Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #6

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[laughter]

What about men? Men like things.

Building, fixing, working on things,

or being around other men

that are building,

fixing, or working on things.

If a man is in his driveway

working on something with tools,

every other man in the neighborhood

is magnetically drawn to this activity

by, like, some invisible force.

They just wander up like zombies.

They go up to the window,

they pull the drape back.

"I think Jim's

working on something over there."

"I better get over there."

[laughter]

They don't help the guy.

They just want to be in the area.

We want to be in the area

where work is being done.

We want to ask him dumb questions.

"What are you using,

a Phillips head there?"

"Yeah, that's a good screwdriver,

the Phillips."

[laughter]

You always want to hitch your pants

when you talk about tools.

[laughter]

But this is why,

when they have construction sites,

they have these

wood-panel fences around it,

just to keep the men out,

so they can get a day's work done.

They cut a little hole for us

so we can stick our head in

and see what the hell is going on.

"Is he using a Phillips?"

"Yeah, looks like a Phillips down there.

That's a good screwdriver."

[laughter]

This was the place

that uh... really gave us a home,

and we just...

locked onto it, you know?

For me,

it really felt very Long Island, in a way.

- [Jimmy] Oh?

- Because it wasn't cool, Manhattan.

So we fit right in.

Seven nights a week, we were here.

Seven nights a week, for months

and months and months at a time.

You would spend all day

getting ready for the sun to drop.

- Right, yeah.

- Right?

Until the sun dropped, we didn't exist.

Yeah, as soon as it got dark...

- [Mark] That's right.

- "My life is starting now."

And how about when you walked in this door

and all your friends are here?

- [Jimmy] Yeah.

- [Jerry] And there's an audience in there.

It was amazing.

To me, it was like high school

without the school part.

- [Jerry] Yes!

- You know?

And we were the...

the stars of the football team.

- That's right.

- Right?

Which none of us

had ever experienced anything like that,

socially, in our lives,

prior to that moment.

You know, you had to be a dysfunctional

social person to confront this.

- You had to be desperate.

- Desperate.

Yeah.

[laughter]

What else would you like to know?

- We've covered many things.

- [man] What's wrong with the Mets?

Well, it's baseball,

and nobody cares.

[laughter and applause]

[cheering]

Here's the thing about sports

you've got to understand, sir.

This whole concept of the team -

your team, my team...

"Hey, that's our team.

The Mets, that's our team."

Really? Is it our team?

Who are these guys? Where are they from?

They're not from around here.

They're just paid to wear those clothes.

The uniform

is the only constant in the sport.

The guys are moving around,

different teams,

teams are moving from different towns.

We're really just rooting for our clothes

to defeat the clothes

from the team of the other city.

[applause]

That's what sports is.

We are rooting for laundry

and nothing else.

I always find it weird how upset we get

when a guy leaves your team

and then he plays against your team.

"Different shirt! I hate this guy!"

"I can't believe he's wearing that shirt!"

[laughter]

Everyone you see every day

is wearing a different shirt.

You don't get upset with them

for some reason. I don't know.

But I'm excited for the clothes

that you're wearing tonight.

Your clothes got out.

That's a big night for them, too.

Clothes are waiting all the time.

They're waiting in the store,

closet, hamper, drawer.

Everything you're not wearing now is home,

hoping to get picked tomorrow.

[laughter]

Laundry day is another exciting day.

The washing machine

is a nightclub for clothes.

It's dark, bubbles are happening,

they're all dancing.

They seem to kind of dance in there,

don't they?

The shirt grabs the underwear,

"Come on, babe, let's go."

You come by,

you open up the lid, they all freeze.

[laughter]

"Could you close the door, please?

It's kind of a private club."

"There's a dress code,

no one's allowed to be on anything."

[laughter]

Now, things progressing along

in little Jerry's comedy adventure.

I got to a point

where I could afford a maid.

The first time...

You remember these little firsts.

I remember the first time I could afford

a maid, I felt so guilty the whole time.

I was following her around the apartment.

"I don't know why I left that there.

I'm sorry. I..."

"Obviously I could have picked it up.

I should have.

I just didn't, and I don't know why.

I have no excuse. I apologize for that."

[laughter]

This is why I could never be a maid,

because that's the attitude...

I would walk in the house.

"Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this?"

[laughter]

"No, no, no. Let me clean up your filth...

while you just sit there

like a subway rat with a trust fund."

[laughter]

"You make me sick!"

Socks hate their lives, we know that.

They're on the stinky feet,

the boring drawers.

They wait for the laundry.

That's their one chance to escape,

and they all know it.

[laughter]

How many times have you done a wash,

go to the dryer, count up your socks,

one of them got out?

[laughter]

Escaped, took off.

Never takes his partner!

"To hell with you! Tired of everyone

thinking we're the same!"

[laughter]

The dryer door swings open, the sock

is always waiting up against the sidewall.

[laughter]

You're feeling around. "I know

he's in there, that little son of a b*tch.

I know he's trying to get away!"

Sometimes they grab onto a sweater,

gives them a head start.

[laughter]

And off they go down the street.

[hums tune]

[laughter]

What can he do?

How is he going to survive out there?

On a golf club, puppet show, amputee.

What are the options?

[laughter]

Sometimes you see a dirty sock

on the street, just one.

Just dirty, twisted, exhausted.

He only made it a couple of blocks.

[laughter]

What about his partner left behind?

What are his options?

"Oh, now I'm going to get thrown out

because of him? How is that fair?"

[laughter]

"The whole drawer knew he was going

to pull a stunt like this someday.

That's why he was always inside out

and rolling down.

He wasn't one of us to begin with."

[laughter]

So I told you

my parents came to see me here.

They had already moved to Florida

by then, anyway.

Um... They didn't want to move to Florida.

They got old and that's the law, so...

[laughter]

A little golf cart pulled up with a siren.

"Let's go, pop.

White pants, belt and shoes.

Get in the car.

I got it all ready for you.

You're out of here. This part's over."

[laughter and applause]

Visiting my parents in Florida in these...

I don't get those minimum-security

prison places that they like down there.

Little guard-gate booth at the front,

the thing comes down in front of your car,

19-year-old kid in a phony cop uniform

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