Joe Rogan: Triggered Page #6

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and you like having someone

who is responsible for you?"

"Maybe."

"Okay. That's cool. That's cool.

Give me a hug. I love you."

It's weird, man.

It's weird raising little people.

There's some things that I didn't expect.

One of the things I didn't expect

is you have to lie to them.

Like, you don't have to lie to them

about a lot of things,

but you have to lie to them

about Santa Claus.

It's just one of those things, man,

'cause it's like a community.

You have to think about what your kid's

gonna tell other kids.

Because when it comes to Santa Claus,

you don't want your kid

to be one of two things.

You don't want your kid

to be the first kid

that tells everyone

that Santa Claus is bullshit,

'cause that kid's an a**hole.

But you don't want your kid

to be the last kid

that figures out

that Santa Claus is bullshit,

'cause that kid's a moron.

So you got... You got a little bit of...

You're like, "Oh, no.

When do we do this?

When do we do this?"

And no one knows when to do it.

You just let the kids figure it out.

Then they're like, "Dad, what the f***?"

You're like, "Aw...

Oh, I missed the boat.

I missed the boat."

Nobody knows when to do it.

Nobody can be honest about it.

They have little meetings and sh*t.

And I'm like, "When do we tell 'em?"

This lady goes, "When they're 11."

They're gonna be f***ing by then.

I told her it was funny.

She didn't believe me.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm off by a year."

That's not as funny, but it's...

I didn't mean it.

But it's this thing.

They want to keep the kids in the dark.

And they wanna pretend they're

the only one that's teaching the kid.

This is a weird thing that people do.

They're like, "I teach my kids, man.

I teach my kids."

"Eh... when you see 'em."

But unless you're some freak who

homeschools your children in the forest,

your kid's gonna go to school.

They're gonna go to school, and they're

gonna be in a class with 50 other kids.

The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year,

and she's thinking about dick.

That's all she's thinking about.

She's thinking about getting stuffed.

She's a young, fertile woman

who loves kids.

And she's writing on that chalkboard.

And the kids all huddle up

and share information.

Like, "Yeah, what did your dad tell you?

Your dad tell you that, yeah?

My dad says Santa Claus

is f***ing bullshit, okay?

You ever go near a chimney?

It's that big. What the f***?

Teacher's coming. Play with blocks.

Act stupid.

Uh, how does this work?"

They play dumb. They play dumb!

They're like little prisoners,

trying to figure their way out.

They make little papier-mch heads

and pretend they're napping.

They're little humans.

They wanna run sh*t.

"Who is these people

telling us what to do?

Are they being straight with us, man?

What the f*** is going on?"

I knew the day my daughter knew

that Santa Claus is bullshit.

She came home, stared me down.

She was, like, mad-dogging me.

She took her book bag,

and just goes...

Walked right up to the chimney,

looking at me.

"How the f***?"

"Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?"

"No, honey, I've never met him."

"But you let him in the house?"

And there's this moment...

It was a moment where a seven-year-old

has you at checkmate.

You're like, "Oh, sh*t."

I don't know whether to high-five her

or to keep lying.

You wanna go, "Yeah, you got me.

You got me. You got me. That's bullshit.

No, the big bang is real,

but this is bullshit."

The big bang sounds even less real.

The problem is, you have to be consistent.

If you're teaching your kids nonsense,

you gotta teach 'em only nonsense.

You can't mix nonsense

in with, like, real stuff.

Like, my daughter will go like,

"How do birds fly?"

I go, "Birds have bones that are hollow,

so they're really light.

Then they have feathers,

which cover a large surface area.

And they use the hollow bones

and the feathers

to push down on the air.

See, the air looks

like it's nothing, right?

But it's actually a bunch of gases.

That's why the trees move

when the wind blows.

The birds can manipulate that

and go through 3-D space."

"Whoa!"

"Yeah, nature is crazy."

"Yeah.

How does the fat man

get through the little hole?"

"Magic!

Christmas magic!

Now go to bed.

I'm trying to f*** your mom!

Go to bed!"

Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

Can't talk like that.

That's how you make strippers.

You gotta be nice.

They're little, tiny people.

They're adorable.

They don't know anything yet.

You gotta teach 'em everything.

You can't talk mean.

Kids are a lot like

really f***ing stupid people...

in that if you get

ten really stupid people in a room,

the most confident one

just starts running sh*t.

They don't have to have

any more information,

they just have to be more confident.

If you get a bunch of dummies together,

they're like,

"I don't know what's going on."

"I don't know what's going on."

"I f***ing do. I f***ing do."

The guy doesn't have to have

any extra data,

he just has to be

the only one that's confident.

And that's what it's like in school.

My daughter's class

has this f***ing kid named Debbie.

And every day it's, "Debbie says..."

Oh, f***ing Debbie says.

Debbie says what?

You don't think about that

before you have kids.

Not only are you gonna have kids,

but your kids are gonna make friends,

and then you have to make friends

with the f***ing parents of your kids.

And some of 'em are crazy.

My daughter's like, "Debbie says

Adam and Eve

are the only two people in the world,

and all people came from them.

Is that true?"

And this is weird.

Like, you don't know what to do, right?

You want to be diplomatic.

You don't want

to cause problems at school.

But you gotta be honest.

And one of the most difficult things

to say to a kid is, "I don't know."

I'm like, "Sweetie, I don't know.

I don't know if Adam and Eve

is where people came from.

But nobody knows,

because no one from today

is alive back then.

So it's not something you can measure.

So it's not something you can see.

So we don't know.

But here's what we do know.

You know how some people have big ears

and some people have little ears?"

"Yeah."

"Well, some people have brains

that are made out of dog sh*t.

And they get horny, too.

And what happens is,

they have to find someone

even dumber than them to have sex with.

It's like the opposite of evolution.

And then they have a kid,

and their kid is f***ed.

Their kid is f***ed!

And everybody wants to pretend

it's a level playing field.

There's no level, anywhere you look.

Is an eagle and a salmon level?

Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle?

No. The universe does not want even!

It wants conflict and resolution

and constant improvement. Okay?

I'm gonna shut this light out,

and I'm gonna go f*** your mom

right in the mouth. All right?"

I don't say these things.

I don't say any of these things!

I was like, "I don't know.

Maybe Debbie's right.

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