Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #2

I am not kidding. It's the greatest thing ever!

I have the satisfaction of knowing, if I go to bed angry with my wife, it's gonna be taken care of. This is all absolutely true. I had to get up early for an East Coast flight, about 3:30. My wife and I had argued, I wake up still mad at her. 4 am, I'm ready to walk out the door,

but I still love her. I go to kiss her. I walk over and put my hand on her... "Rusty, my man!" It's still warm, she hasn't woken up yet. I lean over, "I love you honey, see you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!" Rusty's at the end of the bed just wagging his tail. I'm at the front door, "I hope

he doesn't teach Bill to do that." We have three daughters. They are 9, 11 and 15 years old. They've had normal childhoods. Most things have been great. Some things have been different because of the ventriloquism.

For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak. Not when Mommy's around. "Ken, you smell like beer and cigarettes." I'm a lot of fun to hang around Toys 'R' Us around Christmastime. Boys run to their parents, "Mommy, know what that G.I Joe said to me?"

They will never catch me. We try to take family walks as often as possible. On these walks, we let one kid pick out one dog. One evening we let Kenna, the 9- year- old, choose. Kenna seems to have a real twisted sense of humor. We don't know where that came from.

We have a leash. One of those big self retracting leashes.

You push the button and it quickly retracts. Don't beat me to the funny part. I walk out the front door and

think I'll be the first one there. Kenna is out front and has Darby hooked up to that leash. She's 2 feet away. Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up.

Darby is going... I ask Kenna, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make her heel automatically."

I say, "Kenna! It doesn't work. I already tried it." "High five."

We're out for a walk and Kenna has the dog at full extension. 30 or 40 feet on the leash and she hasn't given up on what she's trying. As we're walking she's

pushing the button and letting it up. Looking at the dog,

looking at the leash, i see the wheels in her head turning... "What is this twisted little child going to do?"

As we're walking, she pushed the button. Quickly and on purpose, dropped the leash. Do you see the brilliance here? The leash then began to chase the Chihuahua.

A big hunk of black plastic skimmed across the pavement. The Chihuahua stopped. She heard a new noise. She looked behind her. Here comes the leash.

At this point, the Chihuahua is smart enough to know, that now would be a good time to panic.

She took off like a bullet down the street running as fast as she could. But the leash was slightly faster.

I'm standing there, "Where's the video camera?" "We can win 10,000 bucks! 'Watch what happens!"' And sure enough...

Of course my wife and my two oldest girls...

Kenna and I are rolling in the lawn.

I'm high- fiving her, telling her she's a genius.

Mommy turns around, sees us laughing.

"Crap! Don't look her in the eye. Look down. Back away slowly."

"Rusty will piss on her later."

Ladies and gentlemen, you're an awesome audience.

How about we get to the people you came to see tonight?

The first guy, I think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this. In your own family or where you work. Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.

Walter:
Get a life.

Jeff:
How you doing, Walter?

Walter:
What happened to your hair? Looks like

you were in a car wreck.

Jeff:
They said it makes me look hip.

Walter:
I think it makes you look homeless. Been in D.C. for two days and you're already homeless. Holy crap.

Jeff:
Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.?

Walter:
Oh yeah. There's nothing quite like being

mugged in our nation's capital.

Jeff:
There's a lot of excitement that goes on in Washington, D.C.

Walter:
Yeah, what happens in D.C. stays on YouTube.

Jeff:
So you don't like being in D.C.?

Walter:
No, I like it. I get screwed on my taxes every year.

So it's fun to come visit the source.

Jeff:
What did you do for fun today?

Walter:
Stood in front of the IRS building. I just flipped them off.

Jeff:
Did you go to the White House?

Walter:
Oh yeah.

Jeff:
That's where the most powerful man in the free world lives.

Walter:
Oprah?

Jeff:
What's wrong with you tonight?

Walter:
I don't know. I'm just pissed. I don't want to go home.

Jeff:
Why not?

Walter:
I think my house is haunted.

Jeff:
Why do you think that?

Walter:
My wife is there. I walk in the front door and all I hear is, "Get out!"

Jeff:
You got in another argument on the phone today, didn't you?

Walter:
You heard that, did you?

Jeff:
Oh yeah.

Walter:
Hung up on her.

Jeff:
Not good.

Walter:
No.She called right back, "Did you hang up on me?" I said, "I don't know, did it sound something like this?" Click.

Jeff:
Did that make her angry?

Walter:
Oh I felt a disturbance in The Force.

Jeff:
You ever made her that mad when you're standing in front of her?

Walter:
Yeah.

Jeff:
What'd you do?

Walter:
Well my mother told me if you're in a jam and don't know what to do, you should think, "What would Jesus do?" So I tried to turn her into a fish. I stood there going, "Begone, Satan!" "Hello, Shamu!" Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole. Aw, screw you. That was funny.

(Looks at camera guy)

Walter:
Look, it's the CIA. I see you. We can all see you. You know, the show looks a lot better from the front.

Is the director drunk? What the hell? Holy crap!

Wait, come back. Come Back. Let me see in there.

This is Comedy Central. I can see Cartman. I can see Kenny. Oh, he just got killed.

Jeff:
You've been married a long time.

Walter:
Yeah

Jeff:
Ups and downs in any marriage.

Walter:
Yeah

Jeff:
Ever been to marriage counseling?

Walter:
Yes.

Jeff:
What did that do for you?

Walter:
Look at me. I'm happy!

Jeff:
Come on. What were the results of the counseling?

Walter:
At the end of it all, there were two folks who thought I was an ass. And I'm paying both of them.

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