Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #9

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's how I work your arm.

Peanut:
(muffled scream) That explains why that one sucks.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just read this.

Peanut:
(Chinese accent): "Missa Peanut..." Come on. Let me stay in character.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right.

Peanut:
"Why you make fun of just a-Chinese people? Why not make fun of...?" (normal voice): What does that say?

JEFF DUNHAM:
"People who are brack?"

Peanut:
(belly laugh) You are so stupid! (nasal laugh)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I think he's talking about African Americans.

Peanut:
Yes, he is! Why does everyone here know that but you?!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just read it.

Peanut:
(nasal snickering) (panting) "De're much funnier saying things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie' "and 'Where my money, b*tch?' "Sincery, your biggest fan, Bob. P.S. Your lucky numbers are 18, 34, 46."

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right, Peanut, time to introduce the next guy.

Peanut:
Oh, dude, does he have to come out here?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why not?

Peanut:
He's a talking jalapeo!

(audience cheering)

Peanut:
On a stick-k!

JEFF DUNHAM:
So?

Peanut:
How random is that?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, Jose, has been in our act for years.

Peanut:
I know. And when folks see us, do you know when they say the best time to watch Jos is?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
When they're drunk off their asses. In fact, isn't that how you came up with him in the first place?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't know. But I do know that's when I came up with you.

Peanut:
You jerk!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just introduce him.

Peanut:
Ladies and gentlemen, here is Jose Jalapeo on a Stick!

(audience cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Good evening, Jos.

Jose:
Hola, Seor Jeff.

JEFF DUNHAM:
How are hue...? Whoops.

Peanut:
What the hell was that? Were you trying to say, "How are you?" and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?" Why is that we speak perfectly and you f*** up?

(laughter and cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't know.

Peanut:
Would you like me to help you?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm fine.

Peanut:
Come on. Follow me one word at a time.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Peanut:
Come on. Just do it.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Peanut:
Do it!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay.

Peanut:
Okay. How...

JEFF DUNHAM:
How...

Peanut:
Are...

JEFF DUNHAM:
are...

Peanut:
You?

JEFF DUNHAM:
You?

Peanut:
Good

JEFF DUNHAM:
Good.

Peanut:
Right.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right.

(audience cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
How are you, Jose?

Jose:
I don't know. It took too long. Actually, I'm excited, senior.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why are you excited, Jose?

Peanut:
Probably 'cause you're holding his stick.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Do you have to do jokes like that?

Peanut:
It's just weird to me that in front of everyone,

you're holding Jos's stick.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Any Suggestions?

Peanut:
You should at least take him out to dinner first.

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's just a stick.

Peanut:
Maybe it's actually a handle.

JEFF DUNHAM:
A handle?

Peanut:
Yeah, you could use Jose as a weapon.

JEFF DUNHAM:
To hit with?

Peanut:
Yes!

Jose:
I want to go back in the box.

Peanut:
Oh this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?" "He got whacked by a jalapeo."

Jose:
On a stick.

Peanut:
Yes! Think about it. You'd be wielding a Mexican whacker.

Jose:
On a stick.

Peanut:
Yes! Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick Robin and one of their weapons was a batarang?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yes, of course.

Peanut:
Oh, dude.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
You just showed your geek. (sniffs) And it smells like loser.

Jose:
You're not a loser, senior.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Thank you, Jos.

Peanut:
Suck-up.

Jose:
Muppet reject.

(laughter)

Peanut:
Hey, he can drop you, and then I'll throw down a couple avocados. And we got guacamole!

Jose:
I could still burn your ass.

Peanut:
Good point.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right. (chuckles) Look-

Peanut:
Wait! The Batman thing just made me think of something.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
If this comedy business doesn't work out for you,

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah?

Peanut:
you can be a crime fighter.

JEFF DUNHAM:
A crime fighter?

Peanut:
Yes. You could be Dunham Man... with Jose, your trusty sidestick. (chortles)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I see. So you're saying I would be a superhero.

Peanut:
Mm, ...ish.

Jose:
ish? It this like Jewish?

Peanut:
No, Jose, you're not Jewish, cause then you wouldn't be Jose Jalapeno. You'd be Hymie Jalapeno. On a bagel. (laughs) Where would you hold him, then? (chortles)

Jose:
In the hole.

Peanut:
I am not touching that.

Jose:
No, you probably never have.

(audience gasps)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay.

Peanut:
This sucks!

Jose:
So we're a crime-fighting team, senior?

Peanut:
Yes!

JEFF DUNHAM:
What kind of crime do we fight?

Peanut:
Illegal aliens.

Jose:
I think there's a conflict of interest.

Peanut:
Look, so you find the illegals, whack 'em on the head with Jose, and every time Jos hits someone, he yells...

Jose:
Ole!

-Yes!

Peanut:
Pretty cool, huh?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I guess so. But uh, do I get a costume? What?

Peanut:
Anything from those earlier photos.

Jose:
I'd go with the red shorts, senior.

Peanut:
Yeah, then you'd be Ugly-Ass Crackerman.(laughs)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay, look, for this crime-fighting thing,

how's Jose gonna dress?

Peanut:
Well, he needs a disguise.

Jose:
lt's difficult to hide a big stick.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm not saying anything.

Peanut:
Of course not. You're still holding it.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Jose, I don't know how you put up with this.

Jose:
I have nowhere else to go, senior.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
He was evicted.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Jose:
Evicted.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Really?

Peanut:
Yep.

Jose:
Si.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You were evicted?

Jose:
Si.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why didn't you come to my house?

Peanut:
(snickering)

JOSE:
Ask Peanut.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why didn't he come to my house?

Peanut:
We told him you loved eating Mexican food!

Jose:
I was afraid for my life.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So where'd you take him?

Peanut:
Taco Bell!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
That was really mean.

Peanut:
I know!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Hey look. What about moving all of Jose's stuff?

Peanut:
Achmed tried to rent a truck.

Jose:
No bueno.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Alright (chuckles) So did Walter help?

Peanut:
He couldn't because of his war injury.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter has a war injury?

Peanut:
Yeah, he strained his thumb playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So you and Achmed did everything.

Peanut:
Yep. Jos didn't lift a finger. (laughing) (laughing):

Cause he doesn't have a finger! Hey, ever met Jose's sister?

Jose:
Don't do it.

Peanut:
She's really hot. (shrieking with laughter) I'm just kidding, Jose.

Jose:
I know. You're more into fruit.

Peanut:
Hey!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Hang on, you guys.

Peanut:
No, you hang on.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
Why are you laughing at him?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Cause he's funny.

Peanut:
Oh, he is, is he? I know what you're doing.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm not doing anything.

Peanut:
You're giving Jose the better insults.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm just listening.

Peanut:
Don't give me that crap. We all know this is all you.

Jose:
If you get any closer, he's going to whack you with me. Whack!

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