Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #7

---

Don't act!

You're better than us.

Acting's for idiots like me and him.

He points at Warren Beatty,

and Warren Beatty, at this stage,

is looking at a moth going

around a tiki torch, like...

He goes, "You're better than us.

You tell stories.

You're a director."

And I'm like, "All right."

He's like, "Say it for me.

Say, 'I'm a director.'"

I went "I'm a director."

And he went, "Say it again!"

And I went, "I'm a director."

And he goes, "One more time.

But this time I need more passion

from you, George Jamison."

So I just got the fever and I went,

"I'm a director!"

Everyone there stopped

what the f*** they were doing.

They all stared at me, and I went,

"I don't know what's going on."

Warren Beatty's all confused.

He leans over and goes, "Um...

What do you direct?"

You know when you're a kid in your teens,

you just lie all the time?

But you don't really lie past 30.

You lie to get yourself out of trouble.

Lies like, "I don't know that girl,

I was somewhere else."

Right?

I just did one of those teenage lies.

He goes, "What do you direct?"

And I said,

"I've directed two independent films...

and I have a big budget film

in the works with Warner Bros."

And then Warren Beatty

looks at me and goes, "Um...

How can we stay in touch?"

And I just went...

"I'm f***ing lying, man."

And before I could say anything else,

my manager saw that I was

drowning in this conversation,

he swooped in, so Hollywood-y,

he goes,

"I love this.

Jim Jefferies, Warren Beatty,

you're gonna make a lot

of great films together.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna take my number, Warren,

I'm gonna take yours.

We're gonna stay in touch."

They start swapping numbers

and I'm standing off to the side,

like, "I don't know

what the f*** this is."

Before I could say anything stupid,

Alex puts his arm around me,

and drags me out of the party.

I'm like, "I don't know

what just happened, Alex."

He turned me and went, "You're gonna

have to learn how to direct."

Now, before we go, on all my specials,

I do this little bit at the end.

Um, I mention depression.

Depression has been something

that has been a major part of my life.

Not just my life, but my father's life,

and it has sort of controlled...

um, everything for me.

Now, if you're suffering

from depression...

As I hit 40, it's gotten a bit better.

And it's gotten a bit better

because I was speaking to my dad,

who's 76,

and I said,

"Dad, why aren't you depressed?"

And he said, "Ah...

what are you going to do?"

Now...

That actually said something to me.

It said something big in my brain,

actually,

it flicked a switch.

All right, 'cause I wasted my 20s

being depressed,

the prime years of my life.

I wasted most of my 30s being depressed,

and a lot of you

may have done that as well.

But this is the thing, right?

The only reason we're depressed

in our 20s and our 30s and our 40s,

the prime of our life, is because of hope.

'Cause we think that something better

is f***ing coming, right?

You think you're gonna make it.

You think you're gonna be something.

"What if I don't meet the woman

of my dreams?"

"What if I don't get the career I want?"

And then when you're old, you go, "Ha!"

"I guess none of that happened."

But then you're happy to be alive.

See, I spent weeks, in my 20s,

in my f***ing bed

going, "I don't want to live.

I can't get out of my f***ing bed."

You know who doesn't do that?

People in their 90s.

You don't meet depressed people

in their 90s.

I used to be like, "I can't get up."

People in their 90s are like, "I'm up!"

"Did it again! Boom!"

So all you have to do

is outlive your depression.

And then embrace the things

that make you f***ing weird.

All right, I'm 40, about to turn 41

in a few weeks, and...

I'll tell you a weird thing about me.

I have a passion.

My passion is this.

I like little things

that look like they should be big things.

I act like they're full-size,

but that I'm a giant.

I'll give you an example.

When you're in a shitty hotel,

they give you

a little box of breakfast cereal?

I act like that's a full-size box

of breakfast cereal.

Then I walk up to people and go,

"This is a full-size box

of breakfast cereal.

I'm a giant!"

Like, my ex, Kate, she had to stop buying

cherry tomatoes and baby carrots,

'cause whenever we had them

in the house...

I was a pain in the ass.

I was always like, "Kate!

It's a regular size tomato!

I'm gonna eat it in one bite!

'Cause I'm a giant, Kate!"

Every time we went to a restaurant

and I ordered sliders,

she was like, "F***, here we go."

You don't wanna be sitting next to me

on a plane

when you get that little bottle of vodka.

I'm a nightmare.

I'm like...

"Everyone, I should be drunk!

I just drank a whole bottle of vodka.

But I'm not...

'cause I'm a giant!"

Now, this all came to a head

when my son was two.

We were trying to put him in preschool,

and we went around to the different

schools, we're taking the tours,

and we were on this one tour,

at the school he actually ended up at,

and they were showing us the

play equipment in the classrooms,

and then we walked into the toilets.

And they had these toilets

for two-year-olds,

which had little tiny bowls,

a little tiny seat,

a little tiny water thing,

and a little tiny flusher,

and as soon as I saw them...

I was in heaven.

And the rest of the group kept walking,

and I acted like I was walking,

but I wasn't.

'Cause I had to stick around,

because I had to do a sh*t

on a little toilet.

I didn't even need to do a sh*t.

This was an extra unnecessary sh*t.

I had done a sh*t two hours earlier.

So I pull down my pants,

and I get on the little toilet, now,

maybe the happiest I've ever been.

So I'm doing this sh*t,

and the hole's so small,

it only covers my a**hole,

so my cock and balls are sitting up...

on the lip of the seat,

and I'm just beaming,

but then I reach a dilemma.

Often, when you sh*t,

you also need to wee.

And my dick wanted to wee,

but I was just shitting,

so my dick was confused.

My dick was like, "Name me a scenario

where sh*t is welcome and wee isn't."

I'm like, "We're just shitting right now."

It's like, "F*** it, I'm gonna wee,"

and I'm like, "Please don't wee!

'Cause if you wee,

I'll become a sex offender,

and Hank won't get into the school...

and Kate won't get happy."

Now, at this stage,

Kate realizes I've left the group.

And she walks back in

to see the father of her child

doing a sh*t on a little toilet,

with his cock and balls

sitting up on the lip.

The look of disappointment

that just flooded her face...

I just looked at her like this.

"I'm a giant, Kate!"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

I loved every minute of it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes