Johnson Family Vacation Page #6

This... This, uh...

Oh, come on, man!

Who would put a phone

up on a pole? Aww.!

Here we go. Right hand, left foot.

Left foot, right hand.

Just like Twister.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Okay. All right. All right.

Hello? Operator.

I need Earl Johnson.

Could you get me

Earl Johnson?

Uncle Earl! This is Nate!

Yeah, right, right. Glorietta's boy.

We ran out of gas on Route 12.

Can you come get us?

Looks like y'all seen a ghost.

It's just you, Uncle Earl.

Yeah, it's just me. Who you thought

it was gonna be? Bobby Brown?

That the older girl back there? Girl,

you as pretty as new carpet! Look at her!

Where you stayin'?

Well, we're on our way to the...

- Y'all gon' go down to the house?

- Yeah.

I got room for ya.

Yeah, girl, I got double-wide bunk beds.

Yeah, you come up there,

I'll sleep on top, you be on the bottom.

Either way. You be on bottom, I be on top.

I take it any way I can get it!

I'll take it any way I can get it!

- I said I'll take it any way I can get it!

- I heard you.

Get that hood off.

First thing I gotta do.

Boy, give me the jackhammer.

- All right.

- Mm-hmm.

- Here you are.

- Set it down there.

- Whoa!

- Here we go! Here we go! That's right!

Here we go!

There it is!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Watch our headlights!

Looks like y'all ain't

gon' need these fog lights.

I think we just need some gas.

Gas? Heh!

You want gas,

you try some of Glorietta's pinto beans.

Don't worry.

I'll work out a plan.

Fourteen, 15 years, I know

a little somethin' 'bout a car, okay?

You just... You keep them little sweet

legs on the inside and don't get hurt.

Sitting there lookin' hot butter.

Hot butter yellow!

Girl is lookin' good.!

Here, boy.

Look like I'm gon' use my heavy artillery.

Lemme get the tweezers.

These my eyelash curlers. Yeah, that's

more delicate. That's more delicate.

Uh, all right.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Ahh.

- You need this?

Okay,

hold on to that.

Oh, God. You're killin' me, Unc.

Yo, Unc, come on.

Come on.

Now hold this and lean that...

lean that over there for me.

Now hand me

the duct tape.

What?

Oh!

Yeah, these are trusty-dusties.

Always use them.

Yeah, one of the best things

you can use is a curling iron.

So, you fixed it, Earl?

Uh-oh.

There's two answers to that one...

No and not yet.

What I realize is...

It's a funny thing. Y'all ain't got no gas.!

- That's what I told you.

- All this time, you didn't have no gas!

But I'll get this thing runnin'.

It'll run on lawn mower fluid.

Put lawn mower fluid in there.

You won't go as fast.

You'll go about 16 miles an hour.

So I'd always say

stay in the slow lane.

It's gon' take you about, oh...

gon' take about 16, 17 days

to get back to California.

- What?

- But y'all a family. Y'all'll have a good time.

I know exactly what to do to have

this car back up on its feet and rollin'.

Baby, how you doin'?

There you go.

Thank you.

Just what you think you doin'?

Stickin' your fingers in my food.

Hey, Uncle Earl.!

Park around back.!

I don't want nobody

messin' with my truck!

All right.

I hear you, nephew.

Hey, everybody.! Look who I found on

the side of the road.! It's Nate and them.!

Just let us out right here.

This is good, right here.

- Nathaniel! Come on. I'm gon' have to spank your butt.

- Oh, it's Uncle Nate.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

Girl, you look good.

If you don't look like

hot sauce on a pork rind, I tell ya...

- Come on, give Earl some of that.

- Oh! Uh... Uh...

You is a hot-buttered red bone...

Look at you, girl.!

- You look delicious, like a perfect piece of fried chicken.

- Uncle Earl!

Uncle Earl.! Come on, man.

That's my wife.

- Come on, baby.

- Stop bein' a player-hater.

- Can you do something with the truck?

- I'm gon' take care of that.

Don't you worry about it.

I'll take the carburetor off there,

put it back on, take the concrete off there.

That'll be about $25-35. But just bring me

back a six-pack of beer, that's all.

Look, there's the hill where

the tree was I told you I fell out of.

- And there's the lake I used to fish...

- Hey, second-born!

Junior Mint.!

Mama's little mistake

down at the lake.

- How y'all doin'?

- Hey, Mack.

- Hey, Dorothy. I don't know how you do it.

- Mack, how you doin'?

Hey, look, Mama up here at the table.

Y'all come on.

Ooh-wee!

Hey, Mama!

- Grandma!

- And there's the birthday girl!

Oh, look at you guys!

My God! You're gettin' so big!

Look at you!

Dorothy, I can't believe

we finally got you down here.

I guess that means

you two are still together.

Well, Glorietta,

the truth is that...

- I can't believe you two made it this far.

- What you talkin' 'bout, Mama?

- The trip's less than 2,000 miles.

- I'm not talkin' about miles.

Talkin' 'bout years.

Anyway,

what were you gonna say?

What I was gonna say is...

Nate and I are going to renew

our wedding vows on Valentine's Day...

and we would sure love

for you to join us.

Mmm.

Come on, child.

Food's on the table.

Family's waitin' for you.

Both my boys here.

This is better than Christmas.!

Even better than that Christmas

I got you that new car, Mama?

Mack, you know

this ain't no competition.

We gon' let Mack and Nate pray.

See which one of'em was payin'

more attention in Sunday school.

Well, I guess since I'm the oldest,

I go first.

Fine.

All right, everyone,

bow your heads...

and close your ears.

Your eyes.

Everybody close your eyes.

Gracious God, I come to you...

as humbly as I know how...

Yes, Lord.

Praising you

and giving you thanks...

for bringing us together

yet another year...

helping us come together

to help celebrate...

my victory...

and Nate's agony of defeat.

Let us eat.

Father, Lord, we thank you...

for allowing us to come together

and share with one another.

Father, we know that you

created the birds that fly...

and gave the dogs a voice to bark.

But you wouldn't have

had to create the sun...

if you knew Mack was gonna be sittin'

over there in that bright yellow shirt...

lookin'sunny-side up like

a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.!

- Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord!

- Mm-mmm-mmm.

We, Father God, also realize...

that you are the creator

of earth and heaven...

moon and the stars.

That's how I know...

ain't no way

you had nothin' to do...

with creatin' that tacky,

gangsta-lookin', wheel-spinnin'S.U. V...

that Uncle Earl had to

drag up in here.

Hold on, Father!

Hold up! Wait a minute!

What about the time

you put pepto-Bismol in the Kool-Aid...

and everybody had diarrhea

for the summer?

- Don't let me have to mention that to Mama!

- Hold on.!

What about the time you burned down

all the bushes 'round the house...

'cause you got tired of goin'outside,

gettin'your own switch...

Ohhh, Father!

Need I have to remind Mack

while Mama's standin' here...

that he the one that had Nanette Green

in the back room...

and was doin' the nasty

on Mama's good quilt...

and that's why she couldn't

get them stains off of it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes