Jo Koy: Live from Seattle Page #6

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Right? That's racist. Right, black guy?

That's a racist... You want to hear

the most racist part about that story?

Andre doesn't talk like that.

I gave Andre an '80s black rapper voice

because it's funnier.

If you ever meet Andre,

he talks like this:

"Hello. My name is Andre."

I made him talk... "I love chicken!"

Who the f*** talks like that?

I've never even met a black guy

that talks about chicken like,

[rapping]

"I love chicken, I eat it every day.

I eat that chicken in every kind of way."

[grunts]

She's getting married.

My sister's getting married. Sh*t.

That's good, right?

How long have you guys been together?

[woman] Eighteen years.

Eighteen years? Goddamn.

Eighteen strong years.

You got kids? Two kids?

How old are the kids. Eighteen and what?

Did you watch the baby come out?

Did you watch the baby come out?

You better, man.

You've got to watch that sh*t.

That's why a lot of you guys out there...

If you don't pay your child support,

I want you to start thinking

about what happened that day.

And remember,

that sh*t costs a lot of money.

I give my ex whatever the f*** she wants.

I saw that baby come out.

F*** that sh*t.

And a lot of you women

need to be more graphic with these guys

that ain't paying their child support.

Let them hear. Stop being nice about it.

"Your daughter wants

to take ballet classes.

She needs shoes and some lessons.

Your son wants to play sports.

He needs cleats and some gear."

F*** that. Be graphic.

"Why do I want extra money?

Because those kids ripped my p*ssy apart.

Ripped. Ripped.

Ripped it. Ripped."

It doesn't stay like that.

I don't want you to think it's ripped

and stays like that.

That's the cool thing about the vagina.

It comes back together.

It's f***ing... It's like a Transformer.

It's like Pussimus Prime.

It's like, "Babybots."

[grinding]

"What the f***?!"

I saw that baby come out.

F*** that sh*t.

The vagina is beautiful,

just not that day.

That day, it's its evil twin.

It's not even vagina.

It's called "va-gina."

"I am Va-gina.

I'm delivering a baby.

Push, baby.

Oh, come out of Va-gina.

Push! Oh, here comes the baby!

Oh, here comes the baby!

Oh, baby!"

My son's head was hanging out like this.

And then she coughed,

and he went back in.

I was, like, "Oh, sh*t!

Her p*ssy just ate the baby!"

I just remember my son going, "Dad!"

Dating. Dating, right?

It's rough, right? Sh*t.

Here's the thing about dating.

All you need is just to be secure.

Just be secure and your girl

is gonna f***ing love you.

Stop being insecure.

The minute you're insecure

and start questioning her,

it f***ing turns her off.

Don't question her every time she goes out

with her girlfriends.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going out with my girlfriends.

I told you that already."

"Okay, what time are you gonna be home?"

"I don't know. Maybe later.

I don't know. What the f***?

Seriously? Do I do this sh*t with you

on your f***ing guys' night out?"

"I'm just saying. I just want to know..."

[mumbling]

They hate that sh*t.

Just be secure and let her f***ing go.

That turns a girl on.

Ignore her. She loves that sh*t.

It pisses her off,

and she loves it at the same time.

When you don't call her the whole time.

It even confuses her when she leaves.

"I'm going out with my girls."

"All right, see you."

"But are you gonna ask where..."

"No. Just go with your girls."

"All right. That's crazy."

Don't call her the whole night.

Just ignore her.

She'll be at the club, freaking out.

Just f***ing dancing,

looking at her phone.

"What the f***?"

That sh*t turns her on.

Because guys get mad at girls

when they go out with their girlfriends.

Stop being insecure. F*** it.

If she goes out with her friends,

she goes out with her friends.

And the guys always get mad.

"Yeah, but every time she goes out,

guys buy her drinks,

and then she f***ing takes them."

No sh*t! They're free, a**hole.

Wouldn't you take a goddamn drink

for free?

If a girl walked up to you...

"Hey, I'd like to buy you a drink,"

you'd be, like, "What the f***?

Can you buy my friends some?"

And if a guy is buying

your chick at the club a drink,

that means she's one of

the hottest chicks in the f***ing club.

So you should proud of that sh*t.

And don't get mad at her

for getting free drinks.

That's her hustle. She's hot,

and she's getting free drinks

from a dude at a club.

You don't have to worry about it

because she has your back.

Every girl that has a man

and she's at a club

has her dude's back.

Swear to God.

And you know what I'm talking about.

She'll keep getting those drinks for free.

She'll get them, as many as she can.

"I'm gonna drink free all night."

And then, when that question comes:

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, he's at home.

His name's John. He's black. Bye!

Bye. Bye! Thank you!"

Because that's what women do.

They get your back,

and you know what I'm talking about.

Every guy's bought drinks for a girl

that had a guy, and you know it.

They drop it on you at the last second

because that's what women do.

So, don't get mad at your girl

when she goes out with these guys.

Let them go. Let them have

as many drinks as they want.

Let them f***ing get tore the f*** up.

As many drinks. Let her get them.

As many drinks.

"Thank you. Thank you."

All f***ing night.

She's gonna get f***ed up.

And then she's gonna come home drunk,

and then she's gonna want

to suck your dick...

on his tab!

"What the f***?

This blowj*b is free?!"

Stop being insecure. Let them go.

In fact, when your girl goes out,

you go out.

Don't stay at home. Go get f***ed up, too.

That's the best sex you'll ever have.

You both ignore each other all night,

you both get f***ed up

with your own friends,

and then you both come home

drunk as sh*t.

That's the funniest sh*t.

And the guy's always the first one home.

"Babe!

Babe!"

Nobody's home.

Then, all of a sudden, she walks

through the door, drunk as sh*t.

[chuckles]

"Hi, baby."

She's limping because she has one heel on.

"Hi, baby."

"Hi, babe.

Hi, babe."

"Hi, baby.

Why didn't you text me all night?"

"I didn't know where my phone was."

It's a f***ing square right here.

That turns her on.

"Your phone is right there, you stupid.

Your phone's right there, stupid.

I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

They're drunk and horny.

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you.

I swear to God.

I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

And then he's, like,

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

Then you guys walk towards each other,

about to f*** each other,

but it's not even cute.

It just looks like two zombies

about to f*** each other.

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

"I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out of you."

The woman always gets

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