Joe Rogan: Triggered Page #5

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There's that one that will kill you

if you draw their guy.

"Come on, man.

I can't even draw your dude?

What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?"

"No loopholes!"

"F***in' relax, bro."

And this isn't just theoretical.

People have died

'cause they made cartoons.

Before the most recent Paris attacks,

there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo,

and they were attacked,

where 11 cartoonists were killed.

Eleven more were wounded,

and they killed a cop, too.

F***ing crazy! Over cartoons!

And when you...

When there's radical, crazy people

in the world,

what's interesting is the reaction

to radical, crazy people

and how everything just sort of

kind of balances itself out

when things get weird.

Because when these people

got killed over a cartoon,

the whole world was in shock.

The whole world was outraged.

But one of the scariest things about it

was nobody wanted to print those pictures.

You couldn't see 'em in the LA Times.

You couldn't find them in Time magazine.

You had to go online and find them.

It was a dark moment for free speech,

because everybody's like,

"Oh. I don't wanna get killed.

I don't wanna show the pictures."

It was weird, until... the balance.

Because after they got killed

and nobody wanted to print the pictures,

word got back to Texas...

where they promptly held a "Draw Muhammad"

contest in Garland, Texas.

I'm not making a word of this up.

You can Google it, and I'll wait.

They had a "Draw Muhammad" contest

in Garland, Texas.

Two dudes showed up,

started shooting at the building.

They were killed almost instantly.

Why?

Because they were

at a "Draw Muhammad" contest in Texas.

How obvious does a trap have to be

before you start getting suspicious?

What, are you livin'

in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherf***er?

You ever go to Texas?

That's not Santa Monica, b*tch.

That's a totally different kind

of white people.

Those are some Wild West people

that have computers and modern guns.

They're not supposed to be there.

People didn't evolve in Texas.

It's not like they were monkeys,

then they became people

and they stayed in that spot. No.

No, they landed on boats

on the East Coast.

The stubborn ones stayed.

The smart ones made it to California.

But along the way,

we lost a bunch of people.

And some of them just stuck around.

"Y'all go ahead.

We're gonna hang back here.

I'm gonna draw the biggest dick

the world's ever seen in the sand.

My wife's got the biggest titties.

I'mma try to f*** a snake.

I think it can be done."

They just stayed.

They just gathered cattle,

stockpiled ammo.

And they all talk alike.

And that's why you gotta be nervous.

You gotta be nervous

in places with accents, okay?

It's one of the reasons why I can prove

that California is the best spot to live.

'Cause all the spots that suck,

they all have to sound like each other.

'Cause I grew up in a place like that.

I grew up in Boston.

It's not that the people in Boston suck,

but the weather sucks.

It's f***ing horrible.

And in the winter everybody gets

in their car in the morning,

and just goes,

"F***, f***, f***, f***, f***!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***!"

And everybody's worried about...

It's a real possibility

you might starve to death one day.

You might freeze trying to walk home.

So they all talk in the same way.

"Oh, my God.

How many more months till summer?

Ahhh!

When is this f***ing winter gonna be over?

We need more firewood."

They have to sound

like the people around them.

So if other people invade, like,

"We stick together.

We're all in this together."

That's how they are in Texas, too.

They're like,

"Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"

They have a f***ing certain way

of talking.

Which is proof positive why California

is the best spot.

Try making fun of a California accent.

What are you gonna do?

Speak clear and concise?

What are you gonna do?

You gonna mock us?

You're gonna say some sh*t

that everybody understands?

They're not supposed to be

in Texas, folks.

It's not even a state.

It's a republic.

They were like, "Man, we ain't so sure

about this whole United States thing.

We're gonna hang back.

Hang back, see how this plays out."

They don't have any rules. They have

like three pages of rule books.

Here's how I know this.

I'm gonna tell you a fact,

a fact about Texas that will change

the way you think about Texas.

There are more tigers

in captivity in Texas,

in private collections,

than there are in all of the wild

of the world.

I'm gonna repeat it

because I know you're like,

"Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making

sh*t up to make his jokes work."

No. There's more tigers

in dudes' yards in Texas

than the rest of the f***ing planet!

How is that possible?

Because they can.

Because they went through the rule book...

"It don't say sh*t about tigers.

Order it up, dude.

Order it up, dude!"

One guy got a tiger,

and his neighbor's like,

"Sh*t, I didn't know we could get tigers."

And he got two tigers.

And the first guy was like, "I ain't about

to let this f*ggot out-tiger me."

And he opened up Tiger World

with his oil money.

We're gonna need those people, folks,

if the Russians invade.

We can't make f***ing warrior babies

with those chicks in Marin County

with fake asses and rubber lips, okay?

We're gonna need some real warrior genes.

We're gonna need some women

who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes.

They got cowboy boots

with no socks and stinky feet.

And they yell out,

"Chris Kyle, rest in peace,"

when you make 'em come.

We need those women!

If the Russians come, we gotta be ready.

Think about the children.

Think about the children

while I get a sip.

This is super important,

ladies and gentlemen.

A lot of people are sleeping on...

Imagine if I had real points.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I love you f***ers, too, man.

So excited to be here.

I have kids and I lie to them.

I get high around 'em, too.

People say you shouldn't do that,

but they don't see it.

They say you shouldn't be intoxicated

around your children.

Well, I'm not. I'm high.

I call it "elevated." It's a different thing.

The people who have a problem with that,

they don't understand

what getting high is.

Like, they think you're gonna be

to your kid, like, "Who are you?"

What do you think?

What's the worst thing that can happen

if I'm a little high around my kid?

They're gonna get extra hugs,

and daddy's going to be

paranoid about objects.

"Look out.

Don't go there."

That's it.

Plus, I have cool conversations.

I have a six-year-old daughter, man.

There's not a lot of 48-year-old man

and 6-year-old girl have in common,

other than the fact she's my daughter.

And so, our conversations

are normally pretty boring.

But when I'm high, I'm like, "You know,

you call that thing your baby, your doll.

You call it your baby,

but you know it's not a baby, right?"

"Yeah, I know it's not a baby."

"Do you call it a baby

because you're the youngest

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