Should I be hearing all this, sir?

Section 73.

An NCO shall not admonish another NCO

in the presence of a private soldier.

Are you party to this tawdry affair,

Sergeant Rohan?

Well, this is a surprise.

Admonishing an NCO

in the presence of a private soldier.

A serious offence, contrary to good order.

Do you admit to this,

Sergeant Major Bradley?

- Entrapment, sir.

- What?

- Entrapment, sir.

- Entrapment?

Is that covered in the Army Act?

Well, you know it backwards.

Is it in here?

- No, sir.

- Then guilty.

My record is unblemished.

I've obeyed the law to the letter,

every iota correct in every respect.

I'm what the Army Act

intended a soldier to be.

The moral high ground is mine.

It's mine.

I tell you, I'm what a soldier's

supposed to be.

The Army is me. I am the Army.

Land the Army are indivisible to a tee.

You, sir, you fudge and prevaricate.

You betray your commission

in your quest for easement...

That is quite enough,

Sergeant Major Bradley.

You're digging a hole for yourself.

Relieved of duties. Confined to quarters

pending psychological assessment.

I didn't think he would fall apart.

The only thing I regret

is we took the easy way.

We should have killed the bollocks.

We've wrecked his life, Percy.

Have you seen this?

Invitation to the regimental ball.

"Officers and their ladies,

NCOs and their wives,

"other ranks and their women."

It actually says that in cold print.

I thought you were making it up.

There's no mention of skivers

and their slappers.

Get your feet off Bradley's desk.

Aint's his no more.

Clean up the place. It's a shambles.

Okay, Sarge.

Come on, do it.

All in good time, Percy.

Will you have a beer?

Just get on with it.

I thought when I got rid of Bradley for you

we could all take it nice and easy.

Clean up. That's an order.

We're all in this together, Percy.

Here she is, Bill.

Well, hello.

Thank you.

Sophie, this used to be Ophelia.

And this is Sophie, Percy's friend.

Breast at the window.

Do you tell everyone?

So, Helen Montague, your cover is blown.

Pity. Anonymity

was the basis of our relati...

Ophelia was a much nicer girl than Helen.

And like Ophelia,

you ended up in the lily pond.

Not quite.

- Have you seen Sunset...

- Boulevard?

I was first in the queue.

Great movie. Billy Wilder.

That was me, face down in the swimming pool,

living my life in flashback

like William Holden.

- All because of Paul?

- No.

He got me out of myself.

He broke through.

Now I'm back in this awful shell.

It's like living underwater.

Everything is muffled and far away.

I'm here.

Thank you, William.

I said I'd save you and I will.

How, William?

With love.

oh?

I love you. I fell in love with the

back of your head at that concert

I will always love you!

God, William, can't you see I'm an invalid?

I am going to marry a sweet, dull man

who will never overexcite me.

I liked your sister, William.

I wish I was more like her.

A free spirit, spontaneous.

Goodbye, William.

I'm so tired.

What is it, Bill?

Oh, Bill.

Stay in here for a bit.

I'm sorry.

- It was lovely.

- You are beautiful.

Look. You've stopped trembling.

Oh, God. Percy.

Oh, pooey. It's my duty as a nurse.

I was giving first aid.

My Hippocratic oath

forbids me to tell Percy about it.

Hmm.

See? All better.

Cured.

Yes!

I'm on the list.

I'm on the list!

Oh, sh*t.

Sir.

Yes, sir?

Go in.

Well?

- Sir, it's about my posting.

- Posting?

Korea, sir.

Well?

Well, sir, you said

it might be different if...

If what?

If the clock...

Out with it.

If I could tell you something

about the clock.

Well?

It was Sergeant Hapgood, sir.

He took it.

Show us exactly what you did, Redmond.

The f***ing window's closed, you twat.

Yes, sir. I opened the window

before I picked up the clock,

I threw it out, the clock, sir,

then I closed the window after.

Do it again. Do it right.

I waited till Osbourne was

in the kitchen, then I did it quick.

- Osbourne?

- Must have been very quick, sir.

I was only in the kitchen

to drop off the crockery, like.

All right, we'll time it.

Osbourne, off to the kitchen.

Redmond, do the business.

Go!

Caught red-handed.

What did you do when you saw

Redmond holding the clock, Osbourne?

I didn't, sir.

I swear on my mothers life.

I don't give a f***

about your mother's life.

She deserves to die for giving birth to you.

If you were in on it, Osbourne,

I swear, I'll cut your nuts off

and make you swallow them.

Sir, I... I saw nothing, sir.

So, Sergeant Hapgood,

Redmond says you told him

to throw the clock out the window.

Why would I do that, sir?

I'm asking the f***ing questions!

- I did not.

- "I did not, sir!"

I did not, sir!

Redmond, why would you agree to this plan?

What did you hope to gain?

- Percy promised to pay me, sir.

- "Percy"? Your chum, is he?

Sergeant Hapgood, sir.

- And did he pay you?

Yes, sir. I went

straight to his quarters after.

He paid me.

Sergeant Rohan was there. He saw it.

Did Sergeant Hapgood have the clock?

- He got it. He had it.

- Did you see it in his quarters?

- He must have hid it, sir.

Sergeant Rohan.

Describe what transpired, if you will.

Private Redmond asked

Sergeant Hapgood if he had got it.

The clock? He meant the clock?

Sergeant Hapgood said, "Got what?"

Redmond said, "You know what."

Sergeant Hapgood said, 'No, I don't.'

Did he give Redmond money?

He put something in his hand, sir.

I owed him money for doing my brasses.

I never done anyone's brasses, sir.

I get nignogs to do my brasses.

It was for throwing the clock

out the window.

What a bunch of lying f***ing wankers.

This clock is going to haunt you.

I swear, you will never be free of it.

You will rue the day.

Dismiss!

Sergeant Rohan, private word.

Let us imagine for a moment

that Sergeant Hapgood

was outside that window

and adroitly caught the flying clock.

Had he done so, he would have

taken it back to his quarters,

which, of course, he shares with you.

And you could hardly not have seen it,

thus implicating you in the robbery.

I did not see the clock, sir.

Don't be hasty, Sergeant.

Think carefully.

Next day, when the camp

was turned upside-down,

Hapgood succeeded in disposing

of the clock, if indeed he had it,

and you must have been aware

of how he did it.

Habeas corpus.

No clock, no case.

So, basically, he's saying

if you testify against me,

he'll let you off.

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