Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #4

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as a present for my apartment.

I could have used a couch.

Oh, shower radio, that's a nice gift.

No better place to dance than naked

on a slick surface next to a glass door.

[laughter]

But I still feel that comedy culture,

I'll call it, of New York City.

I feel that it's still here.

So, I'm at a light, and there's a guy

crossing in front of my car,

and then the light changed.

It was actually my turn to go.

They were in front of the car.

The New Yorkers, you know how they just

raise their elbows up to pretend?

[laughter]

Here's an impression of someone hurrying,

but they don't go any faster.

Same exact speed.

This is what it would look like

if I was hurrying, but I'm not.

I'm just going to raise my elbows...

and do the faux-courtesy jog.

[laughter]

Somebody gave me the finger...

on my way, which I don't care about.

I don't understand

even why the finger is the finger.

Someone picks one of their fingers,

they show it to me,

I'm supposed to feel bad.

[laughter]

Bad finger. This is a good finger, right?

[laughter]

I always try and remember,

if I get this finger,

I'm one finger away

from a compliment, so...

[laughter and applause]

it's not that bad.

These street-cleaning trucks

in New York, as a point of...

What kind of street-theater

absurdity is this?

Does anybody think

these trucks are cleaning...

[laughter]

the street?!

Do they think they're cleaning the street?

Are they just laughing

their asses off in front of...

"Hey, get all the parked cars

out of the way, everybody!"

[laughter]

"We've got to make a huge, loud,

annoying hissing sound,

then leave a little piss-trail

of water out the back...

to complete

our doing-absolutely-nothing process."

[laughter]

"Wait until you see Ninth Avenue

after we're done.

You're going to think

you're in an architect's rendering...

strolling through

a modern wonderland of the future."

If you're walking down the street

in New York and you step in gum,

and that gum stays on your shoe

for a couple of blocks,

whatever that gum picks up,

that's the only cleaning of anything

going on in New York City.

We're living in filth!

[laughter]

We don't even care, anyway!

A sentence never heard

in the history of New York City:

"Hey, why don't we get a new awning?"

[laughter]

[applause]

"We've got six pounds

of bird crap on this one,

12 rips, 11 places

where the metal frame is showing through."

"It would cost us 200 bucks.

It's only the entire appearance

of our whole business."

"I don't think it's a good idea.

I think it's better

as a way for us to silently express

how much we hate ourselves

and the stupidity of people

that even come in here."

"Yeah, you're right. Let's leave it."

[laughter]

Just landed at LaGuardia last week.

Always uh... It's nice there.

I like uh... I like the ceiling height.

It's a very nice uh...

[laughter]

It could be lower,

but I think it's good. It's good.

Named after the ex-mayor of New York,

of course, Fiorello H. La Guardia.

And I imagine it was quite an exciting day

in his life when he got that news,

when they came into his office and said,

"Mayor, we've decided we're going

to name the new airport after you."

He went, "Really? Which one?"

They went, "LaGuardia, on Grand Central."

"Oh, right, right.

Yeah, I've been there a million times."

[laughter]

I go through customs. The guy asks me,

"I've got to go through the bags.

Do you have any alcohol, any plants?"

He actually says, "Any drugs?"

Is this an effective interrogation?

Is anybody going, "Bingo! You got me.

Oh, my God.

I didn't see that question coming."

[laughter]

"Twenty kilos right there.

You literally

just completely caught me off guard."

New York in the '70s

was a crime city, it was a cop city,

it was a newspaper city.

I always liked

that whatever goes on in the world,

it somehow exactly fits

the number of pages

that they're using in the paper that day.

They never run out of room.

They never have big blank spots

where nothing happened.

They must be, at the end, "Get that paper

out before something happens.

That was another perfect fit today.

That was fantastic."

[laughter]

I like it when the cops catch somebody

and they hit them with the nightstick,

and they get them in the handcuffs,

and they use the chokehold on them.

But when they put them

in the back seat of the police car,

they always put their hand on his head.

"You don't want to hit your head

on that edge of the door."

"That really stings. It smarts, you know?

Be careful."

[laughter]

Why are these crooks and mass-murderer,

hijacker, psychopath people

covering their faces

when they're being hauled in?

What is this man's reputation that he's

got to worry about someone seeing him?

Is he speed dating?

Is he up for some corner-office promotion?

"Oh, if the people

on my sales team saw me...

[laughter]

hijacking Egypt Air 747

and throwing bodies out

onto the tarmac one by one,

I'll never hear the end of that,

I'm telling you."

"They will needle me in that break room.

You have no idea."

When they invented the stun gun,

I wasn't quite sure what that was.

It seemed like a gun

that they zap you with it,

and you just go, "Oh, my God. I..."

[laughter]

"Are you OK?"

"No, I'm fine.

Actually, I'm just stunned

that you would even use that on me."

[laughter]

I wonder if you can adjust it

to just "taken aback"?

If you could turn it down

and just zap somebody, and they go...

"Wow."

[laughter]

"You all right?"

"No, I'm fine. Just..."

[laughter]

[applause]

"I'm a little taken aback."

When I was 21 years old, the idea of

becoming a comedian seemed impossible.

I was living at home.

I had a job a couple of blocks that way.

I was sledgehammering walls down

for $25 a day,

and I would sit here

and have my lunch every day.

And I remember thinking,

"Even if I'm not any good at it,

if I could just make enough for a loaf

of bread a week, I could survive,

and that would be

the greatest life I could have."

Did you ever notice there's an insult

on every roll of toilet paper?

Down at the bottom: "facial quality."

[audience laugh]

I don't like the insinuation.

What has my face got to do with this?

And, yes, there was heckling and bombing,

and someone once threw a glass at me

that shattered on stage.

I remember a couple of people

who were interested in a physical fight.

None of it bothered me.

I was in comedy,

and it just felt like heaven.

You know,

one of the big nights that I had here

was my parents

coming to see me do my show,

because I had never...

For whatever reason,

I was very embarrassed around my parents

to show them this part of my personality.

So when I started doing this, it was,

you know, a little strange to them,

you know, when I told them, "I think

I want to be a comedian," and they went...

"OK."

"You know,

you've never done anything funny."

[laughter]

And so, eventually, I brought them here,

and they sat right there.

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