Jeff Ross Roasts the Border: Live from Brownsville, Texas Page #4

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I'm sorry.

Why did you go to the United

States the first time?

[ Mucio interpreting

in Spanish ]

How long were you there?

B*tch! [Bleep]ing b*tch!

Thank you very much.

He says, "God bless all of you,

and I'm going to say hello to

the president

of the United States.

Yeah. Man. I did

my research on this.

If we let all the undocumented

people just stay,

it would help our economy

over 10 years

by over a trillion dollars.

160,000 new jobs every year.

If only we had a businessman

who became president

that could help us

figure that out.

[ Cheering and applause ]

Yeah. I've roasted

Donald Trump twice.

I've known him for 15 years.

I feel like any second,

he's going to call me up

and offer me a Cabinet position.

"Jeff, I need three insults

about North Korea

by noon tomorrow.

You're my new Secretary

of Offense."

I'm helping Donald Trump

with his new book.

It's called, "Mein Kampf

is Bigger Than Your Kampf."

Donald Trump always looks

like he's trying to figure out

who farted.

Yeah. I've roasted Donald Trump

and he became President.

I roasted Justin Bieber,

and he had the number

one album in the world.

I roasted Charlie

Sheen, and he got AIDS.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, I'm doing my part, America.

What the [Bleep] are you

doing with your life?

You're a Trump supporter.

You've got your hat on.

Absolutely. That's right.

"Make America Great

Again." You got it.

I've known him a long

time, and at times,

he can be the most charming

guy in the world.

But with certain

subjects, he can

be kind of downright mean.

What would you say

to Mexican-Americans

who have been trashed

by Trump supporters?

You know, that could hurt.

He's talking about criminals.

Right.

Illegal criminals, not

Mexicans, not Latinos.

And, you know, there's a right

way to get into America.

Yeah. You file your paperwork.

You get in line

like everybody else,

and get, you know, get

your citizenship.

You don't know

who's coming across.

That's why we need a wall.

I mean, we have one here.

It's obviously not

doing its job.

So another one would be just

double not doing its job, right?

What's the price of security?

Well, there's also a respect

for humanity

and that kind of thing.

The way he talks about it...

We're not... He's talking

about criminals.

Patrick, what's this...

Does this stir up any thoughts

in your head?

You fought for this country.

I mean...

There is a right

way to do things.

There's a lot of people

that are just trying to make it.

You already have tunnel

systems that's used

by coyotes to get

people through,

and that's used

to get drugs through.

So there are bigger issues

than building a wall.

What was that?

That's Border Patrol

on the water.

Instead of building a wall

to keep people out,

if the government fined

or arrested people

who hire illegals,

illegals would eventually run

out of work and self-deport.

Wouldn't that work?

But that's actually

on the books right now

in our laws of the government.

I don't remember ever seeing

one of them get

fined for anything.

What do you think we should do?

Build Border Patrol academies.

Academies? Academies.

Train the officers right

here on the river.

If you've got eyes

on the ground,

boots on the ground, you

don't need that wall.

If I was in charge,

I would mix Homeland Security

with Social Security.

Yeah.

When people retire, you

give them a lounge chair

and some binoculars and you

put them on the border.

Young man, get off my fence!

Who else is here, I wonder.

Where my coyotes at?

[ Cheers, whistling ]

I kept hearing

about these coyotes,

who traffic desperate

humans across the border.

What sort of person earns

their living that way?

So in the four years

you've been a coyote,

how many people do you think

you've brought over to America?

Man, thousands of people.

Thousands? Yeah.

Lots. Yeah. Thousands?

You ever stay in touch

with the people?

Do you know if they made it?

Do you know if they lived?

Do you know if they...

No, not really, no.

Not at all. No, just

pick up, drop off.

Never see me again.

You carry a gun

when you do this?

Like, who protects

you from them?

Nobody. What

if they turn on you?

They won't. They're more

scared than doing that

because when you

go to the people

to get transported

and stuff like that, you have

to go through a process.

They need pictures.

They need addresses.

They need phone numbers.

They need everything.

If even you have kids, they need

pictures of your kids, family,

mom, dad, everything.

So if you decided you

want to run and not pay,

they've got your family

right there.

Wow. You're in dangerous

work, dude.

Yeah. It's pretty dangerous

and sometimes, like,

when people don't

pay and stuff, too,

you have to hold them

for a little bit.

Sometimes they don't come

up with the money completely

and that's another thing

we got to be doing, too,

taking care of them

for a couple days

until they come

up with the rest of the money.

And if they don't pay,

and the family doesn't have it,

what do you do?

Now you own them.

Yeah. Pretty much.

What do you do with them?

Put them to work.

Put them to work?

Like, kids and stuff?

Yeah. Anything.

That's crazy. Yeah. Sure is.

So, in a way, you're

kidnapping, too.

Pretty much.

How do you feel about that?

It's not good but it's money

in the pocket.

Do you sleep okay?

Yeah. Sure do.

Do you think this wall is going

to mess up your living?

Psht, it ain't going

to stop nothing.

You're exactly the reason

Trump wants to build a wall.

It ain't going to stop nobody.

It's just another wall.

That's it.

You going to go

under it, around it?

Under, around it, through it,

there's always a way.

Always a way.

If the president

was watching you right now,

what would you tell him?

Kiss my ass. [ Laughs ]

Yeah, I don't

like the president too much,

but, you know what,

better him than Hillary,

I'll tell you that much.

Why is that?

I don't know. I just,

I don't know about

a woman being, well, her

being the President.

I don't think so.

Her, or any woman?

Naw, just her. Just her.

She was too... shiesty.

"Shiesty." As if you're

not shiesty.

Yeah.

You're the shiestiest guy

I've ever met. Probably.

When you buy a car, is the first

thing you check the trunk space?

[ Laughing ] No.

Yeah, man. These coyotes,

I've been doing my research.

What a crazy thing that is, man.

That's a rough trip

over the border

with these coyotes, man.

People in America, the rest

of America have no idea, man.

They think United Airlines

treatstheirpassengers bad.

[ Laughter ]

United might drag

you off the plane,

but they're never going

to shove coke up your ass

and stuff you into the overhead

compartment for a couple weeks.

Where my, uh... Let's see...

You know, where my Muslims at?

[ Sparse cheering ]

For real? Man:
Yeah!

What's up, dude?

I'm not into banning people.

I think that's wrong.

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