Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #3

Jeff:
But you are happy to be here?

Walter:
Oh sure. Better than last week.

Jeff:
Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida. You didn't like that?

Walter:
No.

Jeff:
Why not?

Walter:
Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me. I swear, it's like one giant nursing home.

Jeff:
Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape those "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

Walter:
That's during Spring Break. The rest of the time it's "Girls Gone Saggy". Then it's "Girls Gone Senile". And then it's just "Girls Gone".

Jeff:
You didn't like the weather either.

Walter:
Oh my God.Even in the middle of winter, it's humid as hell and hot as hell. We got there, I took a shower on Monday. Friday, still not dry. I swear, I grew moss on my ass.

Jeff:
You said the weather changes too quickly.

Walter:
I know it changes fast everywhere, but in Florida, it's ridiculous.

Jeff:
What are you talking about?

Walter:
I was standing on the beach. In the sunshine, having a little iced tea. I looked over and go, "Ooh, look, a little cloud." About three minutes later... "Holy crap!" The locals are hanging on to the palm trees. "We love it here!" You dumbasses! I say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out!

Jeff:
Alright, so you want someplace a little cooler.

Remember, we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Walter:
Yeah, in February! It was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill. I'd get on stage every night and say, "You people are idiots". "Did you know the borders are open?" "Pack up your Suburban and get the hell out!"

And another thing. Green Bay Packers stadium, what's it called?

Jeff:
Lambeau Field.

Walter:
Lambeau Field. No roof. Hello! How many football season weekends have good weather in Green Bay? That would be... none. Note to self: build a fricking roof. We have the technology. Yeah, you talk to the locals

in Green Bay, what do they say? "We love it here." "We're a hardy people." A bunch of frozen dumbasses,is what you are.

Jeff:
Walter, you don't like humidity, you don't like the extreme cold. You want someplace warmer and drier. Well in August, we were in Phoenix.

Walter:
August in Phoenix, Arizona. Your agent is a moron. It was 112 for three days in a row. What do all the locals say? "But it's a dry heat." Screw you. A bonfire's a dry heat. You don't see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you? "Your ass is on fire." "It's a dry heat!" "I was in Florida, I gotta burn off the fricking moss!"

Jeff:
Did you enjoy New York City?

Walter:
Oh, I love New York City. It was great. Do shows in Manhattan, about midnight get back to the hotel. At 1 a.m., I'd lay my head on the pillow, and listen to the sounds of the city. Oh my God.

Jeff:
The city that never sleeps.

Walter:
Well, it needs a fricking nap.

Jeff:
You've eliminated every corner of the country. What about where we live? People love the weather in Southern California.

Walter:
At least with Florida and hurricanes, you get a little notice. You turn on the news: "You have three days to get the hell out!"

Jeff:
So?

Walter:
In L.A., we've got earthquakes. We don't know jack. One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet and all of a sudden... There's crap flying around the house.

"We love it here!" You're a dumbass, too. Remember that last big earthquake?

Jeff:
Sure.

Walter:
Bad timing on that earthquake.

Jeff:
How's that?

Walter:
Not two seconds before it hit, I told my grandson to pull my finger. He pulled it, I farted and half the neighborhood fell down. That kid hasn't come near me since. The other day I cracked my knuckles and he dove under the couch.

Jeff:
What was that?

Walter:
We're in D.C. That was a veto.

Jeff:
Walter, I'm listening to you and I get the feeling were traveling too much.

Walter:
Oh, you think?

Jeff:
Why don't you like getting on airplanes?

Walter:
I'm your carry on, for God's sakes. I go in the x- ray machine. I gonna have cancer tonight!

Jeff:
Tell them what happened at Chicago's O'Hare.

Walter:
We're going through the airport. I come out the other side of the x- ray and hear the guy say to Jeff: "Sir! I've got to look inside your suitcase." I'm lying there thinking, "Aw crap, here we go." Jeff's standing there, the guy opens the case, I pop up and go: "Hey! Shut the damn door!" Scared the crap out of the guy. Then

I thought about it a second and said: "I do not want to go to Los Angeles."

Jeff:
And what happened?

Walter:
We were detained. Them bastards have no sense of humor.

Jeff:
They have to be tight on security these days.

Walter:
I know. The terrorist threats and all that crap.

There's one group of folks I don't understand at all.

Damn suicide bombers. Good God, what the hell is this? Well, way to go, habib. Bet you can't fricking do it again. Dumbass.

Jeff:
Walter, those guys believe that if they martyd themselves there will be 72 virgins waiting for them in Paradise.

Walter:
Well, April Fool, dumbass! If there are virgins waiting for you, it'll be 72 guys just like you! "Oh no, this is not what Osama said it would be". 72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what they're doing? He had a longer fuse. I wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while.

Jeff:
What joke?

Walter:
What the... "Did you see Jamil's face?" "It's gone now, but did you see his face?" 72 virgins. Sounds like a punishment to me. I gotta teach 72 women how to have sex? Oh my God! I hope there's no Viagra in heaven.

Jeff:
Why?

Walter:
Impotence is God's way of helping a man like me to 'just say no'. If I take Viagra, it's just to help

me keep from rolling out of bed. Did you get that one?

Jeff:
She got it!

Walter:
It's a kickstand joke.

Jeff:
Will you stop?

Walter:
What're you shaking your head at? You got a good love life?

Jeff:
Sure.

Walter:
Good sex life?

Jeff:
Yeah

Walter:
With your wife?

Jeff:
Yes.

Walter:
Good for her, too?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Walter:
How do you know?

Jeff:
What?

Walter:
How do you know? We're waiting!

Jeff:
Well, sometimes she calls me... "The Hurricane".

Walter:
The what?

Jeff:
"The Hurricane".

Walter:
Yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. You know, maybe she should call you "FEMA".

Jeff:
Now what does that mean?

Walter:
Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

Jeff:
You should know. How long have you been married?

Walter:
47 years.

Jeff:
That's amazing.

Walter:
I know it. That old b*tch will never die. How long you been married?

Jeff:
17 years.

Walter:
That's pretty good. How do you do it?

Jeff:
I learned a long time ago that every couple argues.

I learned that when we're in the middle of a big argument, I just think of something completely different.

That takes my mind off it, and I don't stay angry as long.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote