Jo Koy: Live from Seattle Page #5

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That's f***ed up. I'm still doing that!

Who the f*** am I?

"Only one guy jerks off in this house.

And since I own it,

take your little dick outside.

This is my lotion."

He's gonna get caught.

Because boys are sloppy with their work.

They're sloppy with their work,

and you know what I'm talking about.

They just...

They don't know what to f***ing do.

Thirteen?

[grunts]

[grunts]

I was the creepiest. When I was 13? Sh*t.

Thirteen... I could eat cereal, jerk off,

watch cartoons and look out for my mom

at the same time.

Just creepy sh*t.

"Aah! Sh*t!"

It's gross.

It's gross, but it's life. This is it.

I'm gonna catch him. F***.

He's gonna be so creepy.

Boys are creepy with their work.

They don't know.

The first times that they do it,

the first 20 times, nothing comes out,

ladies. You do know that, right?

It's just you and your friend at a party.

And then your friend starts to dry-heave

for no reason.

[laughing]

[grunts]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[grunting]

Yeah!

And that's why we get caught.

Because we think that happens every time.

And it's not.

One day, something comes out,

and we don't know what to f***ing do.

It catches us off guard.

We're, like...

[chuckling]

Blam!

"Aah!

No, no, no, no!

Oh, no! Oh, my God!

No, no! No!

Oh, my God!

I'm ready for church!"

You go to church with a come-print

on your chest.

I want every woman to know this right now.

We don't stop.

We don't stop, all right? I didn't stop.

Been doing it since I was a kid.

I got caught by my mom.

My mom caught me. Worst day of my life.

Worst day of my... And I don't like

how quiet it is in this room right now.

I really don't. I don't like how

every guy is looking at me like:

"This is kind of disgusting.

I don't know what he's talking about.

How could he get caught by his mother?"

I want every guy in this room

to know this tonight.

You got caught by your mom, too.

She caught your dumb ass.

She saw it. That's a grown woman.

She knows what her teenage son is doing.

She just never said anything

to your dumb ass.

But she found it. Whatever it was

you were abusing, she found it.

She just didn't tell you about it.

She was cleaning your room.

And she was, like,

"Oh, let me get that plate.

Oh, that's not a plate.

That's a towel."

She just... She didn't say anything to you.

My mom said something to me,

because that's the kind of

f***ing mom I got.

But I thought I was bulletproof.

Sock. Genius. Sock.

Sock, hamper. Sock, hamper.

All week. Sock, hamper.

Sock, hamper.

Two-a-day Friday.

Sock, sock, hamper, hamper.

Then Sunday came around.

My mom walked into my room.

"Stop f***ing your socks.

Are you kidding me right now?

You want me to clean it? F*** you, Joseph.

That's disgusting.

I've been throwing all your socks away.

You have two pair of socks left

for the rest of the year.

You f*** those... no more socks, Joseph.

You're gonna go to school

barefoot like that, huh?

The principal will call me.

'Joseph doesn't have any socks.'

'Yeah, because he keeps f***ing them!'"

We all do it. We all do it.

Every guy in here still does it.

It's creepy. We'll move on from this,

but I just want to keep going.

We've got plenty of time to kill.

Every guy does it, though.

We haven't stopped.

We become better at it.

We don't stop because we're creeps,

ladies.

We're just creepy people.

I don't care how long

you've been with your man...

five years, ten years, five days...

it doesn't matter.

That's his sh*t.

I want every woman to know this:

The creepiest man in this room tonight

is the guy you came with.

I swear to God.

There's no one creepier in this room.

Don't look across the aisle

or up in the balcony.

He's sitting right f***ing next to you.

That guy is a creepy, creepy f***.

Don't give it to him for a couple days.

Watch him just, "Uhh!"

I don't care how good-looking your man is.

When we jerk off, we all look the same.

Creepy. By ourselves.

One shoe on. Always one shoe on.

Look at the toe! Look at the f***ing toe!

Shirt tucked under the chin.

Shirt tucked under the chin.

Did you know that, ladies?

Did you know your man tucks the shirt

under his chin?

You want to know why?

Because he doesn't want

the bottom of the shirt to touch his dick,

because he's still gonna wear that shirt

for the rest of the day.

Creepy f***er's gonna wear

his jerk-off shirt

to the comedy show tonight.

Don't shake anyone's hand in here tonight.

I swear to God,

the diversity in this room is amazing.

I will tell you this right now.

I'm just gonna be honest with you guys.

I'm gonna put it all out there.

No one is more indirectly racist

than Filipino moms.

My sister's about to marry her fianc.

He's dark. He's dark. Darker than you.

My sister got the darkest one.

There's black, and then there's nighttime.

Andre is nighttime.

Andre used to kill it in hide-and-seek

when he was a kid.

Didn't even have to hide.

Just closed his eyes like that.

"Where are you, Andre?"

"Right here, motherfuckers.

I win again."

You should've seen how my mom acted

when she met Andre for the first time.

When he walked into the house,

my mom went like this.

[shudders]

"Put my purse in the room.

Put my purse in the room."

I got so mad at my mom.

I took her to the kitchen.

I was, like, "Mom, are you kidding me?

Just because he's black, you want me

to put your purse in the room?

Are you kidding me right now?"

And then she got mad at me

and made me feel like the racist.

Some Filipino Jedi sh*t.

She just looked at me and goes,

"Oh, just because he's black, Joseph,

and I told you to put my purse

in the room,

you think your mother is a racist?

Wow, Joseph.

Wow.

Wow.

I would do that with any stranger, Joseph.

White, black, Latino, Asian.

I don't care.

If I don't know you,

put my purse in the room.

That's a Louis Vuitton."

I go, "Mom, you know what you did.

Stop right now.

You're making Andre feel

very uncomfortable."

And my mom looked at me and goes,

"I'm not making him feel uncomfortable.

You are. Bringing me into the kitchen

to talk to me.

Are you kidding me right now?

I'm doing everything to make Andre

feel comfortable.

I'm frying chicken,

I put basketball on the TV."

"Out of everything

you could've cooked tonight,

you decided to fry chicken."

"Joseph, they love chicken."

They love...

"They love chicken, Joseph."

Right when I said that,

Andre walked into the kitchen.

He's, like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't know y'all was in the kitchen.

Quick question:
Are y'all frying chicken?"

And my mom goes, "Yes, Andre.

We're... We're frying chicken.

But if you don't like chicken, I can...

I can cook something else, if...

if you don't like chicken."

And Andre was, like,

"Oh, no, no. I love chicken.

I eat it every day."

And then he walked out of the kitchen.

And then my mom looked at me

and went like this:

[whispers]

"I told you."

That's a very racist...

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