JCVD Page #3

adores you too!

I'll be back in five minutes!

Name's Van Damme.

How's it going?

Hello.

Can I come in? I have a...

No, no, you can't,

we're closed.

- Closed?

- Yes.

But it's not six yet?

Please, it's very important.

I'm expecting a transfer.

Yes, but we can't...

No, seriously!

A computer problem.

Seriously? This can't be.

No, it's important, I have to...

Tomorrow, we'll let you in.

No, I need to go in today.

Listen, it's very important.

I need this money

for my family here, you understand?

Let me speak to the boss.

- Quickly, then.

- It'll take a sec. Thanks.

Hello, ma'am, how are you?

I'm here for a transfer.

The name's Jean-Claude

Van Varenberg.

Not my stage name Van Damme.

I'm sorry,

but we're out of cash today.

I told you, Mr Van Damme!

No, you told me

it was a computer problem.

Is it a cash or a computer problem?

You pick...

Listen, please give

me my money.

I have no money, my credit cards

don't work. Nothing works.

We're out of cash.

It's impossible.

This is a bank!

It's only 11, noon?

I'm broke, I have no money

and my cards don't work!

C'mon, sir.

Wait, what's your name?

Arthur.

Listen, I haven't

slept in two days,

jet lag, the Los

Angeles court,

the planes, a toy store,

my Mom on the phone, the cab,

the tip...

Wait, I have an idea.

I have a solution.

Then, collect some money.

I'm a good client here.

I'm pretty loaded.

Why don't you ask people here

for $700 or even $650?

And tomorrow take it

out of my bank account.

But, I can't!

- You don't give a sh*t, uh?

- No, I just can't!

I want my f***ing money!

I'm sick of this,

I want my money!

It's like this

since yesterday.

I have no cash on me.

Van Damme without cash! Gimme a loan.

Hey, I haven't slept,

I got on a plane...

I just got back from

a 'child custody' thing.

Look, I'm exhausted, guys.

Help me out here.

First the cab, then the toys...

Please, help me!

- OK, c'mon now.

- What? Where?

Camera?

Camera?

Is this candid camera?

Sorry, guys, sorry!

Listen, I've had a bad day,

I haven't slept in two days.

Cut this one,

it's a 'bad take'.

Put him with the others!

Are you nuts?

It's Jean-Claude Van Damme!

C'mon! Get up now!

I said, get up!

Faster!

Faster! Move faster!

Come and sit over here.

Sh*t, what did he do to you!

Breathe. Breathe, Jean-Claude.

Wow! How do you

develop your triceps?

I can't.

Watch out!

Get up! Get up!

The curtain!

- What?

- The curtain!

Don't move! Shut up!

Lower your arms!

You too, shut up!

Lower your arms!

Gimme a hand, here.

Gimme a hand! Come!

What's going on?

Don't stay here! Get lost!

Open up!

What's going on?

Open up!

Look down.

You too, look down.

What are you looking at?

Look over there!

Open up!

What are you doing?

- Are you crazy?

- He was coming in.

How are we gonna get out now?

He's gonna call back-up!

Maybe, but I'm not

turning myself in!

I'm not in Belgium to be jailbait!

Watch it!

Don't do that again!

I just wanted to see

how he was doing.

- Sh*t, I almost shot him!

- OK, sit down!

Robbing a bank in Belgium

can't be that hard!

Sh*t! What are we

gonna do now?

Leave now, while

you still can.

- He's right!

- Shut up!

Turn yourselves in.

In any case, we all saw

the gunshot was an accident.

If I want some stretching tips,

I'll call you.

Well done!

You can insult me all you want

or even hit a hostage,

but I'm not

turning myself in!

We gotta block the exits.

You keep an eye on them

and cut the crap!

You're saying that

a man broke in...

and then you say

he got in with a key!

We gotta be clear

on this one,

otherwise,

it'll be a false statement.

If you say he was drunk,

I won't know for sure

until the alcohol test has been done.

It's as simple as that.

Boss, guess who's robbing

the post office!

Who?

I liked how you pressured

the hostages earlier.

It wasn't for them.

You heard Karate Kid.

If we cooperate...

Listen up, brainiac.

Who said it was a

perfect plan,

that post offices

are like the Red Cross,

and that we'd catch

the 12:
43 train?

But, the moron...

The moron's your pal,

not mine.

So, if you wanna be

the boss...

If you wanna be the boss

and keep giving orders,

you'd better start growin' some balls

otherwise, I'm taking over.

And I don't mind

getting my hands dirty.

Commissioner! Please!

Hey, it's

Commissioner Bruges!

Is Van Damme the perp?

Wait. No declaration yet.

Has anyone been shot?

How many hostages

are held inside?

- Enough.

- What's your plan?

No, please!

Get him outta here!

Be careful with the seats.

Careful! You know how much

I can sell it for on eBay?

No, nothing's moving.

Can he turn that off?

- The whining thing?

- The nerves.

- Is that him?

- Yes.

Did he dye his hair?

He's in shock.

- What?

- He's still in shock.

Once in the film

"Hard Target",

I took a shot from a blank.

It took salts to

reanimate me.

"Hard Target"! John Woo!

- What an ass!

- Don't say that!

C'mon, Jean-Claude,

wait a sec!

He's the one who brought him

to the US.

Without him, he'd still be

filming pigeons in Hong Kong!

And then what?

He drops you!

At least, he did "Face Off".

So what?

He could have picked you!

On the other hand, when you see

"Windtalkers", there's a justice...

Got any new projects?

Not for now.

I saw a thing on the web,

what's it called?

Purple.

"Purple Amulet".

What about it?

- Steven Seagal got the part.

- What?

He got the part.

Steven Seagal?

You're ten times better!

Well, he cut off his couette.

His what?

His couette.

His ponytail!

For the first time!

Oh, I see...

That's a tough one...

Hey you! What's that?

What are you doing?

- Me?

- Yeah, you!

- Hey!

- He coughed.

No. You're disturbing us!

I think he just coughed.

- He coughed!

- Think I'm funny?

- No.

- You think I'm funny!

No.

- Oh, is he funny?

- No.

So, I see.

It's the 'aware' thing, is that it?

- Who are you?

- Drop it.

No, wait!

Who do you think you are?

You're 40

and still wearing sweatshirts?

Yeah.

Who do you think you are?

No, no, no! Shut up, OK?

He's tired, you know.

Drop it.

- Tired?

- Yeah.

I'm not tired, are you?

No, you're not.

So, shut up!

Get up.

Yeah get up, now!

- Got a smoke?

- I don't smoke.

Does anyone have a smoke?

- So?

- It's ringing, but no answer.

- No one?

- Nope.

Forget it, then.

Go get me a screamo-phone,

like they use in movies.

To shout at the public.

The day had started out fine!

But now, I'm exhausted, I'm fed up.

I got scared!

- Sir, let's stop...

- Do I know you?

I'm Commissioner Bruges.

Sir, I'm freaking out!

There's been a hold-up

across the street...

But look at my cab!

That's what I'm saying,

let's proceed 'step by step'.

Look at my cab!

A few questions, first.

I picked him up at

the airport.

Did he have any

luggage, ma'am?

Man, I can't.

Please! Only once!

I don't want to.

Open your mouth.

Be cool, just once!

I'm exhausted.

Do me a favor!

I might never see you again.

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