Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #10

JEFF DUNHAM:
Ole! And that's Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!

(applause and cheering)

Peanut:
Wait. Wait a minute! I... I forgot to tell Jose something. Open the box back up. Immigration!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Stop it.

Peanut:
Well, he pissed me off.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, Peanut, it's about time to end the evening.

Peanut:
No wait!

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
I got one more thing to do.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No, the show's about over.

Peanut:
No it's not! I got one more thing.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
Okay, look. Just trust me on this. I have a new hobby.

JEFF DUNHAM:
A new hobby?

Peanut:
Yes.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What is it?

Peanut:
I am now a ventriloquist, too.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No, you're not.

Peanut (Non moving mouth): Yes, I am.

JEFF DUNHAM:
That was... that was pretty good.

Peanut:
I know. Compared to me, (non mouth moving) you suck.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Really?

Peanut:
Let me show you how it's done.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, you need a dummy.

Peanut:
He's in the box.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You have a dummy?

Jose:
Over here, senior.

JEFF DUNHAM:
He's... in the box?

Peanut:
Yep. Right next to Jose.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Can I get him out?

Peanut:
Yep.

JOSE:
Don't touch my stick.

Peanut:
Careful!

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
(whispering): He's really ugly.

JOSE:
He is ugly, senior.

Peanut:
He is nasty-looking.

JOSE:
He's so scary, I wet my stick.

JEFF DUNHAM:
But he's right here.

Peanut:
He's the only other guy in there, check it out, look, look, look!

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right, let's see this, here we go...

(cheering and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I thought you said he was ugly.

Peanut:
He is!

JEFF DUNHAM:
He looks a little like me.

Peanut:
No... he looks a lot like you!

JEFF DUNHAM:
This isn't funny.

Peanut:
Then why is everyone else laughing?

JOSE:
I laughed, too senior. I laugh so hard i crack my stick.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Do you know how to work this?

Peanut:
Of course I do.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know there's a little lever down there...

Peanut:
I know.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You grab onto the lever...

Peanut:
I know.

JEFF DUNHAM:
And you pull on it...

Peanut:
I know!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Now, do you have a hold of the lever?

Little Jeff:
He's got a hold of something.

Peanut:
See, I can do this, too!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Fantastic.

Peanut:
How are you, little ugly Jeff?

Little Jeff:
Not good.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait, wait, wait a minute. You're going to

call him Ugly Jeff?

Peanut:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Little Ugly Jeff.

JEFF DUNHAM:
ls there any other name? Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

Little Jeff:
I like that.

JOSE:
Me, too, senior.

Little Jeff:
Thank you.

Peanut:
You're welcome.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute. I would prefer you didn't use the word "ass."

Peanut:
Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

Little Jeff:
Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff, I am Ass Jeff.

Peanut:
See? It's good.

JOSE:
Bravo!

Peanut:
Gracias.

Little Jeff:
De nada.

JEFF DUNHAM:
This is ridiculous.

(cheering)

Peanut:
So, how are you, Little Ugly Ass Jeff?

Little Jeff:
I'm sad, Handsome Peanut.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait, wait a minute. Handsome Peanut?

Little Jeff:
Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff.

JEFF DUNHAM:
He is me.

Peanut:
Good point.

Little Jeff:
I hate my ugly-ass self.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right.

Peanut:
He said he was sad.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I heard him.

Peanut:
Why are you sad, Ass Jeff?

Little Jeff:
Because I'm a loser.

Peanut:
Yeah, that is sad.

Jose:
And he's ugly.

Little Jeff:
And I'm ugly.

Peanut:
Thank you.

Jose:
ls okay.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you stop this?

Peanut:
That's a shame, Little Ugly Ass Jeff.

Little Jeff:
I have no idea how I made it this far in life.

Peanut:
Me neither.

Jose:
No one does.

Little Jeff:
I suck.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right.

Peanut:
Maybe you can make up for your loserness by having a good personality.

Little Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Doubtful.

Jose:
No way.

Peanut:
I'm sorry.

Little Jeff:
Me, too.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay, look. You guys really think this is funny.

Peanut:
Oh yeah.

Jose:
Si.

Peanut:
Definitely.

Jose:
The truth hurts.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay. I'll tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny? I have something here that you're going to like.

Peanut:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just trust me. You're going to love this.

Little Jeff:
What the f*** is that?

Little Peanut:
Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot! (high-pitched giggles)

Peanut:
That is not funny.

Little Peanut:
Yes, it is!

Peanut:
No, it's not!

JEFF DUNHAM:
I think it is.

JOSE:
Me, too.

Little Jeff:
LOL

Peanut:
Shut up!

JEFF DUNHAM:
You guys have been awesome. Thank you. Good night. (rock music plays) You guys are awesome!

We'll see you next time! Good night!

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