Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #6

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Walter:
One Block. They . say Johannesburg is best for it's cultural diversity. No it's not, it's the ******* traffic. Maybe traffic would move around better if they put up the right signs

Jeff Dunham:
All right, you guys have just been great. What a crowd. Thank you so much. All right, let's turn up

the lights real quick. Can we do the house lights? Let's do this real quick? Let's see what this is gonna look like?

Oh yeah, this'll be great. Hold on, let me get Achmed. Hold on a second. Can you do it sideways? Is that good?

This way.

Achmed:
You dumbass idiot, Jeff.

(Australia)

Walter:
Have you seen the size of the bugs in this country?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, there's some big ones.

Walter:
There was a beetle in our hotel room,

and my wife wanted me to step on it?

Jeff Dunham:
What did you do?

Walter:
Nothing. The damn thing grabbed my wife's poodle and flew out the window. I love this country. (Mimics dog) Bye! I thought the Irish could throw back a few but you guys are the drinking champions of the world. i'm surprised you don't have dead sharks with alcohol poisoning, after eating your surfers.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that even through Australia had a big influx of criminals, they now have only i don't know 1/5 of many murders as we do in the U.S.

Walter:
Does that surprise you?

Jeff Dunham:
It doesn't you?

Walter:
No. you know how much practice to kill somebody with a fricking boomerang? it's like a 1000 to 1. I know my wife tried, that poodle flew out the window and it was like "You son of a b*tch!" (Mimics boomerang) by the way are we getting paid for this gig? It's none of that aboriginty barty crap is it? What were not gonna get like a bag full of Koala poop or something like that are we? Some feathers and a long ass horn that plays one note. Thank you for coming. (Mimics horn) Shut the **** up!

Jeff Dunham:
So what are the big differences you've found between Australia and the United States?

Walter:
Well, I think down here my marriage goes down

the toilet in the other direction.

Jeff Dunham:
So Bubba J have you enjoyed Australia so far?

Bubba J:
Well someone told me that tomorrow, were going to go to Oprah's house.

Jeff Dunham:
You mean the Sidney opera house?

Bubba J:
Yeah that's it.

Jeff Dunham:
It's not Oprah it's opera.

Bubba J:
Well like you said they talk different here. So what do the austrians do for fun down here?

Jeff Dunham:
Australians.

Bubba J:
Yeah them too.

Jeff Dunham:
You know in a couple of days were going to be headed to New Zealand.

Bubba J:
Oh yeah. I have heard that they have more sheep than humans there, so i guess the country slogan should be "New Zealand, where baaaaaa means no"

Jeff Dunham:
You met and bogans?

Peanut:
What the hell's a bogan?

Jeff Dunham:
A bogan is what they call someone who's unshopisticated, uneducated or not a lot of class.

Peanut:
Ooh yes i have.

Jeff Dunham:
Who?

Peanut:
Jeff-fa-fa.

Jeff Dunham:
What have you learned from this country?

Achmed:
Uh i know the Aussies like to party, i understand there are no virgins left here, except for maybe that guy right there just guessing.

Jeff Dunham:
Dear Achmed, my dream was to see you and Jeff. I've been waiting for seven long years, so because I've been waiting so long, could I please

have a picture with both of you. Thanks, Joann. Joann, where are you? Right there?

Achmed:
Hehe, no.

Jeff Dunham:
Come on, that's fine. Come up here.

Achmed:
OK, where's your camera?

"Um, my friend has it."

Well, that doesn't ******* help.

Jeff Dunham:
OK, well take a picture of the screen.

Achmed:
Smile. Stop looking at me and rubbing your tits on my back. Because it's not my back. It's his hand.

"Thank you."

Achmed:
Actually do it again.

Jeff Dunham:
No!

Achmed:
I got your back.

Jef Dunham:
Alright

Achmed:
And her front.

Jeff Dunham:
I got it. All right. Terribly sorry.

Achmed:
Your wife is backstage.

Jeff Dunham:
I know.

Achmed:
He took a feel with his knuckles.

Jeff Dunham:
No, I didn't!

Achmed:
Fun coming up here, isn't it?

Jeff Dunham:
You can get closer. Just stand right next to Achmed. And uh

Achmed:
Don't rub your hooters. Do not rub your hooters on my scapula. I took a peak.

Jeff Dunham:
I know.

Achmed:
I see for you.

Jeff Dunham:
Stop it. OK, ready? We'll smile, whoever

is taking the picture.

(Singapore)

Jeff Dunham:
So Walter, what do you think of Singapore so far?

Walter:
Uh, it's pretty crowded here.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh yeah, that's true. It's actually the second most densely populated country in the world.

Walter:
Oh. Well, don't flatter yourself. All these folks aren't here to see you. There was just no room for them outside. But we came all the way from Hollywood California to be here, and do you know what the first place our tour recommend for us to visit? Universal Fricking Studios. I was like "We have that you dumbass."

Jeff Dunham:
What do you like about Singapore so far?

Walter:
Well, they have some tough laws.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, you heard about that?

Walter:
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know you can get fined or caned

for not flushing a toilet after using it?

Walter:
And who the hell checks up on that? What, do you got the **** police? It's the SSP, the Singapore **** police. I am not kidding. How the hell do they know? (Sniffs) Ah, that guy. Is it a random check? Or do they patrol the potties? **** duty. Fred, you investigating

that murder today? No, I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that Singapore airport is considered to be the nicest airport in the world?

Walter:
Oh really? The nicest airport in the world?

Jeff Dunham:
That's right

Walter:
Do they have many other things that say there the nicest in the world?

Jeff Dunham:
I'm not sure.

Walter:
So when you drive away from the Singapore airport it's all downhill after that.

Jeff Dunham:
I've found that every male in Singapore who is over 18 has been trained on how to use a gun.

Walter:
Oh in other words, you better be funny a**hole.

Peanut:
I heard you say earlier that in Singapore if you break certain laws they beat you with a stick. Well, maybe while were here, Jose could pick up a little extra work.

Bubba J:
So this has been a fun tour around the... where everywhere... everywhere we went. I love Singapore.

It's my favorite European city.

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know they have save water campaign here in Singapore?

Bubba J:
Oh, well I know. So today I drink 18 beers instead. You're welcome.

Jeff Dunham:
All Right

Bubba J:
So what's different here than where we live?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, I think religiously there a lot more Buddhists here.

Bubba J:
Buddhists? They all wear boots? So what do they do?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, for one they believe in reincarnation.

Bubba J:
Re-incarceration? You get out and suddenly you're right back in.

Jeff Dunham:
No, reincarnation. That you can have entire past lives you don't even remember.

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