Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Page #9

I mean, I'm an artist,

and I'm doing it

for the art like you are.

Yes, precisely.

- Couple of artists,

with easels,

sitting around,

collecting our money.

- Joan will cross to her seat,

all right,

in, let's say,

three, two, one, go.

Talk about lucky!

Brad and Angelina

are having a sale!

Look at them!

Go on down now.

Auntie Joanie's busy.

F***. Sh-

Okay, no, no, don't go yet.

We're just-and this is-

At this point,

that's when you would go.

- Could somebody

help me here, please?

No, no, really.

Don't bother.

- You know, if everybody's

giving you a standing ovation,

that joke probably

won't read that well.

- I beg you.

It will read.

I will wait until

the standing ovation is over.

I will get up here-

- They will not sit down

till you sit down.

- Well, then, they're going

to stand until I sit.

I'm pleading with you,

don't knock every joke,

or it's not going to be funny.

I'm begging you.

I'm pleading with you.

I will thank them,

and then I will either

sit down and miss the chair.

I will do something funny,

because I am a funny person.

Hello, hello, hello!

We are here

to celebrate the career

of a groundbreaking comedian

and a legendary b*tch.

- How much worse

could your real face look

than that clown mask you've had

welded onto your head?

- Look at her.

She's a cougar.

Freddie Cougar.

- Joan's face has been lifted

so many times

that when she sneezes,

she has to blow her clit.

I get mad at myself.

I think, at this age,

you've been doing it

since 1966,

and you shouldn't let them

upset you anymore,

but they do.

I did the Comedy Central roast,

okay?

And, uh, yeah, which was great,

which was great.

I- I was-they-they-

they said such mean,

disgusting, filthy-

they called me a whore

and a c*nt

and a this and a that.

I kept thinking,

"How do they know me?"

It is just...

Oh, oh, sure.

Turn against the queen.

It's like Marie Antoinette.

Yeah, like you're going to do

better with Kathy Griffin.

F*** you.

It is just...

when she lasts 45 years,

then go stand on my grave.

Just kidding.

I love Kathy.

Where's Billy these days?

I have no idea.

He's no longer

really part of my career.

He can't be.

You spend too much energy

looking for Billy

and too many phone calls

coming in from people

that haven't heard from Billy,

and, uh, can't deal with it.

- You know it's bad when people

say something to me.

You know what I'm talking about?

I run into people,

and they're like,

"Oh, we were trying

to reach Billy,

and he never called us back."

I'm like, "I don't know

what to tell you."

- Yeah, but let us know.

Yeah, just say, "Call Jocelyn."

Yeah.

- Billy, unfortunately,

is no longer part of my team.

I sent him an email saying

we're no longer

in business together.

He just can't be counted on,

and it's killing me.

I'll tell you why

it really upset me.

Billy is one of the last links

that I can say,

"Do you remember?"

And I had to cut that off,

and I think that's-

it's not the business.

That's where l-

I cannot tell you

I will never not miss Billy.

He was there

when Melissa was born.

He was there

for Edgar's funeral, you know?

He's a link.

I have no one to say,

"Do you remember when

Bernie Brillstein gave his party

and Edgar was the only one

that came in black tie?"

I know it sounds-

he was my last memory bank,

and I have no one-no one-

to say that to now.

And that is very difficult

for me.

Tonight is the live finale

of Celebrity Apprentice,

and it is between me

and Annie Duke.

If I win, I'm back.

I'm back

in spite of being a woman,

in spite of being 75,

and in spite of being

blackballed from NBC.

I'm back, you bastards.

- And it's been a tremendous,

tremendous season.

Annie, do you know

what I'm going to say?

No, I have no idea.

I'm going to say, Annie...

you're fired.

- It's great.

This has been wonderful.

It's great.

It's terrific.

Ah.

Here we go.

But it's just

Celebrity Apprentice.

I mean, it's not

the Academy Awards,

but it was wonderful.

And I'm very happy I won.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Now, I've always said,

you can't get hit by lightning

if you're not standing

out in the rain.

Nobody can stand in the rain

longer than Joan Rivers.

She will stay there.

She's the last person standing.

She'll let it rain.

She'll let it rain.

She'll let it rain,

because she knows

lightning can hit, 'cause

it's hit her more than once.

But she knows you have to stay

out in the rain.

And she did.

Line two.

- Line two.

Okay.

Hello, my sweetheart.

Yeah.

All right, so tell me.

Tell me yes or no;

just tell me fair.

Aah!

That's fabulous!

Are you-oh!

Jocelyn!

We were picked up!

- No way.

- Yeah, we got it.

- Awesome!

- All right, all right.

- You know what the real

pinnacle in a comedy career is?

It's not an Oscar.

It's not one thing.

It's the fact

that you're still doing it.

That's really what's

so rock star about her.

She's really the master

of sticking in there.

Wait, wait.

Let's talk about what

this is gonna entail.

It's a photo shoot

for The New York Times?

- I could do it

Monday afternoon

if they want.

I'm still in town.

Right now, everything

is absolutely wonderful.

I am the golden girl.

But I have been here before,

and I know,

nothing is yours permanently,

and you'd better enjoy it

while it's happening.

So... next week, Monday:

Regis and Kelly,

book signing, and QVC.

Tuesday.; WOR, Rachael Ray,

Howard Stern, Cutting Room.

Wednesday.; Florida,

breakfast lecture,

do an afternoon book signing,

back to Miami,

perform two shows.

Thursday.; L.A.,

The Doctors, radio show,

red-eyeing home, QVC,

corporate booking,

then back to Cutting Room.

Okay, I'm fine.

Is that locked?

Get him out of the picture.

It's me alone.

It's an "artist alone" shot.

I'm grabbing you, Mohammed.

Thank you.

I am opening for Don Rickles,

and when they say opening,

what it is, is,

he and I split the money.

And years ago when we started,

I said "Well, I'll open,

'cause that means

I get out earlier,"

and he's still pissed

about it.

The theater is wonderful here,

It's a Vegas-sized theater.

It's 1,800 or 2,000.

- No, it's 4,000.

Yeah.

It's a 4,000-person theater.

I'm nervous.

- But I go way back with Joan

when she was in Vegas

and she was

a struggling comedian.

And we got to know each other.

She's done an outstanding job

with her career.

I mean that.

She has outstanding timing,

and she takes her work

very seriously.

And if I didn't marry

my Barbara,

I would have married Joan,

and with that remark...

Aah, gaah.

God.

Oh, God.

I was kidding around!

Oh, God, why?

- Don Rickles is

in his late 80s,

and he is still hilarious.

He's like George Burns,

who was amazing

until he was in his late 90s,

and Phyllis Diller.

Until she was 92,

she just laid it down.

And I'd like to beat them all,

and I think I will.

That's what's so sick.

I think I will.

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