Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #5

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Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Achmed:
I blew myself to get a new place and a few virgins, meanwhile eight guys in the front row

here have five matches each, a bunch of hot wives,

and their own skin. I had no idea these options were available.

Jeff Dunham:
I love you guys. Good night.

"Welcome to Israel!"

Jeff Dunham:
We're in the heart of the old city of Jerusalem, where Christians, Jews, and Muslims all live together, but no matter what the difference is, the all seem to agree on one thing, satellite TV.

(Montage)

(Show)

Walter:
Where the hell are we? I forgot, yeah, we're here.

OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom. I'm surprised at how many the men in here have facial hair.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, that's true.

Walter:
Yeah, we went to the market today, and it took me 10 minutes to pick my wife out of the crowd.

(Cutscene)

Jeff Dunham:
I'm at the Carmel Market in Tel Aviv, isreal one of the most famous markets in the entire world, your supposed to buy stuff here, but your supposed to negotiate and haggle, i'm horrible at that.

Jeff Dunham:
Fine i'll give you 10.

"No."

Jeff Dunham:
How 'bout 10 shekels?"

"No, no."

Jeff Dunham:
Could i've gotten it for 30?"

"Uh you could have."

Jeff Dunham:
A 15?

"No."

Jeff Dunham:
Well you told me you guys its 28, but now that's open how 'bout 10?

"Tell you what just cause it's for you it's a Wednesday. I'll give it to you for 32."

Jeff Dunham:
See i suck at this."

(Back to show)

Bubba J:
A guy asked me today if i was Jewish?

Jeff Dunham:
What you say?

Bubba J:
I said "Well I don't now."

Jeff Dunham:
Then what happened?

Bubba J:
He asked me if i was circumscribed?"

Jeff Dunham:
Circumcised? He asked if you were circumcised?

Bubba J:
Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
It's the act of circumcision.

Bubba J:
Um well i have a television.

Jeff Dunham:
Do you know what circumcision is?

Bubba J:
No.

(Whispers and applause)

Bubba J:
Please put me back in the suitcase.

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, we've been going all over the place.

Achmed:
We have.

Jeff Dunham:
You know where we are?

Achmed:
Well, we have been going so many places I have lost track. And, uh, we... uh. What's with all the Jews?

Jeff Dunham:
We're in Israel.

Achmed:
That's so funny. Yeah, OK. Israel. Yeah, that's really funny. We're in... what?

Jeff Dunham:
We're in Tel Aviv.

Achmed:
As in Israeli Army? Holy crap. Well, I'm already dead. What the hell?

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed, trust me. You'll be fine. We're guests.

Achmed:
So they are friendly Jews?

Jeff Dunham:
Absolutely.

Achmed:
Do they bite? Can I play with one? I actually studied about Israel before we got here.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed:
Yes. This is where the letter comes from. A- C-phlegm. You guys know this stuff. Why do these folks cheer for me? Oh, I get it. You like nothing better

than a dead terrorist. I have heard folks say that Jews run the banks. Well, I say good. The Palestinians only have the West Bank, and that hasn't gone so well. Can i talk to a guy in the front row first?

Jeff Dunham:
Sure.

Achmed:
Yes. What is your name infidel?

"Honell."

Achmed:
What?

"Honell."

Achmed:
Homer? Like Simpson? Doh!

Okay you said Honell? Ok good Honell. Honell what do you do for a living?

"Electronics."

Achmed:
Electronics. Ooh! i Like you. So what do you do with electronics Honell?

"I buy them."

Achmed:
Oh you buy them, do you eventually sell them? Is this your girlfriend or wife? What?

"His mother in law."

Achmed:
Oh mother in law. That's a sad date you have Honell.

Jeff Dunham:
Dear Achmed, can you whistle the Hava Nagila?

(Hava Nagila Plays)

Jeff Dunham:
You guys are awesome! Thanks for coming out!

(South Africa)

"Have you learned anything interesting from visiting our country and do you use any of these bits in your comedy shows?"

Jeff Dunham:
We did a thing called walking with the lions, we went out there actually full grown lions, were actually walking with them, while the guy that works there throws em pieces of chicken to keep them busy, and if he runs out of chicken your screwed.

(Show)

Jeff Dunham:
What do you think of South Africa so far?

Walter:
Honestly?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Walter:
Not what I thought it would be.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
Look out there. We're in Africa, right? Lot of white folks out there.

Jeff Dunham:
It is South Africa.

Walter:
OK. Thus the continent of Africa. Well this is not what i remember from the Tarzan movies. What is your first name? David? And guys named David and Warren.

I don't think those are African names. I was expecting like (Clicks, whistles) Anyway David, what do you do for a living? Signage? What do you mean signage? you put up signs? That's exciting David. Like Stop? **** there's was an accident here well where's the ******* sign? David! Your not the a**hole putting all political signs around town are ya? This is the guy right here.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know the biggest problem in South Africa is the poaching of rhinos?

Achmed:
Oh yes i have heard this, it is manly for the rhino horn.

Jeff Dunham:
That's right

Achmed:
Yes

Jeff Dunham:
Do you know that really you don't get in trouble here if you kill a poacher?

Achmed:
Really?

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Achmed:
So you can kill poachers? You can hunt them?

Jeff Dunham:
That's right.

Achmed:
Well

Jeff Dunham:
That's what i'veheard

Achmed:
Okay, but it would be weird having a trophy on your wall with a stuffed guy named gary

Jeff Dunham:
You know, Bubba J, Joburg is a lively city.

Bubba J:
Oh yeah, unless you get shot.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that South Africa has the largest brewery in the world?

Bubba J:
The largest brewery? I'm going to write a letter.

My dearest wife, for reasons you will of course understand, I am never coming home. So after you become a citizen of the South Africa, how long does it take for your skin to turn black? These guys early on too, I think.

(Cutscene)

Jeff Dunham:
Ukutula is a place where you can see lions, scary lion, bad-ass lions. Very, very close up.

So I'm sitting amongst 10 lion cubs that are just on the verge of being unbelievably dangerous, and i've been told not to bother them while their eating or they'll turn me into part of the meal.

You need to come in here.

Rothpan:
I'm good

Jeff Dunham:
No come on trust me it's fine.

So i hand Rothpan a lion, i literally thought the guy was going pass out, i mean, he's never held anything in his hands except maybe a sandwich. And now he has an unhappy lion.

There you go, look at him trying to kiss you it's fantastic.

Rothpan:
This is very...

Jeff Dunham:
Fun. your good your obviously good with cats. Here give me one of those (fist-bump)

(Back to show)

Jeff Dunham:
I know you went on a sight-seeing bus tour today.

Walter:
Yes i did. Six hour bus ride.

Jeff Dunham:
What'd you see?

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