Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #4

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Walter:
Yeah i learned it i watched a video it's like this...

I can't do it captain!

Jeff Dunham:
How 'bout the loch ness monster?

Walter:
How's that?

Jeff Dunham:
Well do you believe in a mysterious creature that lives in the murky depths and breathes fire?

Walter:
Believe in it? I married it's sister.

Jeff Dunham:
A lot of famous actors are Scottish

Peanut:
Like who?

Jeff Dunham:
Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor, Gerard Butler.

Peanut:
What about Benedict Cumberbatch?

Jeff Dunham:
No, well he's a famous actor but he's brittish.

Peanut:
I know, i just like saying Cumberbatch. Hey Babe i'll show you my Benedict if you show me your Cumberbatch

Jeff Dunham:
We've been talking about Scotland a bit.

Achmed:
Oh yes?

Jeff Dunham:
I read the other day that Scotland is actually the... I've saved this fact for you... the murder capital of Europe.

Achmed:
I didn't do it! I have nothing to do with this ****!

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that bagpipes have existed

in Scotland sincethe 14th century?

Achmed:
That is probably about the time the murder rate went up. Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish?

Jeff Dunham:
Why do you say that?

Achmed:
Sometimes she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing?

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed:
Oh sure, she'd say I kilt you. Kilt? Kilt?

Get it? Kilt? I kilt you.

Jeff Dunham:
Jackie Dawson, Jackie where are you?

Achmed:
Jackie lay off the testosterone, you sound like a ******* guy. you scared the **** out of every one around you. "Where Jackie?" "I'm here." This is why in my country we cover our women.

Jeff Dunham:
where are you Mari? Right i can't roll my R's.

Achmed:
(trilling) Don't worry i got it.

Jeff Dunham:
Ok, last name Christy is she here? Up there.

Achmed:
With the guy that sounds like a chick.

Jeff Dunham:
She says "Dear Achmed, i have a problem with strange people touching me, i would love to tell them i will keel them, but that can come across as rude, any other suggestions?"

Achmed:
Put your clothes back on and get off the pole.

Jeff Dunham:
"Dear Achmed, can you please wish Lisa Lamont a happy birthday?"

Achmed:
(laughs) no. Ok, ok, Lisa happy freaking birthday yay. How old are you? What? What the hell she say? How old?

"30!"

Achmed:
Oh ok, she said 30, but 30! I'm going to try the 30. I'm 30 you damn fool.

Jeff Dunham:
A Scottish dead terrorist?

Achmed:
30's something i can work on lad.

(United Arab Emirates)

Jeff Dunham:
So i'm in the middle of my trip we've come to Abu Dhabi, what have we been looking forward to? Riding camels, so we got in the car this morning to come out here and ride the camels, why not you have to, but what are the odds? As were coming here in the car, we picked up the newspaper and the front headline says "Avoid close contact with camels." Say the veterinarian experts. Why? Because theres new virus going around

that many people can catch, an 1/3 of the people die every day. Nah skip the camels. My question is "When you sign a little thing on an airplane, have you been to any farms? What? Nope have not... been to no farms.

(Show)

Jeff Dunham:
By the time I was done, I was 104 degrees out, and I was sweating like a pig. And... what happened?

What? Wait a minute... oh I can't say pig? What?

I don't what to say. I don't... forget it. Just... I don't know anything. What the **** are they talking about? You, you sir, no one else talk what are they saying? Please use an accent i can understand. Don't say pig? Is that it?

OK, I was sweating like a goat. All right.

Walter:
Holy crap. You're not gonna, erm...

Jeff Dunham:
What are you trying to say?

Walter:
No Achmed. No Achmed. Can you not ******* see out there?

Jeff Dunham:
I will talk to Achmed about this later.

Walter:
No, no, no. Can I, uh, get in the box and **** get the out first? It's not a good idea. We're not in Israel.

Jeff Dunham:
I know. Walter are you enjoying Abu Dhabi?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
It's the first Arab nation we've ever played

Walter:
Yeah all i can say is we may live in Hollywood, but don't worry we are not Jews. Your Welcome.

Jeff Dunham:
All right. But have you been enjoying

the sights around town?

Walter:
Oh, yeah sure. Amazing. Gorgeous buildings.

Jeff Dunham:
Gorgeous buildings.

Walter:
Yeah. Amazing structures. Fantastic hotels. Been looking forward to this a lot, and here we are in a tent. Yeah, they know how to treat the infidels, don't they?

A frickin tent.

Jeff Dunham:
It's a nice...

Walter:
Yeah, a nice tent. Yay. It's a frickin circus tent.

All we're missing is the midgets and music. Here's Jeff and Walter. This sucks.

Jeff Dunham:
No it's a fine facility.

Walter:
OK, all right. Yeah, yeah. I guess we're actually safe though.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
What moron would bomb a tent? What do you do? What are you... going cause $20 worth of damage?

Jeff Dunham:
Y'know i don't know who owns this, but if it's one guy, he might be here tonight.

Walter:
Oh good, he's gonna go home to his palace,

and here we are in a ******* tent.

Jeff Dunham:
All right! Did you that 70% of Abu Dhabi is dessert?

Walter:
Again, my wife will fit right in.

Jeff Dunham:
How is that?

Walter:
She's also dried out and hostile to all forums of life.

Jeff Dunham:
That's not nice. So Bubba J, do you know

where we are exactly?

Bubba J:
Oh, no. Sure don't. No I don't.

Jeff Dunham:
Abu Dhabi.

Bubba J:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
Abu Dhabi.

Bubba J:
You're drunk. Really?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
Say that again.

Jeff Dunham:
Abu Dhabi.

Bubba J:
I thought that's what Fred Flintstone says when he's excited.

Jeff Dunham:
No, that's yabba dabba do.

Bubba J:
It's pretty close. Abu Dhabi do!

Jeff Dunham:
That's nice.

(Montage)

(Back to show)

Peanut:
How do i look?

Jeff Dunham:
You look good

Peanut:
Ok, ok.

Jeff Dunham:
Alright, now explain to everyone-

Peanut:
Wait, wait! Come back! Come back! Come back! Come back! You're the one of the guys i really want to love me. Is it the red cape? Something wrong with that?

Did I say ham?

Jeff Dunham:
Shush!

Peanut:
Oh my god, your name is offensive! Dun-ham! Is he coming back? Did he have to go potty? Do you pick it up or pull it down? Or is there a little flap?

Jeff Dunham:
I... I have no idea if we're offending anybody, just stop!

Peanut:
I don't care; I go home in a suitcase. You're right. I'd better watch it, or you could be going home in a box, too.

(He Comes Back)

Peanut:
Oh yay! Your back, i was so worried i thought i said something to offend you and you said "I'm out of here goodbye." I figured some ******* shoe's going come flying up here, oh that would be good, cause then i would have the other one.

Achmed:
Greetings, Abu Dhabi infi... I mean, folks. Silence, I kill you! What the hell?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Achmed:
I threaten to kill them, they all go yay!

Jeff Dunham:
I think some of them actually like you here.

Achmed:
Really? You know, since being here, I've been starting to rethink the whole suicide bomber thing.

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