Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #5

---

or becomes in the lexicon,

you can't joke about it on TV.

I tried to do a Caitlyn Jenner joke,

and the network said,

"Oh, no transition jokes."

I'm like, "It's not even a mean joke."

They're like,

"Yeah, but we just don't like it.

They've been marginalized."

I'm like, "Look, just 'cause

you've been marginalized

doesn't mean that you're removed

from the humor spectrum

like everybody else."

It wasn't even a mean joke. First of all,

the network canceled her reality show.

How shitty is your reality show

when you were on a Wheaties box,

you're now a woman,

you were a Kardashian,

you killed somebody driving,

and the network goes, "It's boring.

There's nothing happening to talk about"?

And I think Hollywood means well.

Their hearts are in the right place.

But it's a little bit phony.

Some of it is just a little bit fake.

You know how they can't talk about Caitlyn

without saying how beautiful she is?

"Have you seen how beautiful Caitlyn is?"

No.

She looks like the gypsy from Thinner.

But it's so funny.

Not one of these freethinking,

progressive celebrities

who always use the right pronoun,

not one of them has admitted to having sex

with a transgender girl,

to watching trans porn,

to being attracted to trans women.

Not one of them. That's being supportive.

Don't tell me what words to use.

You want to support a young lady?

You lift her skirt, you suck her cock.

That's how you say, "I'm with you."

Don't tell me what to joke about until

you've laid in bed with a sore a**hole,

mumbling, "Who am I?"

You ever brush your teeth

and scream "f*ggot" in the mirror

for a half hour?

I have.

And I know why they won't talk about it.

I know why they won't admit it.

'Cause they don't know

if it makes you gay.

"If I have sex with a trans girl,

does that make--"

It does not make you gay

to have sex with a trans girl.

But even if it did, I would tell you.

I wouldn't care.

But I understand

why certain people think it does.

We can't be so pro-trans

or politically correct

that we forget that differing opinions

are gonna pop up.

An open and honest conversation

doesn't mean

that you just shut down somebody

when they say unpleasant sh*t.

I get why some guys think it's gay.

But it's just not. Until you've done it--

Like, when you kiss,

it's a feminine energy.

It's not a masculine energy,

or it wouldn't turn me on.

The breasts are normally fake,

but so what?

Every stripper I ever fell in love with

had fake tits.

That never turned me off. I never

threw a girl out of the Champagne Room.

"Beat it with your augmented bosoms,

madam!"

You know, then the skirt comes up.

All right.

It's a large clitoris.

But what, am I gonna be rude to my guest?

Get over here.

[grunting]

[popping sounds]

Just look at the breasts, that's all.

If you're new to the game,

look at the breasts.

"Oh, I love her so much. I love her."

If it's your first time at the rodeo,

don't look at the feet.

That'll put the whammy on you.

"Oh, no, those feet scored 13 points

in the fourth quarter.

I'm f***ing gay."

[grunting]

And it's funny, too-- I've talked

to a lot of trans girls about--

One girl told me that,

just to feel feminine as a kid,

she used to wear her mother's underwear.

Whew.

That one affected me.

I mean, your mother's underpants.

I don't care what gender you are.

Is there a worse item in the house...

than your mother's underpants?

I wouldn't touch my mother's underpants

if she was hanging off a bridge

by her underpants.

I'd probably just blow her a kiss

and then step on her f***ing fingers.

Did you ever see your mom's panties

on the floor?

You gotta take a stick

and knock them under the dresser.

Can you imagine putting those on?

I'd rather wear my father's used condom

on my nose like an aardvark.

I saw one pair of my mom's panties

when I was a kid.

Thank God they weren't sexy at all.

I feel bad for any kid

that has the hot mom

who all his friends want to f***.

We all had that one friend,

everyone wanted to f*** his mother.

And that's gotta be awful

to find your mom's panties,

and it's just a pair of boy shorts

with a little arrow in the back.

Like, "Ugh.

Oh, no. Mom's a three-holer."

My mom's panties were awful.

They started at the middle of the chest.

They ended right above the knee.

It looked like an androgynous bathing suit

on Boardwalk Empire.

That's what you want your mother--

If you see your mother in her panties,

you want to start thinking,

" Hello, my ragtime gal "

You don't want to think

about your parents sexually at all.

You know your parents f***

because we're all alive,

so we're evidence of it.

But my parents told me,

like, when I asked about it,

they said, "We just made love

because we wanted to create you

and we wanted to create your sister Tracy.

That's the only reason."

So, they made it look like it was purely

something they suffered through

to make me.

That's how all of you look

at your parents.

You don't even want to think

about your mother

kind of drunk on the bed going,

"Come on, hurry up!"

And your father going,

"You're not even wet yet!"

And her going,

"That's my a**hole, stupid!"

And he's not hard.

He's got paintbrush dick.

You don't want to think about your father

with paintbrush dick.

Looks like a snail

trying to break into an aquarium.

You don't want to picture your mother

going, "Hold on.

Hurry up."

I'll give you all a second

to insert your parents into that thought,

like I have to do every time I tell

that f***ing stupid joke.

But it's so funny how we just don't think

of them that way.

And I grew up in a pretty conservative--

I don't know how I turned

into such a monster

growing up in a conservative house.

Did anybody have

kind of open-minded parents

who would talk to you about sex?

Anybody have parents like that?

-[man] Yes.

-Who said "yes"?

You're nodding. How old were you

when your parents talked to you about sex?

-Thirteen.

-Thirteen?

-They broke it to me hard.

-They broke it to you hard?

How'd they break it to you?

They just straight up told me,

"This is how this happens. There you are."

They straight up told you, "This is

how this happens, and there you are."

And when you were 13, you didn't know--

Oh, no, what else did they tell you?

"And we're the ones who put the gifts

under the tree."

Did you ever catch them having sex?

Anybody ever catch your parents?

[woman] Oh, I did.

-There's always a couple.

-I did.

-Who's the woman who said, "I did"?

-I did.

Hello, miss.

-They talked about it to me--

-Hold on, miss.

You're panicking. I feel like--

She's been waiting 30 years

for someone to ask her,

"Did they ever talk to you about it?"

Hold on.

How old were you when you saw them?

[woman] I tried to block it out.

Are you trying to block it--

I'm just asking in general. About how old?

[woman] I don't know.

I would assume, like, ten or so.

About ten.

What were you doing at the time?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes