Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #7

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comes running out.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?

Your name is not on the list!"

[laughter]

"Dude, who is stealing the old people?

What's the...

What is the lockdown here?"

"I got a granny! Let's go."

[laughter]

Go down there to visit your parents,

end up in a hot tub with your father

and three or four really old men.

[laughter]

That's a perfect way

to meet elderly people, right?

Half-naked,

sitting in tubs of hot bubbling water?

They get out,

they look like an ad for gravity.

[laughter]

Why do these old guys love heat?

Steam rooms, hot tubs, saunas, Jacuzzis.

If they ever decide to land a man

on the sun,

these old retired guys

would be able to handle it.

No space suit,

just a towel, a pair of flip-flops.

They will sit there on a wood bench,

with a washcloth on their head, going,

"Close the door!"

"Come on, in or out.

You're letting all the heat off the sun."

[laughter]

My mom is uh... still driving.

Can't see a goddamn thing.

[laughter]

Don't you have to see to drive?

Isn't that part of driving?

I had her car fitted with

a cataract-lens windshield.

[laughter]

It's a one-foot thick, curved glass...

prescription windshield.

Everyone's head inside the car

looks huge now.

[laughter]

People think it's a car full of

sports mascots coming down the street.

They don't know what it is.

My dad would wait for me to come home

so that I could help him move furniture.

This is his favorite bonding activity.

I don't see him for three months.

"Give me a hand with this, would you?"

"I haven't seen you in three months."

"Get the other end. Let's go."

[laughter]

My father's moving technique

was to pick up something incredibly heavy,

get it in the air,

and then he explains

what we're going to do with it.

[laughter]

He's always got a cigarette in his mouth,

burned to a quarter-of-an-inch long,

the smoke going right in his eye.

[laughter]

Because you want your eye

blinking and tearing

when you're going backwards

down a staircase, holding a wall unit.

That's the easy way to do it.

"Easy," that's his favorite word.

Lift it up. "All right, easy now.

Easy, easy, easy."

It's not easy, it's very difficult.

[laughter]

Why don't you say that?

"Difficult, difficult, difficult.

Impossible, impossible, impossible.

Put it down, it's impossible."

[laughter]

[movie projector whirring]

[Jerry] I try to put cigarettes

into my comedy as much as I can.

I want to do those moves.

[laughter]

When I'm arguing with a smoker,

if they have the cigarette and I don't,

they got me.

[laughter]

"You see what I'm saying?

Because I have a cigarette and you

have nothing. This is what I'm saying."

[laughter]

"Your hands are empty.

My hands are busy all the time."

[laughter]

"And it's on fire. Does that bother you?

It doesn't bother me. I'm used to it."

They put it out and the argument is over.

When they put that cigarette out,

there's nothing more to add.

[laughter]

I'm standing there, "I think this.

I feel this. My point of view is this."

They go, "That's your whole opinion?"

[exhales]

[laughter and applause]

"It's out, you're wrong."

[laughter]

It was all about the material,

the bits, the stuff.

Rodney Dangerfield said to me,

"The killers,

they're wanted in all 50 states."

Minutes - comedians think in minutes.

How many minutes do they want?

How many minutes do you have?

How many minutes did you do?

Any time I wrote something that worked,

I saved it in this accordion folder.

Every single thing.

And this is it,

from 1975 until this morning.

A lot of jobs I wouldn't want because

I don't like the attitude of the people.

The notary public seems to be very

thrilled with their power and position.

You go to the bank,

"I need this notarized."

"Oh, the notary's not here.

You've got to wait."

Only the notary can notarize -

has the skill, the technique,

the background

to take a stamper and go, "Boom, boom."

[laughter]

Sometimes I just want to take

that stamper, rip it out of his hands.

"There, I have the power now!"

"You see, he's just a man!"

[laughter]

How do they teach people to do that?

Notary classes

where the teacher stands at the front?

"OK, everyone, now, ready and..."

Press and stamp and hold

And up and back to the pad

And press, up, over, and stamp

Push down, up and back to the pad

Pressing, stamping, holding

And up and back to the pad

Press and stamp and hold and up

And back to the pad

[laughter]

If it was a musical notary public school,

I imagined it like that.

Thank you.

I don't like magicians.

I've worked with many magicians in

my many years in the nightclub business.

I don't like their attitude.

A little full of themselves,

a little arrogant.

"I come on, I fool you,

you feel stupid, show's over."

[laughter]

Never explain, you never understand.

That's how they do it.

"Here's a quarter. Now it's gone.

You're a jerk."

[laughter]

Craziest act I've ever seen was this guy

that could catch bullets in his teeth.

It was kind of a circus act,

really, but it was real.

I think it was real.

I don't really even know.

But this guy would come out,

they would shoot a gun at him,

he would go...

[laughter]

How do you know you're good at this...

[laughter]

before you do it?

They throw it - throw it at you

a couple of times first, really hard.

[laughter]

Put it in the gun. "OK, Jim, this one's

going to be coming a little faster now."

[laughter]

"We're going to pick up the pace

quite a bit here."

[laughter]

It's definitely a house you don't want

to break into if you're a crook.

You shoot him in the bedroom,

he comes walking out.

[spits] "I think you got

the wrong house, pal."

[laughter]

"I do this all day, OK?"

"So fire away."

To me, the worst part of the whole thing

is I saw this guy, I was amazed,

and I have no idea...

I don't know the name.

What's the name of the guy? I don't know.

If he knew that, wouldn't he feel, like,

"What the hell do I have to do...

to really impress people?"

[laughter]

President's a weird job.

[laughter]

How do you think... People say,

"I think the President might be crazy."

"Oh, yeah? So? Well, what do you expect?"

Anybody who thinks

they should be the president,

there's your test right there.

If you actually think for real,

in your head, that you should be...

You're out of your mind! You're crazy!

[laughter]

"I should be the president,"

to me, is like,

"I should be Thor."

[laughter]

"I think I would like to be

Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony.com.

That's what I want."

You're out of your mind, OK?!

These are crazy ideas!

"Who should be

the most powerful person in America,

the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces

and leader of the free world?"

"You know, that sounds like me."

[laughter]

"It seems like something

I would be good at."

[laughter]

"I can't think of anyone better than me...

to be in charge of absolutely everything!"

[laughter]

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