Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #2

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Bubba J:
Huh?

Jeff Dunham:
The midnight sun.

Bubba J:
Is that Norway's Batman?

Jeff Dunham:
No in the summer some parts of Norway get 24 hours of sunlight.

Bubba J:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
They have 24 hours of sunlight

Bubba J:
Well that's almost a whole day.

Jeff Dunham:
So we've done a lot of interesting things

while in Norway.

Bubba J:
Yeah this morning I milked a goat.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh?

Bubba J:
Achmed got mad at me. I think I was touching his chick.

Jeff Dunham:
On another subject i was talking about with Walter that Norwegians invented skiing.

Bubba J:
Oh really?

Jeff Dunham:
In Norwegian the word ski mean piece of wood.

Bubba J:
Oh yeah piece of wood, can i try speaking Norwegian?

Jeff Dunham:
Sure

Bubba J:
Ok, um that hot lady in the front row is giving me a big ski.

Jeff Dunham:
I heard something else interesting, did you know Norway sends Sweden it's garbage to use in it's recycling programs?

Peanut:
A lot of countries import other countries garbage, Canada gave us Justin Bieber.

Jeff Dunham:
I was telling one of the other guys you know Norway mean path to the north?

Peanut:
That's interesting because where we from, Mexico mean pack your bags and start running north.

Jeff Dunham:
All right.

(Lobster shop)

(Shopkeeper holds a lobster)

Shopkeeper:
Silence! I keel you.

(Back to show)

Jeff Dunham:
So while we're here.

Achmed:
Wait, I want to ask you something. Can we go to Ikea?

Jeff Dunham:
This is Norway. Ikea is in Sweden.

Achmed:
Oh, too bad. I wanted to give Ikea a new advertising slogan.

Jeff Dunham:
And what's that?

Achmed:
I-keel-you.

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, did you know the biathlon is popular here?

Achmed:
What is this biathlon?

Jeff Dunham:
It's where you ski and shoot a gun.

Achmed:
Oh! Yes, of course. But in Los Angeles, you

drive and shoot a gun.

Jeff Dunham:
I also learned today that the Vikings put their dead on a boat and sent them out to sea.

Achmed:
Yes, of course. The first Norwegian Cruise Line.

(Ireland)

Jeff Dunham:
So we landed in lovely Dublin Ireland last night, we landed, but none of the baggage did, i got like 29 baggage tags, no clothes, no dummies, no toothbrush no underwear, no nothing, so i have a show in 8 hours i guess for now i'm just going walk around and drink guinness.

(Montage till show)

Jeff Dunham:
So have you learned much about Ireland since we got here?

Walter:
I'd say Americans and the Irish pretty much think alike.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
Most of us think our government should take a flying ******* leap.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, besides politics, did you know that Bram Stoker who created Dracula is from Dublin?

Walter:
Oh really? No, Dracula. Dracula? You mean the guy who sleeps all day, goes out every night, and can't stop drinking? Wonder where Stoker got that idea?

I once picked up an Irish hitchhiker.

Jeff Dunham:
You did?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
Where was he going?

Walter:
Rehab.

Jeff Dunham:
You know this is a very diverse city.

Walter:
Yes, yes. I saw the black guy. Good for you.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you see the O'connell bridge?

Walter:
No what's that?

Jeff Dunham:
It's the only bridge in Europe that's as wide as it is long.

Walter:
Oh i married her. Is it a toll bridge?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
Oh well that's another thing my wife and the bridge have in common.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
No one would ever pay to get on her either. See if i can speak Irish. (Mumbles)

Jeff Dunham:
You're not saying anything.

Walter:
No, but they can understand me.

Jeff Dunham:
So what do you think about Dublin so far?

Bubba J:
Oh, duh, dur, uh, this is the land of beer.

Jeff Dunham:
That's right.

Bubba J I know we're going to Israel soon, but while we've been here in Dublin, I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm pretty sure this is the Holy Land. And this is the biggest alcoholics anonymous meeting I've ever been to.

Peanut:
I have a joke.

Jeff Dunham:
All right.

Peanut:
What do you call women in Ireland?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know. What do you call women in Ireland?

Peanut:
You call them women, you chauvinist bastard.

Achmed:
We landed in Belfast the other day, and I'm like what? Belfast? Am I here for a job interview. I love Dublin. I would never do anything evil to Dublin.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed:
I'm afraid of the soccer fans. But have you looked at this audience?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes.

Achmed:
Closely. When the lights are out?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes.

Achmed:
I am made entirely out of bone and teeth, and my color actually blends in.

Jeff Dunham:
All right, Achmed, look, as everybody was coming tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.

Achmed:
Yes.

Jeff Dunham:
And everybody wrote them down, and before the show we grabbed a handful, and I think you should answer them?

Achmed:
Okie dokie.

Jeff Dunham:
All right. Dear Achmed, does Guinness

go right through you?

Achmed:
You a**hole! Yes! And so does potatoes... Corned beef and ******* sunlight.

Jeff Dunham:
All right Victor, a very important question victor is this legitimate? Okie dokie. It's...

Achmed:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
All right, you really want to do this? Ok.

Achmed:
[reading a letter to an audience member in Ireland] Holy ****! From Victor, it says, "Dear Achmed, would you help me propose to my girlfriend?"

[audience applauds]

Achmed:
No. Next question.

[beat]

Achmed:
I'm just kidding. Victor, can we turn on house lights, please? House lights. Okay, the guys that are working the lights that are smoking weed, turn on the ******* lights.

[a man and a woman in the audience stand up]

Achmed:
There he is, okay. Victor, before you do this, think this through!

[Victor shakes his head no]

Achmed:
Okay, all right, let's hear it.

[Victor is seen proposing to his girlfriend, who is apparently saying yes; audience cheers]

Achmed:
Yay!

[Victor and his girlfriend hug and kiss]

Achmed:
This is the saddest thing I've ever seen! I asked your mommy to marry me, prompted by a dead terrorist. If you have kids, name the first one Achmed!

(England)

(God save our queen)

Walter:
Isn't England where Mary Poppins is from.

Jeff Dunham:
It took place in London.

Walter:
Oh yeah, OK. Yeah. You know, I dated her for a while.

Jeff Dunham:
You dated Mary Poppins?

Walter:
: Yes, I did.

Jeff Dunham:
No.

Walter:
Yeah, I did. We were very young.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh really?

Walter:
I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee. Kinda ruined things when in the moment of passion

she started screaming some weird word. It was like super California refrigerator x, B delicious lotion. Something like that. Pretty kinky chick i'll tell you that much.

(Cutscene)

Jeff Dunham:
We landed in London, it's afternoon, it's time for tea, with four very proper english ladies.

(Montage)

Jeff Dunham:
Walter do you know why were here today?

Walter:
Uh tea? How come nobody's drinking any yet?

"Well nobody's been told by mother."

Walter:
What? What did you call me?

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