John Tucker Must Die Page #3

I do some part-time

male modeling,

- Really?

- Yeah,

I didn't know that,

-Can I have a sip?

- Yeah,

I know that guy!

Um...

What?! No, I...

I don't have that,

Holly... I-I-I

don't have that!

God, ooh,

Don't touch me,

- Don't touch me, Don't touch me,

- Holly, wait!

Holly!

That's him!

What? No, that's not real,

I only model

as a guy with herpes,

Goin' to the free clinic, Tuck?

Rule #1 in warfare;

Never underestimate

your opponent,

Oh, I love you, Tucker!

I don't personally suffer

from an STD...

but one in five young adults do,

And I am proud to give my voice

to the silent,

That's right, baby!

- Thanks!

Okay, it should've worked,

I mean,

are we missing something?

- I am, My social life,

- Hey!

Hey, Ms, Spencer,

''Lori,'' please,

So, what are you girls up to?

- Destroying a man,

- Ooh, who do I make my check out to?

He's totally indestructible,

We give him herpes,

they give him an award,

Fake herpes, Mom, N...

It was a whole reputation thing,

It's a long story,

Sure, Yeah, the old ''fake herpes,

reputation...'' thing,

You know, um...

I can unpack the groceries

if you've got... stuff,

I get it, All right,

Play nice, girls, Hmm,

Okay, your mom is so hot!

She does Yogalates,

Carrie, what are you

always typing on there?

Oh, lists...

normal stuff, same as everyone,

I have my ''To Do'' list,

my ''Goals'' list...

my ''Contingency'' list,

my ''Observations''...

my ''Notions,'' which, of course,

are very different...

because ''Observations'' require

a topic sentence...

and ''Notions'' do not,

Normal stuff,

Right, Normal,

Totally,

Well, at least

I'm not medicated,

Excuse me, This is an

all-natural beauty supplement,

What are you taking?

Estrogen? Heather!

They torture innocent

horses for this,

It's made from their pee,

Peeing isn't torture,

Menopause is,

I steal it from my mom,

Guys take steroids to get pecs,

I just wanna go up a cup size,

I don't think

it works like that,

It stops your natural

hormone production,

Yeah, and when you run out...

you're gonna grow

a mustache and a penis,

Are you serious?

Okay, you guys,

we've gotta get back toJohn,

Okay, What we need

is one major hit...

that's gonna crush his whole

macho thing, you know?

We need him to understand

what it feels like to be us,

Right,

And what's more terrifying

to a man than...

not being manly?

I wanna see a three-man weave

from center,

Two hands, Matt,

You, too, Chris,

All right, keep it goin' now!

All right, here we go,

Alex, you, too,

Come on, Pick it up,

Better, Tucker,

Take a drink, you guys,

What's up, babe?

Hey,

How you doin'?

Good,

Um, are you tryin' to bulk up?

Yeah, Coach has me

drinkin' 'em twice a day,

Oh... not working,

I mean, the slim look works

for some guys, but...

you're definitely losing tone,

I'm losing tone?

Yeah, Maybe you should

double up doses,

Yeah, Maybe you should

double up doses,

Yeah, Yeah, Thanks for

the heads-up, babe,

Hey,

Oh,

Hey,

Hey, can I ask you a favor?

Uh, I'm-I'm in need

of a lab partner,

I was with Alex, but...

he got burnt pretty badly

in an experiment, so...

Oh, Well, before I say yes...

how exactly did he get burned?

Uh, well, that is open

to interpretation...

because he will say that it was

my fault, but I clearly said...

''Dear God, man, you're on fire,

Run for your life,''

A clear warning,

Yeah,

Okay, Well, uh,

you can start by measuring...

graduated cylinder,

All right,

Whoa, Slow down,

Huh? All right,

Get down at eye level,

And wait till the bottom of

the meniscus is at that line,

I'm-I'm sorry,

The meniscus?

Wait till the curvy part

is at the doodad,

All right,

Slowly,

Stop right... there,

- Oh!

- Oh!

Oh, God! I...

Oh, my gosh!

Sh*t, I spilled it!

What do I do? What is this?

- Sodium chloride suspension,

- Oh, God, I have to get...

- Ow, it's burning,

- Really?

'Cause, uh, sodium chloride

is... saltwater,

Ah, it's burning!

Oh, Well, okay,

Then I didn't burn myself,

It just kinda...

looks like I peed,

- Hey!

Hey, all right, All right,

This is just silly!

This is...

Hey! Cool it,

Yeah, Kate,

Geez, cool it,

What?

Lay off,

That's sensitive,

I'm sorry, princess,

Did you chip a nail?

Really, how many times do I...

have to flush

before you go away?

Play clean,

Hey, if I wanted to listen to

an a**hole, I would've farted,

That's an awful thing to say,

We got a technical foul:

He started it,

He's bein' mean,

Dude, that's mine!

I got low blood sugar!

I need it,

Do my thighs look fat

in these shorts?

De-fense! De-fense!

John!

John!

Come on,John!

What? Why are you

lookin' at me like that?

I'm open!

Fine!

You see?

Now look what you made me do,

- Time, ref,

John, you okay?

Yeah, Why?

Don't I look okay?

'Cause I feel okay,

I feel fine,

I'm great,

What are you saying?

I'm saying focus,

We got one minute left on

the clock to finish this game,

I'm in it,

On three, One-two-three...

ALL:

Kodiaks!

Tucker,

Tucker, are you okay?

Can you finish the game?

No,

I-I-I'm anxious and bloated...

and...my nipples hurt,

Don't be a pansy-ass!

We need ya,

Get up, Let's go,

No! I won't!

I mean, i-i-it's always me,

''W-W-We need you,John,

Let's go,John,

John-John-John!''

You're always yelling at me...

but you never listen to me,

What about my feelings?

It was a kill-strike...

Leave me alone!

...and it landed

with shock and awe,

Thanks to us,

girls would no longer be...

under the reign

ofJohn Tucker's charm,

He had finally fallen

from grace...

and we were

on top of the world,

Bye, guys!

Yo, what's up, guys?

Tommy,

Mm-mm, mm-mm,

What you did

on the court last night...

was the most courageous thing

I've ever seen any man do,

This is my peer-counseling hotline,

Give it a call

anytime you want to talk,

I stay up late,

A real man knows how to feel,

I want to feel a real man,

If you ever need a shoulder

or a hug or, you know...

anything... I'm here,

Rule #2 in warfare;

never, ever,

underestimate your opponent,

Hey, sweetie,

Can we talk?

Look... I know

I wigged out last night,

My peer counselor says

I need to look into...

my emotional responsibility,

So, I've been doing

some ''me'' work...

and, uh, it's really been

clearing things up,

Hmm,

And, well, you know there's

only one girl for me,

But... I don't think

that girl is you,

I mean, we had a fun run,

You know?

I'm just ready to find...

something deeper, more complex,

So... we good?

Well... he dumped me,

That shallow bastard

thinks I'm not complex?

You, like, invented complex,

I'm so depressed, I couldn't

even enjoy the break-up sex,

Oh, my God, I'm such a slut!

Ow!

- Oh, God!

I can't believe

I ate meat for him,

I mean, it was fish...

Still, I don't eat anything

with a face,

Mm, try this,

It's really good,

Chocolate on chocolate,

Oh, yeah,

Chocolate is theJohn Tucker...

of all snack food,

What, it's gotta get with

every candy on the shelf?

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