Johnson Family Vacation Page #5

- Hit it.

Ah, you got it.

Nate, stop it.

Stay on your side of the bed.

Nate, I'm serious now.

Hey, it's not me.

Stop hogging all the covers.

All right.

All right, all right.

Aaah!

What?

Get out.!

Get out, get out.!

Get up!

I'm gonna do somethin'.

I'm gonna do somethin'.

Use my shoe.

All right, I got it.

I got it.

Yeah, the shoe!

The shoe!

Aaah!

- Daddy.

- Get back.

- Get out there, Dad.

- Hit it hard!

- Get the alligator! Kill him!

- Get him, Dad.

I know what I'm doing.

I got what I'm doing.

- I don't know what I'm doing.

- Be careful.

Daddy, you're struggling.

Daddy, you're struggling.

Hey. Hey, Daddy, I'm comin;

- I'm gon' help you right now.

- D.J.

DJ...!

Don't go in there!

Oh! Get him, Dad.

I got him.

Get him, Dad.

Get him, Dad.

Oh!

- Hold up.

- I got him. I got him.

You can't drown no alligator.

They live in water.

- That's they habitat.

- I'm gonna flush him.

That's right, Dad.

Flush him. Flush him.

Twinkie? Twinkie.

- Twinkie?

- It's not bath night.

- What... You know this thing?

- Oh, come to Mom.

Oh, Twinkie wouldn't hurt a fly.

- Let's go.

- No. I know, I know.

Shh. Dorothy, your shoes

makin'too much noise.

- Take those off. D.J., pick up your sister.

- I got her.

You are now entering Kansas,

the Sunflower State.

Yo, Dad, can we pull over?

No, son. We can't stop.

I can already smell my mama's cookin'.

But I really need to go.

It'll only take a sec.

D.J., we just stopped in WaKeeney.

Now, I warned you about drinking

all those pepsis so close together.

You're just gonna have to

learn a lesson.

Think of something dry, like...

Mama's meat loaf.

- Come on, Dad.

- We are not stoppin'.

Oh!

You know, son...

the only reason

I'm hard on you is...

well, because one day you'll

wear the pants in your own family.

People will depend on you.

Now, how can they do that...

if your pants are hanging

all off your behind?

Have you thought about what you're gonna

do if this rap thing doesn't work out?

Well, I was thinking about

law school...

or medical school.

But then Mom said

she'll help me incorporate.

So, I was thinking about...

coming out with my own line

of hip-hop pajamas.

- Pajamas?

- Yeah. You know how puffy has Sean John...

and then Jigga has Rocawear?

- Oh, my goodness.

- Check this out.

D.J.'s p. J.'s.

Baggy always.

Baggy.

I told your mother not to stand by the

microwave when she was pregnant with you.

Wait a minute.

What the hell?

Wait a minute.

Stan?

Stan. Yeah, right.

There you go, Stanley.

Yeah.

Man, where's my...

Ah. Let me get

a little swallow.

No. No, no. No.

Dad, don't drink that.

Nah. Dad.

- Dad. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

- What the...

Uh-oh. I wouldn't have

done that if I were you.

Boy, look, I've been driving

since before you were born, okay?

- But you hit a cop.

- I didn't hit a cop.

Oh, I hit a cop.

- Aaah!

- Dad, we off the road.!

- What?

- Whoa.

- Nate, stop!

- Whoa!

Hey, Dad, what are you doing?

Aaah!

Oh, my...

Oh! No!

No, no, no, no.

Come on, man.

- No. Come on. I gotta take this car back.

- Man.

No. Come on, man.

This'll cost me a fortune.

This is ridiculous.

Oh, now the cops.

Biblio... Biblio... Biblioteca.

Oh.

Look. We'll be out of this thing

in 60 seconds.

Hey, hey, Officer.

What's goin' on?

CHips. L... I like that show.

You kinda like a chocolate CHip.

You know what I'm say... CHip ahoy.

- Is everything okay?

- What's up, brother? I can see...

it's a little hot out here

and you got...

Look, man, I'm just tryin' to take

my family down to the reunion.

You know what I'm saying?

So, can you hook a brother up, brother?

Under arrest? All of us?

- For what, man?

- Like you don't know.

You got those rapper rims

wrapped around your tires...

like you had your lips

wrapped around this here reefer pipe.

You should be

ashamed of yourself...

using that poor little girl

like a pack mule.

If we were

two counties south...

you would be in the chair.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and I'll sue. I'll sue.

- As a matter of fact, open the gate.

- Nate, come on.

No. Dorothy, let me tell... Open up.

Ain't nothin' but space and opportunity.

That's right.

Look at big, old...

So, what's that gonna be? What you

gonna do with that? I mean...

Daddy!

Mama.

Oh.

Hey. Hey, brother.

L... I mean, Officer.

Hey, I apologize.

- So, can we all go now?

- Tell it to the judge on Monday.

Monday? Man, I gotta be

in Caruthersville by tomorrow.

I don't care

where the hell you gotta be.

You stay in here,

and you shut up.

I have an audit tomorrow.

Destiny.

Muffins.

- Tell your mother for me...

- You told me not to talk to drug dealers.

- What is goin' on?

- I said shut it!

Uh, excuse me, Sheriff.

If you use the 1040 long form...

you can write off

more than just those doughnuts.

What else can I write off?

- Ma's a saint, huh?

- Yeah, she nice.

She all right.

Still gonna go to

Harold's Waffles and Check Cashing...

to get my taxes done.

See, Officer, your biggest problem was

not enough pretax write-offs.

- That's all.

- Oh.

Well, um, thank you, pretty lady.

Um, uh, what can I do for you?

How about the keys?

Nate. The reunion's tomorrow.

We're out of cash.

We... We look a mess.

Let's just pull over

and get ourselves together.

Oh, no. No, no.

Dorothy, no.

Nothing is gonna stop me

from getting that trophy.

And with no food stops,

no bathroom breaks...

anybody that's tired

can sleep in the car.

Nate, no. Nate!

Look at our kids.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right. I hear you.

We'll pull over.

Thank you.

Oh. No way.

Uh-uh. Nope. That's it.

Hold on. We're goin'.

Fine, Nate. You can drag us

to this family reunion if you want to.

But don't expect me to pretend like

everything's perfect just to impress your mama.

What?

What do you mean by that?

I mean, if she asks me

how we're doing, I'm gon' tell her.

- No, you not! No! No, Dorothy, no.

- Mm-hmm!

That woman has been against

our marriage from the very beginning.

I don't care

how hard you try.

- You will not give her the satisfaction of being right!

- Heh. Watch me.

Nate, how long has that

warning light been on?

Don't worry.

We're not gonna run out of gas.

Trust me.

- Oh, shoot.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Ahh.

Come on!

Come on. Come on.

All right, c...

Okay. All right.

Look, don't panic.

We can still make it

to the reunion.

All right,

I'll just make a call.

Oh, come on. I forgot

to recharge the batteries.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Oh, look. Looks like there's a phone

a couple miles up the road.

- A couple miles?

- I'll be right back.

- You're not gonna...

- I'll be right back.

Nate!

Oh, man.

I should run a little bit.

Okay.

That's enough of that.

Wait. What's up?

What's up?

All right, let's see.

All right, let's just find a phone,

call Uncle Earl.

It'll be simple.

Be outta this thing.

Aw, shoot.

Oh, man.! Come on.!

The corn?

I ain't goin' in no corn.

Nope.

Yaah! Aah! Aah!

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