Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #8

A.J:
l keel you.

Achmed:
That's my boy!

(cheering and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
He's purple, he's wacky, he's been around for a while. Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!

(cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
How you doing, Peanut?

Peanut:
Doing pretty good. How about you?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm fine.

Peanut:
That's good, that's good, that's goo-ood.

(cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
You like it here?

Peanut:
I love it here. It's beautiful. It's sold out. The place is paid for. We must be on an Indian reservation.

And these are all Indians.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Look, Peanut, first of all, the more politically correct term these days is Native American.

Peanut:
Oh, yeah. Well i certainly wouldn't want to piss 'em off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure.

(laughter)

Peanut:
I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Penaut:
Native American.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Peanut:
Cause when you say Indian, you don't know which one the hell they're talking about.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
ls it the ones that go... (war chant): Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. or the ones that go... (Indian accent): Thank you

for calling customer support.

(laughter and cheering)

Peanut:
But in this case, I'm talking

about the ones that go... (war chant): Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya (high-pitched): HY-Ya, hy-ya... how.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Do you know what that chant means?

Peanut:
No, but I think it means, (chanting): J I forgot

the words, hy-ya, hy-ya.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening.

Peanut:
Oh, goody. Let's play craps.

(laughter)

Peanut:
What? They've got the reservations and the casinos and making millions of dollars every day hand over fist. They're laughing all the way to the bank.

Oh that's what it is, they're laughing. (chanting): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
What is wrong with you tonight?

You're being a little extra annoying.

Peanut:
I'm sorry. I got cranky today because we didn't have anything to eat on the bus.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right. We haven't been to the store in a while.

Peanut:
So you know what I had to do?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
I had to phone order take-out Chinese food.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh.

Peanut:
Have you done this lately?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Phone order take-out Chinese? No.

Peanut:
Excuse me, but do these guys get together in the morning and decide who speaks English the worst?

(laughter)

Peanut:
(Chinese accent): Okay, Chin, today your day to take the phone order. Oh, Chin making a fool of you... (gibberish)

(laughter)

Peanut:
So here's me placing a phone order for take-out Chinese food.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What was the name of the restaurant?

Peanut:
Oh, Taste of China. Hello, I'd like to place a phone order today. Oh, this is Chin... (gibberish) Okay, I need two orders of kung pao chicken. (heavy Chinese accent): Oh, you like kung pao chicken? I like kung pao chicken, too... (gibberish)

(laughter)

Peanut:
Okay, and I need something with salmon. Ooh, you like-a the fish? You like-a the fish? It tastes... (gibberish) Yeah, and I need chopsticks. Oh, no fork?

(laughter)

Peanut:
I said I need chopsticks. No fork?

Chopsticks. No fork? No fork, no fork. Taste a-vagina like fish.

(laughter and applause)

Peanut:
Could you repeat that? No fork. Taste a-vagina like fish. Did you get it? No fork. Taste a-vagina...

JEFF DUNHAM:
They got it! First of all, do you know

how racist that is?

Peanut:
That's a-why it's so f***in funny.

(cheering)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Now, Peanut, you've been doing this bit for a few weeks now and I've been a little bit worried about it.

Peanut:
Why?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Because I didn't know if it was pushing

the racism thing too far, and my fears actually came true this afternoon.

Peanut:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right before the show started, we actually got an e-mail, and this was from a guy that was at one of our shows a couple of weeks ago. The guy's obviously

of Asian descent. He saw the whole show, including

the Taste of China bit. He was offended, and the guy took the time to write an e-mail to complain. And I know when one person takes the time to write an e-mail

like this, there's usually a bunch of other people who feel the same and don't take the time. I feel bad about this.

I want to make it right to this guy, I'd like for you to read his e-mail and we're going to send him the DVD.

Peanut:
Well, thanks for bringing our show to a grinding, freakin' halt.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
It doesn't matter. I feel strongly about this, and it's the right thing to do.

Peanut:
It's to me.

JEFF DUNHAM:
That was the only weird part about it.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
The only thing i could figure out is the guy was just trying to be real specific.

Peanut:
I think he didn't know your name and didn't care.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Doesn't matter. Go ahead and read it.

Peanut:
Okay. "Dear Peanut: (heavy Chinese accent): "Herro..."

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm sorr...

(cheering)

Peanut:
Oh, now how could I pass that up? You threw a slow ball down the middle of the plate. I had to f***ing swing.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right, you got your laugh. Ha-ha. Just do it right.

Peanut:
Okay, do it right, do it right.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right, go ahead.

Peanut:
(heavy Chinese accent):

"Dear Mr. Peanut...

(laughter)

Peanut:
Herro..."

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Peanut:
I'm not.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening.

Peanut:
(heavy Chinese accent): Oh, so sorry.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you stop it?!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's not right.

Peanut:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's not right.

Peanut:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's not right.

Peanut:
It's "snot" right? Everybody heard you. You said "It's snot." You might as well have gone, "It's (snorting) right." Daddy, don't hit Mommy. Daddy, don't hit Mommy.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What you're doing is not right.

Peanut:
Okay!

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's wrong.

Peanut:
Okay!

Peanut:
No.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Peanut,

Peanut:
No! No! It's Not right.

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's bad.

Peanut:
I'm a bad Peanut.

(laughter)

Peanut:
It's not right.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay.

Peanut:
It is not...

JEFF DUNHAM:
Stop it.

Peanut:
Right!

JEFF DUNHAM:
I got it!

Peanut:
(belches)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Stop it!

Peanut:
Whoo! Egg foo yung! Whoo!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just read it.

Peanut:
(Chinese accent): "We see your show rast night and we raugh and raugh."(normal voice): What? They're raughing.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Just do it straight.

Peanut:
Oh, you're such a b*tch.

(laughter)

Peanut:
Seriously. Oh, my God...! (normal voice): Dude...

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Peanut:
where's your other hand?

(prolonged applause, cheering and whistling)

Peanut:
I hope you're wearing a glove. Do you do this

to the other guys?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Everybody except Jose.

Peanut:
Yeah, you shove the stick up his ass. I think I'd rather have that.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You have a stick.

Peanut:
What? (shrieks) What the hell was that?!

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