Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #3

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"You hardly ever have men at afternoon tea."

Walter:
Well we'll go out later, trust me it'll be a lot of fun.

(Back to show)

Jeff Dunham:
So Peanut, what's impressed you most since we've been in England?

Peanut:
Uh, I love this country because just about everything is double entendre.

Jeff Dunham:
Like what?

Peanut:
Oh, come on. Even the food. Bangers and mash? Come on!

Jeff Dunham:
That's sausages and potatoes.

Peanut:
It sounds more like a male dance team. Or two guys dating. I don't want to be mash.

Jeff Dunham:
All right. Have you seen anyone famous since we've been here.

Peanut:
Yes i actually did, i saw Victoria Beckham.

Jeff Dunham:
You did not.

Peanut:
I did too, i think, she was facing me, and then when she turned sideways, she disappeared

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that the very first x-ray was take right here in Birmingham, England in 1896?

Achmed:
Ha! You call it an x-ray, I call it a selfie.

Jeff Dunham:
So what did you do today?

Achmed:
I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures.

Jeff Dunham:
Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.

Achmed:
No, no, no. Parliament.

Jeff Dunham:
With that in mind, have you learned anything since we've been here?

Walter:
Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham

like to be called Birmies.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Walter:
So I took that knowledge forward. Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland do not like to be called Scummies.

Oh, they got all pissed off. I don't know what the

hell they were saying. You ever try to talk to an angry Scot? Good god. (Angry scottish speaking) The **** are you saying?

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that the Revered Wilbert Awdry wrote Thomas the tank engine books here?

Walter:
Really?

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Walter:
So a clergymen came up with books for young boys? Well you know what they say?

Jeff Dunham:
What's that?

Walter:
Write what you know? I'll talk to this guy in the front row, very calm, very nice. Not you! Ok what's your name again?

Jeff Dunham:
What? Nabil?

Walter:
Is that a first name or something you take medicine to get rid off? Is that family name or your parents drunk and went "all right, let's name him Nabil." (Belches) Is that a common english name? No? A what?

"I'm from Iraq."

Walter:
Oh your from Iraq. What the ****? What are the odds? Birmingham England get the a**hole from Iraq in the front row. Ok i forgot your name is it Habdul? Nabul? Nabil. Holy crap. Can i call you Bob?

(Cutscene)

Jeff Dunham:
Here with Claire Ireland, at the Beatles story.

Walter:
Claire, let's say some idiot comes in here and has no idea who the Beatles were that happens doesn't it?

"Now again."

Walter:
yeah you got moron coming in here "who are the Beatles?" Well let's say i'm one of those guys no let's say Jeff is one of those guys, go ahead Jeff ask.

Jeff Dunham:
Um who are the Beatles?

"The Beatles were four boys that come from Liverpool that actually changed the world."

Walter:
Yeah they paved the way for One Direction, i think the Beatles are a fad. I give em three months tops.

(Back to show)

Jeff Dunham:
So what do you think of Liverpool so far?

Walter:
Having a good time. Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, this is the original home of the Beatles.

Walter:
Yeah, do Paul and Ringo ever get back here,

or are they still trying to avoid running into Pete Best?

Jeff Dunham:
For those who might be watching and not be familiar, Pete Best was the original drummer

for The Beatles before-

Walter:
Before they dumped his ass and got Ringo.

Jeff Dunham:
That's right.

Walter:
That had to suck.You think he's over it by now?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know. You know they named a

street after Pete Best.

Walter:
Oh, well, yes, great. That's got to make up for the

millions of dollars and pounds, don't you think? What the hell's the name of the street? You got screwed boulevard? Shafted Lane? It could've been you road?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know.

Walter:
You guys have all the crazy tourists wanting to see where the Beatles are from. You know, we in the U.S., we have the same thing with Elvis Presley: Graceland, in Memphis.

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah?

Walter:
Oh yeah. Shut up, no one cares here. Anyway. Graceland that's where Elvis fans flought to see where Elvis lived, and if your a Micheal Jackson fan, you can come to L.A and take a walking tour of all his plastic surgeon offices, quite lovely, the nose was done here, it fell of here, and they re-did it here.

Jeff Dunham:
And you know theres more to see here than just the Beatles stuff

Walter:
Oh yeah?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, theres the international slavery museum.

Walter:
Oh, what uplifting afternoon that should be.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that it was in Liverpool that scientists first discovered that malaria was spread by mosquitoes?

Walter:
That's just fascinating, Jeff. Let's put that on

the welcome signs. That'll bring in the tourists. Come to Liverpool! We have Beatles and mosquitoes! And one of them carries a deadly disease! Find out which one!

Ringo?

(Scotland)

Jeff Dunham:
After touring the Beatle museum in Liverpool this morning, we took a long drive and we have now reached the border between England and Scotland and here it is right here.

Marnell:
Were still 20 minutes out.

Jeff Dunham:
We'll be in Scotland in 20 minutes.

(Montage)

Jeff Dunham:
How the hell did this happen? I mean, i'm on the other side of the planet, and people know who i am and there laughing at my joke and who to think that dumb little terrorist would've brought things this far.

(Show)

Jeff Dunham:
I know a little fact. Did you know that

people in Scotland by 40 bottles of whiskey every second?

Bubba J:
This is my favorite country ever. Do they NASCAR in the uck?

Jeff Dunham:
In the what?

Bubba J:
In the uck?

Jeff Dunham:
The... oh, it's UK.

Bubba J:
Oh, you can spell.

Jeff Dunham:
But Glasgow is, uh... you told me it was confusing for you?

Bubba J:
Yeah, it is.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Bubba J:
Yesterday at lunch my waitress asked me

if I wanted some tatties and meeps. When I said yes, instead of taking off her top, she brought me food.

It was the worst strip club I'd ever been to.

Jeff Dunham:
Tatties and neeps are served with haggis.

Bubba J:
Well, she didn't show me that either. But next week were in Australia so that's what i'll see down under.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that golf was inventing in Scotland?

Walter:
Fascinating. You know what else was invented here?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Being in public and yelling ****! Wait we might use that on the DVD, there not going to let us say ****. Take two.

Jeff Dunham:
Want to do the joke again?

Walter:
Yeah what the hell it was a good joke they laughed at it. All right here we go. Take two a**holes. You talked about the way the speak?

Jeff Dunham:
Okay now look were in their country

Walter:
Yeah

Jeff Dunham:
They speak normally.

Walter:
I know some Scottish.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh yeah

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