Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map Page #7

---

Bubba J:
That happened to me yesterday. What's your name? What? (Mumbles) I'm sorry say it again slower and louder (Mumbles) I think i broke my tongue. Is there an American version of that name? like Ralph? Let me try it one more time, say it again, you watch closely cause it's not me ******* up. Ok say it again.

"Reniel"

Bubba J:
Reniel, Reniel. Oh so sorry. So Reniel... Shut up. What's your job?

"Telecom."

Bubba J:
Telecom? Oh your the guy. "Can i help you with your problem?" So Reniel what do you do-? Going downhill isn't?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah.

Bubba J:
So your on the phone going "Whats wrong with your phone i can **** you up even more. Don't tell anyone i'm trying to get porn, can you help me? (Mimics can) never mind. I just got canned.

Jeff Dunham:
I know.

Bubba J:
You need to make a new Singapore dummy

Jeff Dunham:
What is it?

Bubba J:
I want it to be the canning Singapore dummy, that way when you say stupid stuff, it goes (mimics can) cross your legs, you go "Ow ugh" And when you fall down Reinel goes "Hello can i help you?"

Jeff Dunham:
You know Singapore is one of the only countries around that recognizes Israel.

Achmed:
What the hell does that mean? How Could you not recognize it? It's like "Hey what's the country with all the Jews over there? I have no idea, i don't recognize it."

Is it other countries see Israel at a party their like "No i don't think we met." And where's Bubba J's friend (Mumbles) Can you help call (Mumbles)?

(Malaysia)

Jeff Dunham:
We had a great show in Singapore, we're packing up, and Marnel, my tour manager comes in to deliver some news. And he's sweating.

Hey, what's up? Come in.

Marnel:
I've got some information on Malaysia. They're reviewing several options, and option A is not going to be...

Jeff Dunham:
Option A meaning I can't use Achmed.

"It hasn't been defined by the cultural... what is it? Cultural sensitivity.

Jeff Dunham:
Hold it. You're saying that these guys... who are these guys?

Marnel:
It's actually one of their religious leaders that they had to fly to another city to meet with them.

Jeff Dunham:
I'm telling you I am the lamb going to slaughter. Cause they'll start booing, and they're not going to be booing me. They're going to be booing the

fact that this is happening.

"They're probably aware a lot of this stuff."

"They're probably used to restrictions."

Jeff Dunham:
No, they're not.

"They're probably used to living with."

Jeff Dunham:
We are promoting the show with Achmed on the poster.

It's going be a challenge because obviously i have to leave out any references to anything even remotely to religion, i can't even say the word virgin, i can't even say the name Achmed. um, i mean i could of course i could but... i wanna go home, i don't want to stay here and get canned.

"Well, the main concern of for the Malaysian government

is that an artist is suitable for the Malaysian culture.

Achmed is a little bit sensitive to the Malaysian public.

We need to be careful about what we put on stage.

The final ruling is that Achmed the dead terrorist

is not allowed on stage.

Jeff Dunham:
Have you learned anything constructive about Malaysia since we've been here?

Walter:
I did learn on the radio you can not talk about politics, religion, or sex.

Jeff Dunham:
That's right

Walter:
Well there goes most of our show

Jeff Dunham:
Did you know that Malaysia has been independent now for 47 years?

Walter:
Fascinating. And a coincidence

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
I lost my independency when i got married 47 years ago. And guess what? We don't talk about politics, i lost my religion, and there is no sex.

(Cutscene)

Jeff Dunham:
So i'm in the middle of my show, and i look toward the sides of the room, and theres military guys with rifles, and they don't look happy.

(Show)

Jeff Dunham:
Please don't get me into trouble.

Walter:
I don't care. Keep looking around your surrounded.

Jeff Dunham:
Please let me change the subject

Walter:
Ok.

Jeff Dunham:
I like being here

Walter:
Ok. That's good cause you might be here a long time now.

Peanut:
What is your first name?

"Sean."

Peanut:
Sean. is that with the E? The N? or the H?

"EAN"

Peanut:
Oh EAN so it's actually Seen.

Jeff Dunham:
No

Peanut:
Is this your wife girlfriend or another investment chick who is this?

"It's my mom."

Peanut:
What?"

"My mom."

Peanut:
Oh your mom. Holy ****! Chicka Chicka Bow Bow. So Sean wheres your girlfriend?

"She's at home."

Peanut:
At home? What the hell dude? Is it cause your mom paid for the ticket? Why'd your bring your mom and not your sister? I mean girlfriend- what the ****? Hey maybe it's the same thing. you can be honest, does your girlfriend not care about us, is that it?

"Final exams."

Peanut:
Oh she's in the middle of final exams? And you just don't care. Gonna tell your professor "But sir i was at a puppet show, with my mom." So Sean what is your girlfriend studying?

"Management."

Peanut:
Management? Well you better look out you gonna get the finance thing she's gonna ******* tell you what to do.

Jeff Dunham:
After we booked this show, we were contacted by the Malaysian ministry of arts, and history, and culture. And they asked me very nicely and sternly

to not bring a certain character to the show tonight.

They even said please do not even mention his name,

but I know that people are here because you've seen stuff on YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone. However, I want to respect the request because I am a guest here, but at the same time you paid your money to see what you thought you were going to see. That certain person is not here. However, his brother... is here. He is from France. Please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist.

"Bonjour American pig."

Jeff Dunham:
So you are French?

"Oui, oui. C'est Francais."

Jeff Dunham:
Uh-huh. And your name is Jacques?

"Oui. Je m'appelle Jacques."

Jeff Dunham:
And what is your last name?

"Merde. What are they laughing at? My name is Jacques Merde. I do not understand what they are laughing at.

Jeff Dunham:
I think Merde is translated into, uh... ****

"I am Jack ****?"

Jeff Dunham:
Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy.

"You don't know Jack ****! Wait, that is not funny!"

Jeff Dunham:
They're laughing.

"I... kill you!

Jeff Dunham:
So you're happy to be here?

"No."

Jeff Dunham:
Why is that?

"Where are we exactly? Do not spit on my face, you ugly American. Where are we exactly?"

Jeff Dunham:
Kuala Lumpur.

"Oh, oui. Kuala Lumpur. Malaysia. The weather here is ********. Where I am from the weather is up. Morning is up. Afternoon and evening is up.

Jeff Dunham:
I don't think the weather in France is always hot.

Rate this script:3.2 / 5 votes