Jersey Shore Massacre Page #5

Now where's

that f***ing pizza?

I'm starving!

Pizza!

Oh, my leg!

I wouldn't mind being

stuck in a bear trap

alone in the woods

if it was with you.

Ooh, who needs

a bear trap

when I have handcuffs

in my bedroom,

you sexy little ape, you?

You little freak!

Uh-huh.

Uhh!

Oh, my God!

Bye!

Whoo!

Later, boys.

Who are you?

I'm Cupcake the Clown.

And you just ate my cupcake.

So now it's time to cut a few

calories the old-fashioned way!

Get me outta here,

Mister.

Come on,

get me outta here!

Certainly.

I'd smack that clown

so f***ing hard,

he'd be begging me

to stop.

Where are you taking me,

you big ape?

To the bedroom.

We just passed it.

Put me down!

So... do you

have a girlfriend?

No, sweet tits.

I don't get burned

like that.

So why don't you

do me a favor--

go into that bedroom.

I'm going to the shower

and rinse off, okay?

Ooh.

The Electro Beam 300?

Classic!

Ba ba!

Yeah.

You little freak.

Oh, no.

I'm a prisoner.

Please, don't hurt me.

What?

I just wanted a slice!

Yo, get that

fat piece of sh*t!

Yeah, cry like

a little b*tch, fat boy.

I can't take this sh*t.

Who wants

to take a swim?

Me.

Let's go.

Ha ha ha!

Prepare to die!

Ohh!

Damn...

Wait for me!

I could totally see you

as becoming a lawyer.

You know why?

You got eyes just like

the guy from "Law and Order."

Yeah, so maybe that's

what I should do--

becoming a backstabbing lawyer

and make a lot of money.

What about you?

I could be

your secretary.

I got lots of really

sexy dresses and nice b*obs,

and I'm really good

at answering the phone.

Val, Dina.

Come over here

so I can show you

the new pictures

of Mr. Wiggles.

Mr. Wiggles!

Ohh...

You sit tight there.

Who the f***

is Mr. Wiggles?

Rosemarie's

pet ferret!

Wanna see it?

Aww!

Isn't he sweet?

This is me and Mr. Wiggles

in the shower.

Aww!

Dude, what the f*** is wrong

with these f***ing girls?

I love that one!

I'm not f***ing putting up

with this sh*t no more.

See, he's got

a personality like a person.

Where do you two

think you're going?

I'm taking my secretary...

to the boardroom.

He wants me

to take dick-tation.

Oh, shut up.

Get lost.

We're trying to have

a conversation.

Freddy, come here.

What?

I don't know, I got

a math question

I'm trying

to figure out.

Just get over here.

What do you want?

Look, Tony wants

to get with Dina.

I wanna get with Teresa,

and you wanna get

with Valerie, right?

Yeah.

Well, there's

four of them,

and there's three of us.

So you know

what that means?

No one is gonna get

with anyone

until we figure out a way

to extract the grenade.

Make it three on three.

Hey, girls, girls,

you guys--

you guys

want a doughnut?

No, the doughnuts

are for you, honey.

We get it-- you like to eat

f***in' doughnuts all the time.

No f***ing way.

I'm not taking

one for the team

for the fifth f***ing

time in a row.

Oh, come on, Freddy.

We got a better idea.

Just start talking

to her as if you like her,

and pretend you're interested

in what she says, right?

Ask her to take you

to the store,

like you gotta go

get something.

Yeah, use my car.

Now, when you get a few miles

down the road,

just open the door,

let her out, and drive away.

Yeah, but then when

she finds her way back,

they're all gonna hate us.

So?

We'll be done.

Yeah-- Tony

will be smashing Dina,

I'll be hooking up

with Teresa,

and Valerie,

she'll be all yours.

Youse are good.

Go get 'em.

Watch this.

What are you guys

talking about over there?

Tony just wanted to find out

the square route of 37,

so I figured I'd

help him out, you know?

Oh, okay.

You must be good

with numbers.

Well...

I know a perfect 10

when I see one.

Ohh...

You're so sweet.

I never got to tell you

about my ferret,

Mr. Wiggles.

Oh, yeah,

I'm so interested.

Please, tell me.

Well, every Christmas,

I dress him up in

a ballerina costume.

Wow.

Jeez.

What?

Oh, nothing,

I just wish I had a cigarette

when we talked about

Mr. Wiggles.

We could drive into town

to get a pack, if you want.

Yeah, that's

a great idea!

Then we could

smoke cigarettes

and talk about

Mr. Wiggles all night!

Let's go!

Oh, you nasty

little b*tch.

Oh... oh.

Oh, f*** yeah.

Aah!

I have a hamster

named Buzzy that--

Oh, wow,

that's f***ing amazing.

He knows how to swim.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing, just, uh,

catching up on some emails.

That's cool.

So, uh, you get

good reception out here?

Yeah, it's not too bad.

Oh, really?

Yeah...

So, um...

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing, I'm just

hanging out, you know?

It's all good,

sweetheart.

It's, uh...

You're gonna have fun,

come on.

Yeah, I'm having

a good time.

Just relax.

I'm pretty relaxed.

Just relax.

What the f***?!

What the hell was that?

What the f***?!

What, you don't wanna

be with me?

No, why would you think

I'd wanna be with you?

'Cause every other b*tch

in New Jersey

would kill

to wife me up!

Wife-- really?

'Cause if I was

married to you,

I'd put poison in your

orange juice every morning!

Yeah, well, if I

was married to you,

I'd drink it,

you f***in' b*tch!

Dick.

So, uh, is Buzzy

a boy or a girl hamster?

So how much longer

to the store?

Couldn't be much further.

Oh, my God,

you see that?

See what?

Looked like a little puppy

dog-- it crossed the road.

A puppy dog?

Yeah, it looked

like it was lost!

Stop the car!

I think it ran

into the cow pasture!

Oh, God, I hope the cows

don't eat him!

Oh, my God!

Freddy!

Freddy, you a**hole!

There's so many hot gorilla

juiceheads in here,

I don't wanna leave yet.

Hey, where's Rosemarie?

Uh, she saw

an all-night buffet

and decided to go back

for a midnight snack.

What?

Mmm.

Where's my shot?

Hey, wingman!

Oh, yeah!

Huh?

Ah!

Mmm.

Vinnie, you

f***ing a**hole!

What?

F*** all of youse.

I need a smoke.

Yo, hey, come back

here, you p*ssy!

What'd you have, two bowls

of stupid this morning?

Oh, that was a good one.

Yo, that was dope.

Eww.

Why do they keep

flying into it

when they see their friends

exploding all over the place?

Just mindless life forms

following the light

aimlessly

into the darkness.

Mm?

Hey, anybody

home in here?

Hey, where'd Freddy go?

He had a hissy fit

and took off.

Oh, he's got

my f***ing keys!

You just gonna

leave me here?

Screw him.

Ah, quiet, b*tch.

Screw you.

Hey, Freddy!

What's he doing?

Dropping dead, I hope.

Hey, I'm starving.

What do we got

to eat?

I got some hot dogs

in the fridge.

Hot dogs?

I'm all over

that sh*t.

Hey, Freddy,

you f***ing d*ckhead!

Where are you?

Freddy?

Where the f***

are you?

Vinnie!

If he's f***ing with me,

I'm gonna throw him a beatin'.

Freddy?

So, yeah, I do, like,

about 1,000 push-ups

every day.

Really?

I need to eat now.

Good...

get the barbecue going

while I get the other

stuff ready.

All right.

Mm!

No...

Aah!

Kill me.

Please kill me.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I thought I heard

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