Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero Page #7

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How hard is it?

...is suspected

of plotting a series

of devastating terror attacks

on America.

He was caught

on surveillance camera

- training for his mission.

- Watch this part, will ya?

This is where the nail

goes right into

your coffin.

A 10-million-dollar reward

is being offered

to anyone with information

that could lead

to his arrest.

10 million dollars?

Vow, that's pretty good.

Meanwhile, congress is

ratifying a declaration of war

against Iran

even as we speak.

Iran has indicated

that should the U.S. launch

a preemptive strike

against the islamic Republic,

they will initiate

a pre-preemptive attack

against the zionist state,

who, in turn,

has vowed to launch a pre-pre-

preemptive attack

- on Iran's closest Ally, Syria.

- It's "Vorld var tree."

exactamundo!

And my business,

my business is gonna

be thriving,

- thanks to you, my man.

- What business?

My business, my business

of manufacturing

predator drones,

all over the place.

Everywhere around here, see?

Predator drones.

And I've manufactured

a drone that could remotely

control another drone

so we don't need

a human being to work it.

You are taking good jobs avay

from innocent Americans?

That's evil.

Evil? It's genius.

I knew that I had to convince

the American people

to go to war if I wanted

to sell my product.

- Yeah, baby.

- That's the American way,

you see?

And I knew that I

had to make you out to be

the world's worst terrorist.

And now I have everything

I need

to justify this war.

Are we clear?

Not exactly.

That was a lot of exposition.

Can you give it to me

in bullet points?

- No.

- Okay, how about cliff notes?

- No.

- Viki-pedia?

Ow! Take it easy.

Mr. Monroe, I'm not sure

what you're saying,

but one thing I do know

is that the American people

are not so estupid

that they vould

go to a var

just because of the actions

of one terrorist.

Funny guy.

I'm here all week.

Tip your waitress.

Oops. Ran out of space.

Leila, what are you

doing here?

I told you this stuff

is dangerous!

- Who the hell is she?

- My sixth cousin.

- Seventh.

- What's she doing here?

- She's recording us.

- Well, then get her.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Get her.

Run, Leila. Run.

Guys?

What about me?

Don't leave me here alone

with the pigeons.

I don't like pigeons.

Nice to meet you, Jimmy

vestvood, at your service.

Nice to... nice--

nice to meet you?

Jimmy vestvood

at your service,

nice to meet you.

Jimmy vestvood,

at your service.

Jimmy... vestvood...

At your service.

Jimmy vestvood...

Jimmy vestvood,

at your service. Ha!

Jimmy! Get in!

Leila!

Go, go, go, go,

go, go, go...

Holy crap.

They're following us.

Oh, ho, ho,

it's magic

you know

never believe

it's not so

it's magic

you know

never believe

it's not so

I love my sunny--

- ow!

- Take it easy.

- No time to take it easy.

Oh, parvaneh joon,

you look super-tacular

tonight.

Okay, take it easy, mehdi.

I am worried about jamshid.

- Have you seen him?

- Just relax.

Try my kabob.

You're gonna love it.

- Oh-hh.

- Okay, okay,

you can try my kabob later.

Let me show you around.

Make up your mind

which way you want to go.

- You want to get away or what?

- I wanna live.

Give me your phone.

Agh!

My face is all over

the news.

I'm "America's

most wanted terrorist."

they're gonna send me to

Guantanamo and waterboard me

and make me listen

to heavy metal music.

- I don't like metallica.

- Stop that.

- Ow! What did you do that for?

- I can't stand self-pity.

This is a free country.

I have the right

to bear arms

- and self-pity myself.

- So you're just gonna

let those war hawks

start world war III?

Well, I mean, you know,

what are my options?

- I don't really have a lot--

- no!

- Then what?

- I don't know,

I'm just your sidekick.

I got it!

- Great. What is it?

- Uh, I forget.

Oh! I remember.

To homayoun's wedding.

Estep on it.

We met at this Halloween

costume party.

We were both dressed as Cher.

It was so funny.

I think this year,

we're gonna do "Thelma

and Louise."

I'm fighting for Thelma,

so we'll see.

Kox news?

This is Jimmy vestvood,

the wanted terrorist

everyone is looking for.

Please tell Mr. Hank shannity

that I want to Grant him

the exclusive interview

of my confessional.

Yes, tell him

to meet me in 15 minutes

at homayoun's vedding.

You don't know homayoun?

Here's the address.

Give me the address.

Check it,

I'm mc I-ran, okay?

When I say "I,"

Y'all say "Ran."

- I...

- Ran!

- I...

- Ran!

Check it, check it--

Dude, I am rapping.

- Jimmy baba, slow down.

- Yeah, man, go with the flow.

I don't have time

for the flow.

Jimmy. Where have you been?

Me and mom were worried

about you.

You missed the ceremony.

Come, come, let's dance.

Leila, do the thing,

do the thing.

Mr. mehdi.

Okay, okay, okay, sir.

- Where is he?

- There he is.

Put that away.

Not here.

Where is he? How the hell

do you tell them apart?

Oh-oh-oh.

I wanna eat you

like a peach.

- It's talking to me.

- You are talkin' to my wife.

I'm sorry.

- Come on, wait, wait, wait.

- What?

- Let's dance.

- We'd rather not.

Amir. Hamid. Shahin.

Look, Americans.

Let's show them.

We're gonna show you.

- I don't dance.

- What's your name?

- My name is j.P., but--

- excellent.

J.C., let's do this.

Aha. Bia. Bia.

Bia. Bia.

We need that video, Jimmy.

Where's your cousin?

Hello, Mr. Karl.

Take it easy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

You're not goin'

anywhere, Jimmy.

Hey, Jimmy, why don't you give

someone else a chance?

- Get out of the circle.

- Yeah, man.

- There's no "I" In circle.

- I can't. I'm stuck.

Jimmy vestvood

is a terrorist?

Jimmy vestvood

is a terrorist!

It's true.

It's on kox news

so it has to be real.

Jimmy vestvood

is a terrorist.

- No-oo!

- No, come on.

And there's

a $10 million reward

- for his capture.

- So? Get him!

- That's ten million bucks.

- Ah-hh! My heart!

Parvaneh, parvaneh!

You okay?

My god, there's

a whole horde of 'em.

Wait a minute,

that's not him.

I think you need

mouth-to-mouth recuperation.

- I don't need mouth-to-mouth.

- Yes, you do.

Four, three...

This is Hank shannity

reporting live

from the epicenter

of a jihadist convention.

- Guys, guys, calm down.

- What the heck...?

Calm down.

I can explain everything.

Zoom in. Zoom in.

- I have something

to confess...

My name is

jamshid fakhredinpour.

"Fuckedherinthepool."

I came to this country

to be an American hero.

Along the vay, I thought

I had to change who I vas

but thanks to the help

of my sixth cousin--

seventh cousin.

I learned that you have

to embrace who you are.

And you don't

have to be American

to be an American hero.

So, I estand

in front of you today

to tell you

that I am a terrorist.

I'm gonna get

an Emmy for this.

If you believe this guy.

What's the one thing

I'm better at than homayoun?

Oh, I can vogue

better than him.

- Vogue...

- Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.

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