Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #6

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he goes, "I'm all dehydrated.

I need a Gatorade or a Powerade

or something with 'ade.'

I need electrolytes. My mouth is dry."

And I'm just staring at him, like...

Then he points at me, he goes,

"Oh, I know you.

You do the TV show with the disabled boy."

And I said, "I do do the TV show

with the disabled boy!"

And he goes, "I love that show.

It's a fantastic show.

You're masturbating off a little disabled

boy in the sky. What a great show it was.

What are you doing here?"

And I said, "I'm gonna do stand-up

for the dinner party!"

And he went, "There's no way that's

gonna work out," and he just f***ed off.

So I just break out

into a f***ing sweat, right?

And then Mariah's assistant

comes up to me,

and she goes, "It's time."

Now, let me paint a picture for you.

There's 20 people in a garden,

sitting at a long table,

surrounded by tiki torches

before tiki torches had

racist connotations.

They're all famous people.

They do not know

that there's any entertainment.

Nor have I been announced.

There is not a microphone.

There is not a light.

I'm walking out in my socks.

I just look like a guy

who's gotten onto the property...

And has a few things

that he wants to say.

See, the difference

between stand-up comedy

and a drunk guy giving opinions?

That's it.

So I walk out, and so,

Mariah Carey's here, James Packer's here,

Eddie Murphy's here.

Al Pacino's here, Warren Beatty's here,

and it gets less and less

famous as we go along.

So I walk out, I've never done

a birthday party before,

so I just treat it

like a kid's birthday party.

So I walk up to a 50-year-old man,

and I go, "Hey, hey!"

"Happy birthday!"

And he went, "Who are you?"

And I went, "Who am I?

I'm Jim Jefferies,

your favorite comedian!"

And he goes, "I don't know you."

And I pointed at Mariah,

and I said, "Mariah!"

And Mariah's on her seventh Xanax

of the f***ing day.

And she just looks over at him and goes,

"Remember? We watched him

on the computer doing something."

It was very clear that they were towards

the end of their relationship,

because he was just like,

"Why do you talk?"

And I went, "F*** it!

I'll tell some jokes anyway, shall I?"

At that stage,

Leonardo DiCaprio walks in

with three of the hottest chicks

I've ever seen in my f***ing life.

He has it big,

'cause he just did that movie

where he had sex with a bear.

I haven't seen it.

He walks up. He stands next to me.

Everyone greets him

like he's Norm from Cheers, right?

Somehow, this c*nt gets

to keep his shoes on.

And he just chats to the table

for three minutes.

So for three minutes,

I'm standing

next to Leonardo DiCaprio like this...

After three minutes,

he doesn't even look at me.

He just points at me and goes,

"What's all this about?"

And Warren Beatty went, "We don't know!"

Then Leonardo DiCaprio

took the women over,

and sat on some garden furniture,

and I was like,

"F*** it, I'll just go do 12 minutes.

No one says anyone has to laugh,

I just gotta f***ing talk, right?"

So I just started phoning in

some f***ing jokes.

I just looked at them and went,

"There's a turtle at my kid's school,"

and I told the turtle routine,

and I'm just f***ing walking around

telling the f***ing turtle routine.

James Packer is getting angrier

and angrier, just like...

"F***ing..."

At one stage, he says to Mariah Carey

at the same volume

that I'm talking next to him,

he says, "Why did you think

I'd enjoy this?"

Right?

And I'm like, "Just keep smiling, Jim.

Keep a song in your heart,

and they can't hurt you."

So I keep going,

and he's getting angrier and angrier,

and he just goes like this...

"Gun control!"

And I said, "Yes!"

"I'm the gun control guy!"

And he goes, "I love that bit.

Do that bit."

And I said, "I haven't performed that

in over a year.

I really don't know how it goes,"

and he went, "Just f***ing do it."

And I went, "Okay!"

So I started doing the gun control thing.

So I'm like running across the lawn

to do the f***ing safe thing.

Now, that routine...

is 16-and-a-half minutes long.

I go through it in eight minutes.

'Cause it turns out,

it's shorter without laughter.

I did get a laugh, though.

I got a laugh from James Packer.

At the halfway moment during the routine,

he just gave this,

like, Australian billionaire...

guttural f***ing laugh.

He just went, "Ha!"

This laugh is so distinctive

to my Australian ear,

that if I was in the Outback,

and I heard it,

I would become like Steve Irwin,

and be like,

"Oh! That's the Australian billionaire."

And then he just went...

Because it was his birthday,

it was like a moment in a medieval film

where the king started laughing,

and the rest of the courtyard was like,

"The King is amused!"

They all started laughing a little bit,

and all of a sudden,

I wasn't having a good gig,

but I was getting away with it.

So I finish up the show and I did

a routine that was on my last special

about how I'm a five

in the looks department,

but because I'm on TV

I get to f*** sixes and sevens,

but because I'm an alcoholic,

I f*** fours and threes.

So I did that routine, then afterwards,

I'm standing around with my manager, Alex,

and we're drinking,

and Al Pacino and Warren Beatty

walk up to us

and they're drunk as f***, or...

they're just old.

And Al Pacino walks up to me,

and this is the exact words

he says, he went, "Oh!

A couple of fives

are talking to each other."

And I forgot my routine,

I'm like, "Sorry?"

And he goes, "I'm a five.

You're also a five."

Then I remembered, I went,

"Well, I get to f*** sixes and sevens

because I'm on the TV.

I bet you're f***ing crazy nines

and tens, right?"

And he grabs one of the girls with Leo,

and he drags her,

and he goes, "You're right."

Then he pushed her away,

and then Harvey Weinstein tackled her

and dragged her into the bushes.

And then he goes like this,

he goes, "I like what you do.

You tell stories.

Nobody tells stories anymore."

"You tell a story, I'm enjoying myself.

Oh, I'm enjoying myself.

But then you get distracted

and go on a tangent,

and I think, 'Oh, no...

I'll never hear the end of this tale.'"

But then you come back to the story,

"and I'm like, 'Wow!

He remembered the whole time.'"

And then he kept talking

for, like, ten minutes

and at the ten minute mark,

I hadn't said a word,

and he literally said, he goes,

"You haven't said anything!"

"Am I talking too much?"

And I said, "Mr. Pacino,

this is one of the greatest moments

of my life.

Please keep talking till I come."

And he said, "A challenge!"

Then he said to me, he goes, "Do you act?"

Al Pacino says, "Do you act?"

and I'm like,

"I've acted.

I'm not an actor. I'm a comedian."

And he goes, "Oh!

I know a lot about acting,"

and I was like, "Yeah you do."

And he's like,

"You're going to be a great actor!

A great actor!"

And I'm like a fat chick being hit on.

I'm like...

Then he went, "No, f*** it!

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