Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #5

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And I was so nervous that night,

because I was showing them

this whole side of myself.

It was like my little gay-closet moment,

you know, where I had to say,

"Mom, Dad, I'm...

I don't know how to tell you this,

but I'm a funny person."

"And I...

I don't want to be ashamed

of it any more, and...

I want to lead a funny lifestyle now."

[laughter]

"I want to be with other funny people,

I want to have breakfast

at two in the afternoon."

[laughter]

And I was out.

[laughs]

And the other thing was uh...

meeting girls in the bar out there.

That was a new thing, too,

because comedians sometimes have a little

difficulty in normal social situations.

I can do this, for some reason,

and I always... always felt comfortable

doing what I'm doing right now.

I could talk to all of you,

but I can't talk to any of you.

[laughter]

I don't really understand that,

but I've talked to a lot of other

comedians that have a similar thing.

So when you...

Coming here and doing a show,

and then you go sit in the bar

and girls would talk to you.

And that was, like, unbelievable.

So that's why

we never went any place else.

[laughter]

Why would you not go

where someone might be able to see you do

the one thing that you can do

that's kind of cool?

So I started having relationships

with women, observing them up close.

Uh... Especially their bathrooms -

fascinating little wonderlands.

I noticed that women need a large

and constant supply of cotton balls,

and men don't need any.

I've never had a cotton ball

in my entire life.

I've never bought one,

owned one, needed one.

I've never been in a situation

where I've thought to myself,

"I could use a cotton ball right now."

[laughter]

"I could certainly get out of this mess."

Women need them.

And they don't need one or two,

they need thousands every single day.

They buy beanbag chairs

filled with cotton balls -

two days later, they're all out,

they need more.

They're on their way back to the store.

The only time you ever see them

is in the bottom of a little wastebasket,

looking like they have had

a horrible experience.

[laughter]

Tortured, interrogated -

I don't know what you did to them.

Once, a woman left three cotton balls

over at my house.

It took me a year to use them up.

Put one on the kitchen floor for

cockroaches to think it's a tumbleweed,

go, "This is a dead town. Let's move on."

[laughter and applause]

Or I go to the doctor.

Before he gives you the shot, puts alcohol

on your arm with a cotton ball,

I bring one of mine.

He goes for his, I go,

"Maybe you could use this one."

[laughter]

Sometimes he would use it,

take a penny off on my bill.

Gives me the prescription,

I take that home, open up the bottle,

there's another cotton ball in there.

The cotton-ball syndicate

was always one step ahead.

[laughter]

But relationships contain tension.

That is unavoidable.

It's essential, it's eternal.

All relationships,

there's always a little agenda thing

not quite lining up...

between the two people, right?

And so every relationship

you're in in life,

there's going to be tension.

Just accept that.

You ask any friend

how their relationship is going,

touching their face

is the first thing they do.

"How is it going with Judy?"

"Not bad."

[laughter]

"Yeah, we're doing OK."

And the higher up on the face they go,

the worse the relationship is.

"I heard you're having some problems."

"We've got to work on a couple of things."

"I heard you might break up."

"Yeah, I can't go any higher on my head!"

[applause]

This is one of the things

it takes guys time to learn.

Especially you young guys who have

got it all going on in every other area.

But you've got to learn the flowers.

The power of flowers

takes a long time for men to understand.

To us, it seems,

you know, like a frivolous thing,

like an insignificant thing.

It is... This is key!

[laughter]

If there were no flowers,

Earth would be populated

by men and lesbians.

That would be it.

[laughter]

Women are with men to get flowers.

That's what they want.

Men don't want flowers.

Don't give a man flowers.

"Oh, I've got to take care of this now?"

[laughter]

"And what if they die? I guess

that's my fault? I'm the bad guy? Fine."

But a guy walking down the street

holding a bouquet of flowers,

he's the star of that street.

No other guy wants to be with a girl

on the same street as that guy.

Because you get that, "See?"

[laughter]

"That's what I'm talking about."

[laughter]

Because he's got flowers!

He could have a severed head in

the other hand, she doesn't notice that.

[laughter]

He was probably just defending himself.

[laughter]

That's why the florist is not really

set up right for what men need.

You just should walk in,

you tell them what you did wrong,

they give you the flowers for that,

and you just move right out the back.

They need to make up the,

"All right,

your brother's not an idiot" bouquet.

The, "Your career's

important, too" basket.

That would be helpful to men.

[laughter]

I got engaged when I was 29.

Didn't go through with it.

The date wasn't good for me.

[laughter]

Had to cancel.

No, it was one of those things.

You know, a lot of people go through that.

The word "engaged" is a very scary word.

I-I would change that

if I was in charge of that.

I don't know, women, or whoever

came up with that word, "engaged."

I just saw giant gears just going,

"Chunk!"

"Engaged," to me, I felt like I was on

the first hill of a rollercoaster, going,

"Click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click."

"Boy, this thing goes high."

"Click, click, click." At the top,

they give you the ring and piece of cake.

[screams]

"We're married!"

[screams]

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Biggest step, I think, in relationships

is you decide to have a kid.

I think you get to a point where everybody

you know has pretty much caught onto you.

You need to create a new person

that doesn't know anything about you.

[laughter]

You need a relationship

where someone's impressed

you know where the spoons are.

[laughter]

Where to urinate.

But, of course, they mature,

become intelligent and leave the house.

That's why people get pets,

because dogs stay stupid.

[laughter]

They grow, they get older,

but they never catch on to anything.

Every time you come home,

he thinks it's amazing.

They go through the routine.

He's back again!

It's that guy with the food

And the ball

It's the guy

"How did you know which house I was in?"

[laughter and applause]

[chuckles]

And that's a tough thing

for a lot of humans.

They have a tough time making that leap.

"I'm going to have a kid."

I had a next-door neighbor

one time actually had a pet monkey.

[laughter]

A chimp. And I thought,

"Come on, man. You're so close."

[laughter]

I mean, if you need a pet

that can roller-skate and smoke cigars...

it's time to think about a family.

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