Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Page #8

what they call, "puddle jumper."

It was adorable.

How is the gay community here?

That I really don't know.

Oh, see.

Ask your cousin.

Ask your wife's brother.

- Is this the most

remote place?

No-oh, no.

- Well, where is

the most remote place

you've ever played?

- The most remote place

I've ever played

was Reykjavik, Iceland.

I've played them all.

Juneau.

Oh, are they wrong.

That was called the Texas Motel.

They are so off.

Some places, as you know,

are better than others.

This would not be

my first choice of dcor.

The audience is going to be

very born-again,

I have a feeling,

very fundamentalist.

They're going to get

very shaken up.

Get the check.

Yeah, right.

Whatever I do on stage...

Are they gonna clean

the stage a little bit?

Because I kind of roll around

on it and stuff.

It's a little...

Ick.

There's gum.

Aren't you the makeup person?

You win the award,

that showed up with no makeup.

Don't you have your makeup?

Aren't you the makeup girl?

She's the makeup girl,

and she didn't bring makeup.

"May."

Good month.

Of next year.

May of next year.

You leave New York,

you leave L.A.,

you leave the world.

But that's what

makes it charming.

First of all, where are-

where are we?

What the hell is going-

I was out in the casino.

A guy put a quarter in,

fish came out.

Uh, well, never mind Viagra.

What about Cialis?

a man has an erection?

An 85-year-old man

for 36 hours?

That's devil's work.

And on these poor,

old, dried-out old wives?

And these guys on top of them,

in and out, in and out,

in and out.

They're going to set them

on fire.

It's-yes.

Ugh, I hate children.

The only child that I think

I would have liked ever

was Helen Keller

because she didn't talk.

It is just...

Not very funny.

Yes, it is.

And if you don't, then leave!

- It's not very funny

if you have a deaf son.

- I happen to have

a deaf mother.

Oh, you stupid ass.

Let me tell you

what comedy is about.

- You go ahead and tell me

what comedy's about.

- Oh, please.

You are so stupid.

Comedy is to make everybody

laugh at everything

and deal with things,

you idiot.

My mother is deaf,

you stupid son of a b*tch.

Don't tell me.

And just in case

you can hear me in the hallway,

I lived for nine years

with a man with one leg.

Okay, you a**hole?

And we're going to talk about

what it's like

to have a man with one leg

who lost it in World War II

and never went back to get it,

because that's

f***ing littering.

So don't you tell me

what's funny.

Comedy is to make us laugh.

If we didn't laugh,

where the hell would we all be?

Think about that.

Where the hell would we all be?

How can you not find Osama?

There is one-

there is one outlet.

He's on dialysis.

There is one outlet

in all of Afghanistan.

Find the plug...

And follow the cord.

Well, okay.

How about that?

"I have a-

a deaf son!"

Oh, what a good way to build.

That was

a very difficult moment.

It throws you terribly,

because you know

the audience is so nervous

and so scared to laugh.

Your mind is going

a mile a minute.

"Where am I going to go?

What am I going to do?

Where am I going to take them?"

So there are two things

going on,

your mouth and your head.

Luckily, I was able

to get them back.

- Thank you.

You are so-

I've never laughed so hard

in my life!

- Oh, you were

a good laugher,

and that makes

such a difference.

- Oh, I know,

and that-that rotten guy.

I'm sorry for him.

- I was ready to get up

and say-and tell him to leave.

He has a deaf son.

- I know, but he's got

to realize that this is comedy.

- Comedy.

- Right.

- I felt terribly sorry

for the man with the deaf son,

and of course he's angry.

Of course he's angry.

I get that, but don't ruin

the whole act.

But maybe it got it out of him,

and maybe it's good

what happened to him too.

He had kind of a catharsis.

And you're driving us?

- Yep.

- Have you been drinking?

- No, ma'am.

- Have you been drugging?

- No.

Have you been whoring?

I may have been.

Okay, well, that's good.

Then you'll be relaxed.

You ought to just head

for New York

and just get me home.

There's nothing like

your own bed.

Nothing like your own bed.

They called my agent.

They wanted to get

William Shatner.

He said no.

They wanted to get

George Hamilton.

He said no.

So I said,

"A woman should do it.

And I'll do it."

Extend.

Extend, which is,

you take a pill,

and the man's penis

just grows, grows.

Not penile enlargement,

just, "Oh, look,

who's a big boy now!"

- Joan will turn

nothing down at all.

Nothing.

- And she hears

the clock ticking

every minute of every hour

of every day.

- I'm going to Palm Springs

for-what is this for?

Do you know what this is for?

The Betty Ford Clinic.

- This is

for the Betty Ford Clinic,

so they'll be very serious

about drugs.

All right, well, uh,

Are they lining you up

like Nazis?

All right.

That's all right.

Okay.

"Sorry, b*tch.

"I'm not Carol Channing,

but this will have to do.

Much love, Joan Rivers."

Thank you.

I have Ss, sibilant Ss.

Ss, ss.

Even a little more.

If you take out the top

or the bottom,

that usually works pretty well.

- This is the early Joan,

and this is me.

"Oh, darling.

Can we talk?

Oh, does this tampon

make me look fat?"

- We're going to go

straight down this hallway.

- I'll follow you.

- Okay.

- I love that the nails

match the dress.

I think that's so fabulous.

Thank you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Be careful.

Be careful; it's wet.

Victoria Beckham,

"Uch, uch, does the tampon

make me look fat?"

I can't stand her.

Okay.

Up we go.

And we're going

to Minneapolis, right?

Yes. It's cold there.

- All right.

And thank you.

You were terrific.

Pleasure meeting you.

Thank you.

Hello.

I don't care

if it's God himself.

No one is to call my room

until 6:
30.

Okay.

- Save your money

when you're younger,

that you don't have to whore

yourself out when you're old.

To be roasted,

Comedy Central.

Oh, God.

- I know, but the money

is extraordinary.

I am so depressed.

I can't even go there

with you now.

This-this is the cherry

on the cake.

Mohammed, could you stop

for a moment

so I can get out

in front of the car?

And could you just run me over?

End it now, Mohammed.

It can't be...

Oh, do you know the jokes?

Every joke is going to be

plastic surgery or old.

It comes back at you,

doesn't it?

Yep.

God.

- Miss Rivers

to the set, please.

- Slate here.

Stand by.

And action.

This tastes like urine!

You crazy f***ing b*tch.

The crew loves me.

They keep telling you

it's an honor.

I'm telling you that if

I had invested wisely,

I wouldn't be doing this.

- By the way, did you know

that I have never done

a roast in my life?

It's so disgusting.

They're not disgusting.

It is an honor.

I'm telling you.

No, don't make that face.

But the money is very good.

- The money is good,

which is an honor.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes