Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity Page #6

How you doing, Peanut?

Peanut:
Pretty good, how are you?

Jeff:
I'm fine.

Peanut:
That's good, that's gooooooood.

Jeff:
So, you like it here?

Peanut:
Oh, I love being in D.C. D.C! It's great. And I love this theater.

Jeff:
The Warner Theater.

Peanut:
It's fantastic. And they've got a cool website. And a link to our website which is jeffdunham.com.

Jeff:
Peanut, stop...

Peanut:
What? The hell is wrong with you? We cannot talk at the same time! I talk, you talk. I talk, you talk, that's it!

Focus. I am so sick of this crap. I have tried going solo.

Jeff:
What happened?

Peanut:
I kept falling off this fricking thing. Why did you interrupt me?

Jeff:
You mispronounced my last name.

Peanut:
I know.

Jeff:
It's Dunham.

Peanut:
Not when you look at it. Dun- Ham. Haaaaaam.

You're the other white meat.

Jeff:
Don't confuse everyone. It's Dunham.

Peanut:
It says Dun-ham ham ham ham. Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com. And when you think about it for 30 seconds, it's Jefa Fa Dun Ham. Dot Com.

Jefa Fa. You're using an unneeded 'F'. Jefa Fa. Dun Ham.

Dot Com. Am I pissing you ofa fa? Jefa Fa? Dun Ham. Dot Com. The weird part is, I am actually pissing him off. And he would like to kill me. But he will not because that would be a form of suicide. You want to kill me.

Jeff:
No, I don't.

Peanut:
Yes, yes, yes. Search your feelings, Jefa Fa. Dun Ham. Dot Com.

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
Dude, you need a Tic- Tac. You know what your breath smells like? Done ham. Dot Com. What the hell was that?

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
What did you just do?

Jeff:
I didn't do anything.

Peanut:
You picked your nose. Did you see that? Oh my God. You fricking picked... your nose!

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
You didn't do a very good job! There's still something there.

Jeff:
Cut it out!

Peanut:
You gotta get it. It's wiggling.

Jeff:
Stop it!

Peanut:
Oh wait! You're a ventriloquist. Make it talk. That'd be funny as hell! Oh and give it a French accent.

"Bonjour! I would like to come out of your nose!"

Jeff:
Stop it.

Peanut:
Holy crap, you're quick. It's like you know. You do that now, you just go...

Jeff:
That's always been your thing.

Peanut:
You do it. Short one, long one. Do it! Do it. What the hell was that? You sound like some anemic French guy. German: jawohl! Chinese: Gay guy: Oh, oh! Wait, wait. A guy driving a blue Prius: You know what would be funny as hell? When this gets on Comedy Central, if the show is sponsored by Toyota. And they have no idea.

One night they're watching this like, "Hey!" "He making fun of our car!" "He say our car is gay." "It not gay, he gay." "Let's get Godzilla to kill him." It's a tiny little car, isn't it?

Jeff:
It's small.

Peanut:
I bet to get in and out, you gotta use a lot of lotion.

Jeff:
That's not funny.

Peanut:
They are laughing like hell. Does your wife drive that car?

Jeff:
The Prius? Oh, sure.

Peanut:
Good. How's she doing?

Jeff:
My wife? She's fine.

Peanut:
Oh, good. How's the family?

Jeff:
They're fine.

Peanut:
Oh, good! I was just wondering.

Jeff:
Thanks a lot.

Peanut:
Everything's fine?

Jeff:
Everything's fine.

Peanut:
I just want to make sure. Because I'm your pal.

Jeff:
Thank you.

Peanut:
So I'm concerned.

Jeff:
About what?

Peanut:
I was just thinking the other day. We're on the road a lot. You're away from home a lot. And your wife's at home alone. A lot.

Jeff:
Okay?

Peanut:
She's not exactly bad- looking.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
She's hot. And her prime is now. Yours was 20 years ago. And she's home. Alone. Are you sure?

Jeff:
Yeah.

Peanut:
How do you know?

Jeff:
I trust her.

Peanut:
What if she's been with someone else? Like... me! Oh, come on. You go purple, you never go back!

Jeff:
I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut.

Peanut:
Well, think about this for a second. In a twisted kind of way, all five of us on stage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's me! When you're pissed off, lying there thinking "why did I marry this broad?", that's Walter. When you're so angry

you want to kill her, that's Achmed.

Jeff:
So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick?

Peanut:
You're a sick man!

Jeff:
And here he is, Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!

Good evening, Jose.

Jose:
Hola, Senor Heff.

Jeff:
It's good to see you.

Jose:
Gracias, Senor Heff.

Peanut:
Excuse me! Who the hell is 'Heff'?

Jeff:
That's Jeff.

Peanut:
No, he said 'Heff'.

Jeff:
It's the same thing.

Peanut:
No, it's not. Jose, what did you say?

Jose:
I say Senor Heff.

Peanut:
What the f... Now he said 'Cheff'.

Jeff:
It's all the same.

Peanut:
Didn't you watch Sesame Street? Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff and Cheff is Cheff. One of these things just doesnt belong here! Tonight's show is sponsored by the sound chhhhhh.

Jeff:
I'm sorry, Jose.

Jose:
Is okay. He's an idiot.

Peanut:
You're on a stick. Stica ka. Jefa fa. I have a question for Josie.

Jose:
My name is Jose.

Peanut:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were in

America, speaking fricking English. But I didn't see

the little... over the 'e'. Which magically changes Josie into fricking Jose. And I didn't see the... over the 'n'-

which changes jalapeno into jalapeno. So a... over the 'n'

and a... over the 'e'. Two keys I can never fricking find on a fricking keyboard. Apparently it's a secret known only to the Mexicans. So, Jose, when you're typing... Oh! I'm sorry. Talk about 'hunt and peck'.

Jeff:
I'm sorry, Jose.

Jose:
Is OK. I'll hire Achmed to kill him.

Jeff:
So, what's your question? And be nice.

Peanut:
You're a jalapeno.

Jose:
Si, senor. On a stick.

Peanut:
You're a Mexican jalapeno.

Jose:
On a stick.

Peanut:
Are you a legal Mexican jalapeno? What? What did I say?

Jeff:
This is not the appropriate time.

Peanut:
Too late! So, Jose, are you legal? Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...? What?

Jeff:
I know the answer to the question. Jose? Are you legal to be in this country?

Jose:
Si, senor. I have my green card.

Peanut:
Where is your green card?

Jose:
It's in my other stick.

Peanut:
Did you know he had another stick?

Jeff:
I had no idea.

Peanut:
You know what that means? That means that one comes out! Oh my God! I thought it was just stuck up his ass.

Jeff:
What's wrong?

Peanut:
He doesn't have an ass. It's just a jalapeno.

Jose:
On a stick.

Peanut:
I know! How did he get on the stick?

Jeff:
I don't know.

Peanut:
Probably a horrible pogo accident. You know... doink doink.

Jose:
Ole!

Jeff:
Jose, immigration is a big topic in the country right now. Would you mind if I ask a few questions? There are more National Guard on the border between USA and Mexico. Does this concern you?

Jose:
No, senor.

Jeff:
Why not?

Peanut:
He's already here! You really are an idiot!

Jeff:
Jose, are you here on a temporary visa, or on a work visa?

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