Johnny English Page #5

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but I'm afraid the queen is abdicating.

What?

Abdicated?

But that's not possible.

I only wish that were true.

- Let me talk to her. Maybe she just--

- Pascal, she's gone.

My people have spent

the last 10 hours...

trying to track down

the rightful heir to the throne...

and they've come up with a name,

which they've double-checked.

Who is it?

- It's you.

- No!

## [Whistling]

[Radio Announcer] In the wake

of the return of the Crown Jewels...

to a police station

in North London,

Pascal Sauvage has requested

that his coronation...

take place this Thursday.

In the House, the prime minister said he

was looking forward to the ceremony...

and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage

will make a fine king...

and will bring all that is best about

modern Europe to our ancient institutions.

[Doorbell Ringing]

Get your car keys.

We've got work to do.

- Miss Campbell.

- Sauvage is heading back to France.

He's invited 13 of the richest criminal

masterminds in the world to meet him there.

I'm sorry, Miss Campbell.

I'm off the case.

It's been reassigned.

I know.

Reassigned to me.

- I want you with me.

- Just leave me alone.

Are you gonna sit here in this

grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself?

Or are you gonna get out there

and save your country?

I'm gonna sit in the flat.

- Johnny, this is ridiculous.

- I'm a spent force.

Spent, my ass.

Ow.

Will... you...

please... stop?

[Groans]

I'll just be a minute.

NORTHERN FRANCE:

It'll be nightfall in an hour.

Then we can strike out for the chateau.

The fact is, the moment Sauvage

gets that crown on his head,

he'll be able to do whatever he likes

with the country that I love,

and that is why you and I

have got to stop him.

- Relishing the thought?

- Something like that.

I suppose you've made love

to lots of women, haven't you, Johnny?

Uh--

Uh, well, you know,

one does one's best.

It's just--

Well, it's been three years

since my fianc left me,

and since then I haven't

made love to anyone.

But then I met you...

and I felt this...

hunger...

deep down inside.

I wanted to say things to you,

I wanted to do things to you...

that I haven't wanted to do

in a very, very, very long time.

[Gulps]

What, uh--

What sort of things

are we talking about?

Things like

punching you in the face,

kicking you in the backside for being

such a pompous, know-nothing a**hole.

But then I started to see beyond

the idiot that everybody else saw.

I started to see

the man on the inside...

who was determined to do his duty,

no matter what or who lay in his way.

And I began to feel

other things for him,

to want to do

other things for him.

Things...

involving plastic toys

and soft cheese?

- What? [Scoffs]

- What? What?

You're toying with me. You're telling me

to stop in the gentlest way you know how.

No. N-N-No--

You're such a special person...

not to take advantage of me

while I'm vulnerable.

- N-No-- Well--

- So thank you...

for being such a gentleman.

Not at all.

I know what you're thinking,

Miss Campbell.

If we don't pull this off, God knows

what might happen to England.

Actually, I was thinking there must be

a better way in than that pipe.

Well, there isn't.

I've analysed it from every angle,

and this is the best option.

I'll go in first, and if it's a clear

way through, I'll call down.

Johnny.

- Be careful.

- I'm always careful.

Ohh.

[Gagging, Coughing]

[Fart]

[Toilets Flushing]

- [Tapping On Glass]

- Gentlemen.

In a few hours time...

I will become

the next king of England.

[Whispers]

Oh, no.

Hyah--

[Gagging, Coughing]

- How did you get here?

- Up the ladder.

Pull yourself together.

It's only a bit of poo.

Oh! Oh, it's cold!

It's cold!

What is the one commodity...

the world never seems

to run out of?

Criminals, gentlemen.

- [Guests Murmuring]

- Lawbreakers.

Every nation in the world

struggles...

with the issue

of overcrowded prisons.

So, what do we do

with all these villains?

Find the solution

to that problem...

and the governments of the world

would pay you through their nose.

Fortunately,

I have found a solution.

We empty every prison

on the entire planet,

we take the resulting

tidal wave of human scum...

and we put it here.

[Gasping, Murmuring]

The moment

I am crowned king,

I will turn England

into the largest prison...

in the history

of the world.

of prime real estate...

conveniently separated

from true civilization...

by 20 miles of ocean...

- and soon to be available...

- Come on.

for the entire world

to dump its human waste in.

According to

current projections,

we will not run out of prison space

for the next 500 years.

So, tonight one,

and only one, of you...

will leave here

owning 49 percent...

of this venture.

So that's his little game.

We must get hold of that DVD.

But how, Johnny?

There's only two of us.

You're young, Miss Campbell,

and inexperienced.

What you seem to

have forgotten is that...

[Over P.A. Speaker]

nobody knows we are here.

At our disposal we have

the vital element of surprise.

Now, my plan is simple

but effective.

I shall drop from the gallery at this end

of the room and take Sauvage prisoner.

You will then enter from the far door,

cutting off any means of escape.

Then, using Sauvage as a hostage,

we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?

Get 'em up,

you French ponce.

But, Mr English,

I'm gobsmacked!

What an unexpected surprise.

Surprises are very much

my speciality, Sauvage.

I think we've seen

enough of this.

I know exactly what you're planning,

and I'm here to put a stop to it.

My bottom will be king of England

before you are.

Wrong again.

Perhaps you'd care

to look behind you.

Oh, please.

[Weapons Cock]

Lorna!

I'm sorry, Johnny.

Well, I'm afraid

that we'll have to...

conclude the floor show

for tonight.

Not so fast, Sauvage.

You may have taken me,

but you'll never take England.

Not as long as I have

breath in my body...

or a bullet in my gun.

[Click]

You know, Mr English,

I'm going to miss you. Really.

You're very entertaining.

I thank you.

Take them away.

[Radio Announcer]

Good morning, everybody,

and welcome to

the breakfast show.

[Speaking French]

As the crowds are gathering here for

the crowning of our first French king...

since the year 1066,

call here at London FM with the top ten

things you most love about the French.

We haven't had

any calls yet, uh, at all,

but the lines are still open

and I'll give you that number again--

zero, deux, zero, sept--

This is not good,

Johnny.

We've got to think

of something.

[Johnny]

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Hop! Hop!

And hop! And hop!

And stop!

Now, are you familiar...

with the shaman throat warblers

of the Guatemalan delta?

What?

It has long been

their belief...

that a whistle pitched at the precise

resonant frequency of a metal lock...

will vibrate the levers in such a way

that the door will simply swing open.

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