Joe Rogan: Triggered Page #4

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We maybe should colonize Mars

'cause California's almost out of water."

Then he'll nod, like, "Yeah, b*tch."

We're right next to the ocean.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Look at all that water.

You fly over it, it takes a day.

The world's blue.

It's more water than it is not water.

We have a salt problem.

We don't have a water problem.

Suck the salt out of the water,

we got a goddamn party.

Instead of pissing and moaning...

"Too complicated, bro.

We gotta go to Neptune."

Oh, my God! You're f***ing crazy.

We're a crazy race filled

with crazy people.

We're like a dude with a dirty house.

Like, "Man, I gotta build a new house."

No, you gotta stop shitting

in your kitchen.

Stop piling up newspapers

you're never gonna read

in front of your bathroom, you f***!

We're crazy!

One-way trip to Mars.

A one-way trip in coach

with three other people so f***ing stupid,

they're willing to die on Mars with you.

Great. What great conversation

you're gonna have.

It's nonsense, folks.

My friend was like,

"They're not gonna die on Mars, man.

If people are smart enough

to figure out how to get to Mars,

they're smart enough

to figure out how to get back."

Here's why that doesn't make any sense.

People smart enough to get to Mars

aren't going.

See, that's the dirty secret

about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen.

Nobody smart enough to make a rocket

ever gets in one of those f***ing things.

No. No, they look at each other

right before the launch and they go...

They talk German and they

get behind giant f***ing concrete bunkers.

They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude

from the middle of the country,

tuck a Bible under that dude's arm

and strap him into that giant metal dick,

and shoot it off into the heavens.

That's what we do.

And that is what that is.

That is a metal dick.

It's a robot dick,

and we're trying to f*** the sky.

We are literally trying to come people out

of the tip of a metal dick

onto other planets.

Our ultimate goal

is that we get those planets pregnant,

and they're too filled up with people,

and then they gotta make a new metal dick.

"Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter."

Then they make another one.

They shoot that f***ing thing,

and they fill Jupiter up.

We just keep filling the cosmos up

with people.

And we never evolve.

And we never change.

We stay perfect, like we are right now.

Who's in?

You're gonna all come with me.

We're gonna leave here right now

and go to the Church of Scientology

right down the street,

and it's all gonna make sense

when you find out

that you are an eternal being that created

reality so that you can enjoy it.

I watched that HBO documentary

a couple too many times.

I went Clear, I think. I think I'm Clear.

I'm back! I'm back now.

If you haven't seen...

I had to watch Going Clear,

a Scientology documentary,

'cause I have a neighbor

who's a Scientologist,

and I don't even think he's gay.

I don't know what the f***'s going on.

But he sleeps really close to me,

you know.

Like, my bed's here, this f***ing dude's

bed's, like, over there. His house is...

I mean, if you take away the walls,

he's f***ing right there.

It's like,

"What does this crazy f*** believe?"

And Scientology is a wonderful religion.

Not just because it was written

by a science fiction author

who wrote more fake sh*t

than anyone that's ever walked

the face of the Earth.

And not by a small amount.

This dude never made a second draft

in his f***ing life.

Everything was one draft of nonsense.

And he wrote more of it than anybody.

Not in his neighborhood, not in his state,

not in a year, not in a decade.

More than anyone that's ever lived, ever.

And Scientology is still like,

"I don't see any red flags.

I think we're good.

I think this is legit as f***."

If Scientology is a good religion,

it's because other religions

get to make fun of 'em.

It's like it's the one religion

that even the Mormons are like,

"B*tch, you believe what?

Hold on. I mean, at least

we don't have video of Joseph Smith.

There's some f***ing shitty

black and white footage

of L. Ron Hubbard

with a captain's outfit on.

You wanna explain that?

Why does he have all those awards on?

Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal

the size of a dinner plate?

What the f*** is going on

with you people?"

I watched it with my mom,

and it was like...

First of all, Scientology,

they don't pay taxes.

That's disturbing. They're tax-free,

which means they're a recognized religion

by the government of the United States.

Which means the government

of the United States

had to go over what they believe

and went, "Everything seems in order.

None of this sh*t seems like a cult."

Well, what the f*** is a cult,

and what's a religion?

So I had to look it up.

Turns out... I don't know who wrote this,

but it's a perfect definition.

A cult is bullshit.

It's created by one person.

That person knows it's bullshit.

In a religion, that dude's dead.

So it's a religion

'cause L. Ron Hubbard's dead.

So I guess they got it on a loophole.

I watched it with my mom,

and my mom was like, "I can't believe

anybody would fall for that."

"You made me go to Catholic school.

The f*** are you talking about?

There was a child molester dressed like

a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne,

and you made me call him Father.

Slow your roll, lady."

Imagine if I talked to my mom like that.

Oh, my God.

Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

I don't have a problem

with people being religious

because I just think life itself

is too open-ended.

It's too confusing.

And I think we're evolving.

And part of our struggle in evolving

is unanswered questions.

We wanna seek these answers.

But in the meanwhile,

they just give you so much anxiety,

and it fucks with you so much.

There's nothing wrong with joining a cult.

I think you gotta just join

a nice, friendly one.

Like, the Mormons are a good cult.

Here's why.

They don't get mad at anybody.

Like, they never kill anybody.

Like, here's a perfect example.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker,

the guys who created South Park,

they made a hilarious musical called

The Book of Mormon.

It's fantastic.

If you haven't seen it,

it's so f***ing hilarious.

But it's also brutal!

Brutal about the Mormons.

You know what the Mormons did?

They went to see it, and they took out

a full-page ad in the playbill.

It said, "If you enjoyed this musical

and you wanna find out more

about being a Mormon,

please visit our website."

They just took it right on the chin

like champs.

They didn't get mad.

They didn't get defensive.

They didn't kill anybody.

That's a good cult.

They just said, "What do you wanna do?"

"We got nine wives. Shut the f*** up!"

"Everybody just...

Everybody, just chill. Just chill."

That's a good religion.

That's a good cult.

Some cults aren't that good.

They get f***ing testy. You know the one.

We don't have to say who.

You know what I'm talking about.

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