Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #4

Walter:
So you think of something completely different? Like what?

Jeff:
Oh I don't know. Like if you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Walter:
Choke a Smurf?

Jeff:
Right.

Walter:
Is that what they're calling it now? What the hell happened to the chicken?

Jeff:
Let me get back to marriage. You've been married a long time. Do you still really love your wife?

Walter:
Of course I love her.

Jeff:
Told her lately that you love her?

Walter:
Nah.

Jeff:
Why not?

Walter:
She knows it.

Jeff:
How does she know it?

Walter:
I smile a lot.

Jeff:
Have you ever cheated on her?

Walter:
No! Dammit.

Jeff:
Marriage is supposed to be forever.

Walter:
And this one's taking too damn long.

Jeff:
Marriage is an institution.

Walter:
So is Alcatraz.

Jeff:
You can't compare marriage to prison.

Walter:
I guess you're right. The warden doesn't max out your credit cards. The other day she got me some of that spray on hair crap in a can.

Jeff:
Did you use it?

Walter:
Yeah. On your Chihuahua. Turned it into a Shi-Tzu.

Jeff:
Your birthday wasn't too long ago. Did your wife get you anything?

Walter:
She got me a book on reincarnation.

Jeff:
Do you believe in reincarnation?

Walter:
Hell, I don't know.

Jeff:
Who would you come back as?

Walter:
I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.

Jeff:
You pick on her all the time.

Walter Yeah, I know. Maybe one day, I'll be reincarnated

and come back as a sensitive guy. Driving a blue fricking Prius. That is the saddest little vehicle.

Jeff:
It's a great car!

You ever heard it when you're driving by? It goes, "Iiiiiii'm gay." "Iiiiiii'm gay." When it idles it goes "homohomohomohomo..." Is that a new watch?

Jeff:
No, I've had it a long time.

Walter:
A long time ago you had a rubber, plastic ugly funny name thing.

Jeff:
That was years ago when I was in college. They were popular and might be coming back. It's called a Swatch.

Walter:
What in the hell is a Swatch?

Jeff:
A company in Switzerland invented

that watch, so they called it Swatch.

Walter:
Good thing they weren't in Croatia. "What time is it?", "I don't know, let me look at my Crotch." "Sorry I'm late, but my Crotch is a little slow." It's like the Timex, it takes a...

Jeff:
Walter! And that's Walter, there we go! Thank you.

As we all know, there's a big mess in the Middle East right now. When it comes to the terrorists,most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs.

I was thinking, how would it be to sit and talk to one of those guys? We have that opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome, Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.

Good evening, Achmed.

Achmed:
Good evening. Infidel.

Jeff:
So you're a terrorist.

Achmed:
Yes. I am a terrorist.

Jeff:
What kind of terrorist?

Achmed:
A terrifying... terrorist.

Achmed:
Are you scared?

Jeff:
Not really. No.

Achmed:
And now?

Jeff:
Not really. No.

Achmed:
How about now?

Jeff:
No.

Achmed:
Goddammit. I mean... uh... I mean, Allah dammit. Silence! I keel you.

Jeff:
So, Achmed.

Achmed:
No, no. Is Achmed.

Jeff:
That's what I said.

Achmed:
No, you said Achmed. Is Achmed. Silence!

I keel you.

Jeff:
How do you spell it?

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
How do you spell your name?

Achmed:
Oh let's see. A... C... Phlegm. Silence! I keel you.

Jeff:
As a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty.

Achmed:
Yes. I am a suicide bomber.

Jeff:
So, you're finished.

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
You've done your job.

Achmed:
No, I haven't.

Jeff:
But you're dead.

Achmed:
No, I'm not. I feel fine.

Jeff:
But you're all bone.

Achmed:
It's a flesh wound. Silence! I keel you. What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a b*tch. What the hell?

What are you doing? Stop it! What are you trying to...

Stop touching me! I keel you!

Jeff:
We'll fix this.

Achmed:
What are you doing? Holy crap! I'm in the air, wait wait. Something is backwards. Holy crap.

I need some ligaments.

Jeff:
Just sit still.

Achmed:
Okay. I will not move my ass.

Walter:
You idiot, you don't have an ass!

Achmed:
Is that Walter?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Achmed:
He scares the crap out of me. Please, do not put me back in the same suitcase.

Jeff:
Why?

Achmed:
He has gas! Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart.

Walter:
Ah, ha ha ha ha.

Achmed:
It's not funny. He will kill us.

Jeff:
Listen, I have something to tell you.

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
You really are dead.

Achmed:
Are you sure?

Jeff:
Yes

Achmed:
I just got my flu shot.

Jeff:
You really are dead.

Achmed:
Wait, if I'm dead... That means I get my 72 virgins. Are you my virgins? I hope not.

Jeff:
Why?

Achmed:
There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there. If this is Paradise, I've been screwed!

Jeff:
Did they say it would be only female virgins?

Achmed:
Holy crap! Wait! I can have Clay Aiken. I told a joke.

Jeff:
Achmed, where did you come from?

Achmed:
Your fricking suitcase. I told another one.

Jeff:
If you've been in my suitcase, how have we been getting through airport security?

Achmed:
That's easy. They open the case and I go, "Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" I told another joke!

I can do this crap too. Here's another one. Two Jews walk in a bar...

Jeff:
No. No.

Achmed:
What? You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.

Jeff:
What I mean is, I don't want racist jokes in my act.

Achmed:
Oh. Okay. How about if I kill the Jews? I'm kidding. I would not kill the Jews. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. Yes, yes. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests and a small boy. Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!

Jeff:
Achmed, stop doing this! You can't tell jokes like that.

Achmed:
Why not? I'm killing, so to speak.

Jeff:
You can't tell jokes like that. It offends people.

Achmed:
I'm dead, what do I care? What do you want me to do, knock- knock jokes?

Jeff:
It would be better.

Achmed:
Okay, knock- knock.

Jeff:
Who's there?

Achmed:
Me, I kill you.

Jeff:
As a suicide bomber, did you have training?

Achmed:
Of course. We had the suicide bomber training camp.

Jeff:
Is that a nice facility?

Achmed:
It used to be.

Jeff:
What happened?

Achmed:
New guy! The idiot tried to practice.

Jeff:
What did you guys learn from that?

Achmed:
Location, location, location.

Jeff:
Do you have a motto, like... "We're looking for a few good men".

Achmed:
"We're looking for some idiots with no future."

Jeff:
Where do you get your recruits?

Achmed:
The suicide hotline. That was dark, was it not?

Jeff:
What exactly happened to you?

Achmed:
If you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber.

Jeff:
What happened?

Achmed:
I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. You know what that's like, right? "Mr. Hurricane."

Walter:
Ha ha ha ha ha.

Jeff:
Achmed, what exactly happened to you?

Achmed:
I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone. "Can you hear me n...?" At first, I thought it was because I went over my minutes.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote