Joshy Page #8

to tell you last night...

But I think you

should know

that I am married.

I wanted to tell you

last night,

but everything was

a little crazy.

And it's hard.

Like, when do you--

when are you supposed to

say that?

Big time.

I'm sorry, that's--

that's my fault.

- No.

- Yeah, it's--

i should've--

there's a million things

i should-- I should have...

That's okay.

It's o--

like, I get that...

Definitely,

it is weird.

And I'm, like,

holding my face.

But it's also,

i get...

Um, you know...

Like, I know you.

Like, I know

I've never met you,

but I know you.

Well...

That's, like,

very heavy sh*t

to throw down

right now.

Um...

- I'm sorry.

- Well, I feel

a little embarrassed

that your friends

all knew.

- I feel, like, stupid.

- I'm sorry.

It's probably

weirder for you

than it is for me.

Yeah.

And I think

you're a nice person.

And I don't really

know what else to say

'cause I feel,

like, very weird.

But, anyhow,

I do have a birthday

to celebrate.

And you have,

yeah, you know.

Thanks.

It's cool.

You're good.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Oh!

- Jen:
Oh.

- Everything's

all right, though.

- I'm good, yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- Do you need anything?

- Uh, nope.

You want,

like, a water

or just, like, even

a piece of bread maybe?

Jen:

No, I don't want

any water.

You might wanna watch

your boots on the couch.

We don't wanna scuff it up

and lose our deposit.

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm really fine.

Um...

I'm good, yeah.

Eric:

Hey, buddy.

- Hey, man.

What are you doing?

- Hey.

Oh, um, she passed out,

so I don't want her boots

f***ing up the couch

and we lose our

security deposit.

- So I'm taking them off.

- Yeah, that's pretty creepy.

No, no,

it's not creepy.

- I just...

- No, in a good way.

- Oh, thanks.

- Where's your iPod?

- Uh, why?

- Because I wanna

put music on.

- Where's yours?

- I just have my iPhone,

and it's a streaming

music service.

I don't get

reception up here,

so just tell me

where your iPod is.

I mean, I'm sure

it's in my room,

- but I don't--

- okay, great.

But don't go

to my room. Don't...

Hey, buddy,

you're being a real

f***ing wet blanket, okay?

And it's getting

really, really tough

to keep everything going

with you being

a wet blanket

and these ingrates

with no ideas

of their own.

Yeah, and everyone

appreciates that,

but, you know, like,

maybe tonight's

just a wash.

Like, it's pretty late.

People are tired.

We don't need music put on.

Maybe the night's just over.

Trust me,

the night is not over.

It doesn't matter--

- it's just...

- What the f***

am I doing here?

I thought you were

taking me home.

To our home.

I thought you

wanted to come here.

No. I thought

you were taking me--

I thought you were

walking me home, my home.

- Where's my f***ing shoe?

- It's right here.

- Did you take my shoes off?

- Just the one.

I took it off

because it was

scuffing up the couch.

- Give me that.

- As long as you

were passed out,

- you want to get comfortable.

- You took off my shoes.

You're a f***ing creep.

Is that what you do?

You go to bars

and pretend like

you're a charming,

artistic nerd?

And then you lure people

back to your house?

You know, let's not start

with the name calling.

- And I'm not a nerd.

- No, you're not a nerd.

- You're a f***ing psychopath.

- Everything's fine.

- Get the f*** off me!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Can I drive you home?

- No, I don't need you

to f***ing drive me.

- Oh, sh*t.

- I know how to walk.

- Ari:
Oh!

- It's a rental.

- You wanna

borrow a coat?

- What did you do?

- I think she likes me.

- Man:
Eric?

- Hey, yes. Come on in.

Hi. If you could just

quickly come in here.

- How are you?

- Hey, how are you?

I'm good. Nice to see you.

I'm Eric. Come on in.

Greg?

- Oh, my god.

- Eric, what did you do?

- What did you do?

- What did I do?

- Greg, lights, please.

- Adam:
Hey, that's my iPod.

- - Gentlemen, let's welcome

to the stage,

Kylie and crystal!

- Oh, my god.

- That's right.

- Hi, ladies.

Come on in!

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Eric:
This is Joshua.

- It's his lucky day.

- Oh, you must be

the one getting married.

- Eric:
Aw.

- Congratulations!

- Mm-wah.

- Lucky guy.

Wow.

- Eric:
Please, unpack,

ladies, unpack.

- Woman:
Okay.

Hey, will you guys

let your friend outside

- know that we're here?

- I'm sorry. What?

The suspicious-looking one.

I'm sorry,

I'm not catching

a word of this.

I mean, suspicious

compared to the way

you guys look.

- Give it a slap.

- Okay.

- Double.

- Do you want a dance?

- You don't have to,

you know?

You can just-- you don't

have to do all this.

You can just hang out.

It's just whatever

makes you feel

comfortable.

I mean, I assume

you got paid either way.

- Woman:
What do you want,

though, sweetie?

- Look.

You can dance

while you're doing it

or you can just

- sit perfectly still.

- You need someone to talk to?

- Always.

- When you have

a bunch of thoughts

and you don't know

what to do with them,

just crush them.

And then you align

the thoughts, you know?

And then you make

logic of it. Look.

- You see one

thought over here.

- Yeah, totally.

- Another thought over here.

- Yep.

If we make four thoughts,

we can have two thoughts each.

Two thoughts each, okay.

You kind of look

like my boyfriend.

- Adam:
I do?

- Yeah.

- Ladies.

- Adam:
You're dating

someone who resembles me?

Oh, yeah.

Not only dating,

he lives with us.

He's a really good

step-dad to my daughter.

- You smell so good.

- How do we differ?

I mean, does he dress like me

or does he sound like me?

- Oh, he's Mexican.

- Okay, that's one

crucial difference.

Woman:
Yeah.

I have to give her

Insulin shots every morning.

Adam, your music sucks.

We got to change to

a new song, buddy.

She also has

a really bad

lung condition.

- See what we got

on the next one.

- Adam:
I'm sorry, what?

Classical?

Come on, man!

This song sucks, too.

What's on your iPod?

Well, you--

it's just on shuffle,

so I don't know what's

gonna come up.

Well, I didn't know

that when I grabbed

your shitty iPod

that all the songs

would f***ing blow!

Yeah, it's almost like

when I was putting music

on my iPod a year ago,

I wasn't thinking about

fun stripper songs!

Eric:

No, you didn't do that!

You didn't plan anything

except to play

your f***ing board game,

just like nobody here

planned anything

except for me!

I try to do

one nice thing

for everybody!

- Bring strippers,

f***ing turn this...

- May I have this dance?

Don't insult

my f***ing friendship

with somebody

that you don't

even know that well!

Where the f***

do you even get off

coming in here

with this bullshit?

It's just-- you know what?

I don't need to stand here

and be shouted at!

I'll take my f***ing iPod.

It's insufficient.

I'm sorry it's not

good enough for you.

Take your ball!

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