Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #5

Jeff:
That's too bad.

Achmed:
It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.

Jeff:
What's it like to die? Do you see a white light?

Achmed:
If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.

Jeff:
Some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see?

Achmed:
I saw flying car parts...

Jeff:
What was the last thing through your mind?

Achmed:
My ass. Walter told me to tell that joke.

Jeff:
You never saw a white light?

Achmed:
No, but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles? That is not a car. That's a lunchbox. Did you know, when you're going down the highway in a Prius, if you put your hand out the window,

the vehicle will turn?

Jeff:
You did this for a bunch of virgins?

Achmed:
Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar.

Jeff:
So, I guess you are Muslim?

Achmed:
I don't think so.

Jeff No.

Achmed:
Look at my ass. It says "Made in China". Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration.

Jeff:
Do you like being in D.C.?

Achmed:
I think some idiots must live here.

Jeff:
Why?

Achmed:
The Washington Monument.

Jeff:
Yes?

Achmed:
It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like

a tribute to Bill Clinton.

Jeff:
What do you think of Bush?

Achmed:
Oh, I love bu- Oh, you mean the President. I'm sorry!

Jeff:
That's Achmed, the Dead Terrorist! There we go.

Thank you. There's never been a better time than right now to introduce a brand new superhero. We have that very thing this evening.

He's big. He's powerful. Please help me welcome the superhero... Melvin.

Melvin:
H... h... Hi!

Jeff:
Good to see you, Melvin.

Melvin:
Thank you. It's nice being here in our nation's capital.

Jeff:
So, you're a superhero. What is your most outstanding feature?

Melvin:
My costume.

Jeff:
It's a very nice costume.

Melvin:
Thank you.

Jeff:
What does the 'D' stand for?

Melvin:
Oh, that's my theme song.

Jeff:
What's your theme song?

Melvin:
Da da- da daa!

Jeff:
Where did you get the costume?

Melvin:
That is a superhero secret!

Jeff:
EBay?

Melvin:
Dammit! How did you deduce that?

Jeff:
A tag on the back says EBay. It's as plain as the nose... Oops, sorry. Okay, so you're a superhero. Do you fight crime?

Melvin:
Yes, of course!

Jeff:
What kind of crime?

Melvin:
Bad kind.

Jeff:
So what have you done lately?

Melvin:
Today, I was battling a terrorist.

Jeff:
Achmed?

Melvin:
Yes.

Jeff:
And what kind of battle?

Melvin:
Checkers. Every time I'd get a king, he'd blow it up.

Jeff:
So what did you do?

Melvin:
I issued a verbal threat. And then Walter gassed him.

Jeff:
Melvin, do you have any powers?

Melvin:
Yes!

Jeff:
Like what?

Melvin:
I can fly.

Jeff:
Really? How far?

Melvin:
How far can you throw me?

Jeff:
Do you have other powers?

Melvin:
X- ray vision!

Jeff:
Can you see through something practical, like clothes?

Melvin:
Oh, you're sick. Yes. I love looking at boobies.

That's a beautiful pair, isn't it? I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts. Oh, I forgot. I can't see through silicone. What? They're good. Those are super- hooters. If she had a theme song, it would be Ta ta-ta taa! If she had a costume, she'd have two Ds on her chest. I can look but I can't touch.

Jeff:
Why?

Melvin:
I'm lactose intolerant.

Jeff:
You can fly and have x- ray vision. Those are the same as Superman! Can you stop a speeding bullet?

Melvin:
Once. Shut up! It hurts like hell.

Jeff:
Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?

Melvin:
Why the hell would I do that? There's not a lot of call for that.

Jeff:
Superman does that.

Melvin:
Show- off. He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing. I can't curse. I think the President should.

Jeff:
The President?

Melvin:
Yeah. Think about it. We had the A-bomb, the H-bomb.

It's time for him to drop the F-bomb. He could go, "Hey, terrorists! F you!"

Jeff:
So, like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth?

Melvin:
What?

Jeff:
Superman does that too.

Melvin:
He's got issues, doesn't he? My wife met Lois Lane once. She said she acted like an H- O- R- E.

Jeff:
You mean a W- H- O- R- E.

Melvin:
What's a 'w-hore'? Is that like a Klingon?

Jeff:
So you're married. Does your wife have any powers?

Melvin:
Yes.

Jeff:
Like what?

Melvin:
Once a month... She becomes evil. And I cannot defeat her. Our children run in terror. Our big dog cowers under the couch.

Jeff:
You have a big dog?

Melvin:
Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua.

Jeff:
Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has all the same powers as Superman.

Melvin:
That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass. If he humps your leg,

you'll be in traction for a year.

Jeff:
Do you have an arch enemy?

Melvin:
Pinocchio.

Jeff:
Do you have a weakness?

Melvin:
Cupcakes. And porn. Well not at the same time.

I need a free hand.

Jeff:
So, when there's a problem, how are you summoned?

Melvin:
I'm making a deal with the Commissioner to light up the sky with a spotlight of my symbol.

Jeff:
What's your symbol?

Melvin:
A big nose in the sky. Trouble is, sometimes it

doesn't exactly look like a nose. It's not a cupcake, either.

Da da- da daa!

Jeff:
Are you friends with other superheroes?

Melvin:
Some of them.

Jeff:
How about Aquaman? I like Aquaman, he can breathe underwater and talk to fish.

Melvin:
Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as SpongeBob.

Jeff:
How about the Hulk?

Melvin:
Why do you like the Hulk?

Jeff:
The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.

Melvin:
Yeah, like every white trash guy on Cops.

Jeff:
I like the Flash.

Melvin:
He has no powers! He's on meth.

Jeff:
Catwoman?

Melvin:
I used to date Catwoman. She gave me something i had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy, does it itch. And now it burns when I fly. Da da- da daa...

Son of a b*tch! It's the terrorists, I tell you. I look like Lex Luthor. Can you put it back?

Jeff:
Sure. Here we go. How's that?

Melvin:
Da da- da daa. That kinda sucked.

Jeff:
Do superheroes date each other?

Melvin:
We date mortals sometimes, too. Did you know that Superman was dating Rosie O'Donnell?

Jeff:
I did not know that.

Melvin:
He had to quit. Because she got too big. He took her on one flight and threw out his back. Embarrassing when you're flying a girl around Metropolis and your feet

are still dragging the sidewalk. Da da- da daa. This looks like a job for Slim Fast!

Jeff:
One last guy, how about Batman?

Melvin:
Oh. A grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy? I don't have to have x- ray vision to see what the hell's going on there.

Jeff:
I wondered about these superheroes and their young men sidekicks.

Melvin:
You have five men in a suitcase. And one of them's on a stick. Who is sliding down the proverbial Batpole now? If you had a theme song, it would be La la-la laa.

Jeff:
You know, I have a wife and kids.

Melvin:
So does Tom Cruise!

Jeff:
And that's Melvin the Superhero. There we go. Thank you. Thank you so much. If you've seen my show before, you'll recognize this next guy. Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut.

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