Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #8

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"Because I'm insane," is the rest of that

sentence. "Because I'm insane."

So I understand those people.

I don't get upset,

or I try not to get upset

about the politic people,

because you should know,

or you do know, this is who they are, OK?

I comprehend it.

What I do not comprehend is how we

ended up with the elephant and the donkey

as the two mascot animals

for only two major political parties.

You've got the whole animal kingdom here.

You can pick from magnificent stallion,

Bengal tiger.

Democrats:
"How about a jackass?

How about...

Why don't we be the jackasses?"

"I like the jackass idea.

Did everyone hear that?

The jackass is a very impressive animal."

[laughter]

"You don't think people will think that

we're jackasses if we pick a jackass?"

"No, it's two completely separate things."

[laughter]

The Republicans go,

"If they're going jackasses,

how about a smelly,

slow-witted circus animal? How about..."

An elephant is certainly impressive

when you weigh five tons wearing

the smallest possible hat you can get.

[laughter]

And you know, this is a true fact

about elephants in the circus.

Before they go out to do their show,

they take a broom handle,

they stick it up the elephant's ass

so the elephant empties himself,

because they don't want him to do it

during the show.

"And I think that's also a good image

for our party.

That says, 'We're willing to do

whatever we have to do.'"

[laughter]

"Pony."

Oh, this is a thing about pony rides,

that parents take kids on pony rides,

and there's nothing else

that they could use ponies for

except for rides for little kids.

The cops don't use them for crowd control.

This bit worked pretty good.

And uh... so I would do the cop going,

"You want to get back

behind the barricade."

Yeah, this is pretty funny.

Definitely late '70s.

To feel that your sense of humor

is actually being validated,

that is the only validation I think I have

ever really cared about as a human being.

But I didn't really care

whether they liked me or not.

To me it was, like,

do they like the material?

Do they like the jokes?

Do they like what I thought of?

It's like, I'm not out here, "I need you

to... I wish you would like me."

You know, if you like it, fine;

if you don't, that's fine, too.

I'm about out of time here.

Time is uh...

I think one of the things

people lie about the most.

Anything "20 minutes" is a lie.

[laughter]

Any time someone says, "I'll be there

in 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes..."

"You said 20 minutes."

"It was!"

Nobody knows what 20 minutes is.

If you want to lie, just say, "I'll be

20 minutes. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

I saw an ad for a mattress store

a couple of months ago.

"No payments until June,"

because they know our idiot brain

is going to go, "Oh, June?"

"Well, that's not really my problem,

then, is it?"

[laughter]

"It will probably never be June, anyway."

"That's June guy's problem."

[laughter]

Same for when you're watching TV

late at night, right?

And you're tired,

and you're binge-watching

all your little Netflix shows,

and you think I don't know

you're doing it right now.

After you're done with me,

you're going to go back to your little

show, maybe find out who the killer is.

What about work tomorrow?

You've got to get up.

"Oh, that's morning guy's problem.

I'm night guy.

Party rocks on for night guy.

Fire up another episode,

crack open another sleeve of Oreos.

No rules for night guy!"

Then, the next morning,

the alarm goes off,

you're trashed, crumbs in the bed.

"Why did I do that?

I hate you, night guy!"

[laughter and applause]

Because night guy...

Wait there's more. Because night guy...

Night guy always screws morning guy.

Nothing morning guy can do.

He turns into coffee-all-day guy...

who's then can't-sleep-at-night guy...

totally-trashed-doesn't-do-his-work guy,

and out-of-a-job guy.

Does night guy care? No.

He's sleeping on a brand-new mattress,

courtesy of no-payments-until-June guy.

[laughter and cheering]

So, when you're doing stand-up comedy,

you absolutely have to connect

with the audience.

Not every other form of art is like that.

A lot of movies I see,

it doesn't seem like they care

if we can even follow the plot.

I'm the kind of guy...

I have a lot of trouble

with these movies like uh...

Jason Bourne, Mission Impossible.

I'm the guy you always see

in the parking lot after the movie,

talking with his friends, going,

"Oh, you mean,

that was the same guy from the beginning?"

[laughter]

"Oh!

That's why after he stole the money

he had the fake nose,

beard, and then he didn't!

Oh!"

"Did you enjoy the movie?"

"Yes, I'm enjoying it here

in the parking lot,

but in there,

I didn't know what the hell was going on."

[laughter]

Nobody will explain anything to you

in a movie theater once you get confused.

[whispers] "What is happening now?"

"Shh!"

"Just pay attention."

[laughter]

"Why did they kill that guy?"

"I thought he was with them."

"They had to."

[laughter]

"I liked that guy. That was the..."

"That's the only guy that I liked."

"Would you just watch the movie?"

"I am watching the movie."

"I don't understand anything."

"You know as much as I do!"

[laughter]

"I know nothing!"

"Is this a space movie? Is it a Western?"

"I am lost in this movie."

"I hate this movie."

[laughter]

"And I hate you, too."

[laughter]

for the plot?

Closed-captioned for the movie-impaired.

These are the movies I would go to.

A little thing pops up.

"Don't worry about this guy,

he's only in this one scene."

[laughter]

"Here's the name of the movie

you can't remember

that you have seen this person in before."

[laughter and applause]

Anyway,

the story that I wanted to tell you

was if you ever wanted to know

how I did whatever I've done,

it really all started here

at the Comic Strip.

This was the place where I created all of

the material that I did for you tonight.

[cheering and applause]

And it's what got me from, you know,

open-mic Monday night - audition night,

living at home with my parents,

in my little room,

to, five years later,

being on The Tonight Show on NBC,

sitting next to Johnny Carson.

This was the stuff that got me there.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you very much.

You've been a fantastic audience.

I love you.

Thank you for letting me tell my story

tonight. I hope you enjoyed it.

Good night.

[cheering]

[applause continues]

Jerry Seinfeld.

Thank you, Jerry. Take a bow.

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