Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #4

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with puppy love,

just kissing it like,

"You're so special.

Do you love me, too?

Oh, my God. I'm so happy."

I want a girl to look at my dick and go,

"Ugh, I wish it was black,"

and then blow a snot rocket on it.

Jared Fogle is a pervert.

How do you f*** up the Subway endorsement?

Jared's whole job was

to hold up those big, fat-f*** pants.

That was his job.

All he had to do to stay really rich:

Don't get fat, don't f*** kids.

How hard is that?

I could do that in my sleep.

If you just it say to yourself

on the way out the door--

"Don't get fat and don't f*** kids.

Don't get fat...

don't f*** kids.

Don't get fat, don't f*** kids."

But it's amazing how many people--

you realize their sexual behavior

is so f***ed up.

Obviously, Cosby.

I love his new excuse now.

"I couldn't have committed those rapes.

I'm blind now."

Oh, that's how it works.

And I feel really bad for his wife,

Nelson Mandela.

Jesus.

But you knew Cosby was guilty

when Oprah--

Oprah. You got me on f***ing Oprah.

You knew Cosby was guilty when

Whoopi Goldberg stopped defending him.

Whoopi defended him for years,

and then finally she had to--

But first of all,

what happened to Whoopi Goldberg?

She looks like KRS-One now.

What the f*** happened to her?

And a lot of those women--

Here's what tells you that he did it.

A lot of those women

were in their 70s,

and 70-year-old women just don't lie

about rape.

I'm not saying that young women are liars,

but women that old

don't ever talk about sex.

They don't lie about sex.

Seventy-year-old women lie

about other sh*t.

"My grandson called."

"F*** you, liar. No, he didn't.

It was a wrong number, and you kept him

on the phone for an hour and a half.

You lying old bag!"

But you try to find something good

in everything.

And the wonderful thing

about that relationship ending

was that it forced me

to start working out

'cause I knew I was gonna have

to meet women again.

And I lost a lot of weight.

Has anybody lost weight

in the last few years?

How much weight did you lose?

[man] I lost 100 pounds.

I lost 100 pounds.

What? You lost 100 pounds?

Jeez. What, did you drown your girlfriend?

What happened?

-How'd you lose 100 pounds?

-I don't work out. I just--

You don't work out? Come on.

You mean that's natural?

That's like me saying,

"I don't play center for the Lakers."

No sh*t, stupid.

When you start losing weight,

here's the thing.

A hundred pounds, congratulations.

That's awesome.

Oh, yeah. Give him a hand.

The weird thing is,

I lost about 30 pounds over the years,

and when you start losing weight,

the first five or six or ten pounds,

people are like, "Wow, you look great."

But after you lose, like, 15 pounds,

people don't know how to respond.

Twenty pounds, they're like,

"Uh...

have you been dieting,

or did Charlie Sheen bleed in your mouth?"

Is it okay to joke about Charlie?

Was anybody shocked when he announced

he was HIV-positive? No.

I like Charlie Sheen,

but that's how you know

you've lived a pretty AIDSy life...

when you're that famous

and you're like, "I'm HIV-positive,"

and the whole country is like,

"Well, yeah, I hope so."

For Pete's sake.

I gotta be honest.

Charlie's HIV diagnosis really scared me.

It really shook me because--

I don't know Charlie.

We've never met, never hung out.

But it just kind of rocked me,

and I started thinking

about my sexual behavior.

Even though we've never met,

Charlie and I have had sex

with, I think, four of the same people.

And there's only one

I can mention publicly

because she and I

have discussed it publicly,

and I don't ever want to out people.

But for many years on the radio,

we would interview Bree Olson.

Bree would come in.

If you don't know Bree,

she's a beautiful blond porn star.

She's fun. She's really sexy,

and whenever she was on our show,

she'd always flirt with me.

She'd always be like, "I like you.

You're really cute."

And I was always like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

'Cause I thought she was just doing it

for the radio.

She's probably thinking,

"This guy is blowing me off,"

but meanwhile, I just have no self-esteem.

I'm just like, "Oh, come on."

She thinks I'm too cool for the room.

Meanwhile, I feel like the Elephant Man

when he has the tuxedo on

in front of British high society.

[slurring] "Everybody's been so kind!"

But one day, her publicist says to me,

"No, Bree actually likes you.

She's not joking."

And whatever cool, detached attitude

I had built up evaporated.

I was at Bree's hotel

in less than an hour. Like, really--

"Hi!"

This close to the f***ing,

you know... peephole.

You think my face is unpleasant now?

Look at it through the hole.

It's just a f***ing...

stupid half a moon.

And we f***ed. And I gotta be honest.

It's one of the most earthshattering

sexual experiences I've ever had.

It was beautiful.

And I don't think

that she enjoyed it as much...

'cause she would never do it again.

I tried for years to make it happen again.

I would text her, "What are you doing?"

She'd write back,

"Anything but f***ing you."

It just was--

I think I blew it. Let me ask you,

is it a turn-off to say "I love you"

too quickly?

All right, let me ask the women.

Is it a turn-off

if the first time you f*** a guy,

as he's putting it in,

he's mumbling,

"I love you, I love you, I love you,"

and crying onto your face?

Is that a turn-off?

And I was talking to a buddy of mine.

He was like, "Did you wear a condom?"

I'm like, "What a cute question.

No, stupid. I didn't.

When you're getting into a Lamborghini,

you don't put on a body bag, do you?"

I wouldn't have worn a condom

if I looked into her p*ssy

and saw Magic Johnson waving up at me.

So, then, you fast-forward.

We have sex. She goes out to LA.

She dates Charlie Sheen at one point.

Then all of a sudden, Charlie comes out

and announces he's HIV-positive.

So, I just backtracked a little bit.

I'm like, "Oh, no,

did I get the whole ball rolling?

Oh, no, I gave AIDS

to the guy from Platoon.

I'm a piece of sh*t."

But luckily, Bree Olson has been tested

multiple times.

She does not have HIV.

She is totally negative,

which means I'm HIV-negative.

Yeah, that's how I take an AIDS test.

I'm too freaked out to go to the doctor,

so I just f*** a girl

and then see her in a year,

and, you know--

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm great." "Makes two of us."

She had the strength to smile.

That's six more months of no rubbers

for the kid.

And it's hard for me to meet people,

to be really honest with you,

because I've talked about myself

so much publicly.

People know so many things about me,

and none of it's a secret.

Anybody familiar with me

knows I like transgender girls.

That's not new information.

And if it is, well, now you have it.

But it's so funny.

The whole country is, like, trans-crazy,

and we're really obsessed with it,

and it's so funny how

when the new thing happens

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