Journey to Saturn Page #2

---

halal style and foed you to the rats!

- l just want to be your pork partner!

- These are my family photos!

Time out, boys.

Gorm the Old, Harald Bluetooth,

Sweyn Forkbeard' Harald ll, -

- Canute the Great ...

l'm sorry.

l was way too sensitive. A real

Dane can handle insults and taunts.

You're absolutely right there,

my little monkey boy.

- You fat ... You blg, fat bastard.

- Rlght on!

Stand by for lift off.

Man your stations.

Sergeant Skrydsbl.

Wait a second.

We've got T minus 4 mlnutes and 12

to llft off! lt is a clear violation.

- You must read it before lift off.

- ls it cleared according to protocol?

- No, but it contalns ...

- lt can be contaminated with anthrax!

- But it's about Per. He's ...

- Brief me when we're airborne.

Now, let's have a bitchln'

awesome heck of a party! Here.

Beer. The favourite

soft drink of the Danes.

Beer is a pacifier, not a satisfier.

Balthazar!

No, Balthazar!

Come back here!

Main booster start.

Lift off!

Mon cherie!

Man, thls sure ls enough to make

your a**hole rock and shake, aln't it?

Mr. Maj, look over here.

Owr, but really ...

ACCESS DENlED

Kurt Maj, look over here.

Mr. Prime Mlnister, look at the duck.

Mr. Maj, l seem to have a problem

with protocol 314.

lt's a video, but l can't access it.

And l've never heard of it befere.

Don't trouble your pretty head

with that technical stuff.

But l'm Techical Director, Mr. Maj.

What's the protocol on knocking

befere approaching your superior?

- That ... yo shod knock flsth?

- Exactly.

lf thls had been Kabul, your mother

would've had you back in a body bag.

Look me ln the eyes.

l knew lt! You've got it.

The look of death. We've

stared death straight ln the eyes.

You never forget your first time, huh?

The first kill!

Mine was ln Belrut '82. Them were

the days. How many kllls have you had?

That ls ... two ... eh,

fifty ... nlnety!

lt's an honour to have you aboard.

Let's have a real astronaut chat.

Yes, definitely. l just have

to check some ... navlgation stuff.

That's right, Per.

The mission comes first!

What a beautiful cow.

Please sit down.

- Bratwurst?

- So big!

l just love that movle, dude! Ole

has to watch lt at least once a day.

Then llttle Ole will come out to play.

And for a dollar, l'll let you watch.

Aah, p*ssy, wonderful p*ssy.

Let's have some p*ssy ...

See what l've made, dude.

A pee bubble! Made of pee!

Ylkes! Get that thlng away from me.

- lt's just llke urine squash!

- No! My photos!

- Ole's invented a new sport with pee!

- l'll be damned ...

Be quiet!

Yuck, sham on you!

That's what comes from having such

a ... wog aboard this craft. Yuck!

l expect discipline on thls mission!

ln the Gulf, we dldn't have any

of thls stlnking monkey business!

HOT DOGS:

They're almost there.

All hands on deck!

ETA on Saturn ln T minus 15 mlnutes.

Ready for landing?

Say, what are you dolng?

l'm ready to put on my helmet in case

of ... acute decompression symptoms?

Of course! Why didn't l think of that?

Good polnt, Per.

Touchdown. Welcome to Saturn.

Good! Form formation

"The Capture of Saturn". All hands!

l hereby raise this flag as a symbol

of the Danish colonlzation of Saturn.

For King, Country ... No, for God,

Klng, and Country. Yes, l'm ready.

God save our gracious King ...

No, dammit!

And hero is Denmark,

and hero is Denmark, ol, ol, ol.

Thls ls a clear breach of the chain

of command! Turn that thing oft!

From the top!

Hey ho, here we go,

d'ya want Ole's cock' you filthy ho?

And Ole ... Ole ...

Don't worry. lt's under control.

Give me your wristwatches.

We, the Whlte Gods, bring you glfts

as a token of our good lntentions.

Obey us, or we'll use our flre sticks!

They don't llke you shoutlng at them.

Flddlesticks. Primltlve civllizatlons

need to know who's ln charge.

- Hear, hear!

- They don't seem primltlve.

We come from a highly developed

country called Denmark.

We want to use your natural resources

for our high technologlcal machlnery.

We'll teach you about democracy and

freedom of speech. Great spin-off!

See how he turned hostile

when l talked about freedom of speech.

lt's the way yu say it.

Draw your weapons! Let's see how they

like good, old-fashloned brute force!

- Bad ldea!

- Basra!

Dang lt! Ouch!

l don't belleve lt. My trigger finger!

Sh*t!

The closest planet we could find is in

the Solaris cloud, just 12 years ...

Get to the point!

What is the size of its water supply?

- Two percent.

- Two percent?

But we have sucked all

the other planets in the galaxy dry.

You idiot! Two peroent will not even

keep the army going for a week!

Bless you ...

Beloved Dictator, we have captured

this gang of aliens.

We demand to be treated ln accordance

with the Geneva Conventlon ...

- ... our military rights.

- lnsert the translators now!

Let me go, you terrorlst bastard.

This is utterly ...

They don't have an orifice

in their back for the translators.

They must have an incredibly

primitive DNA structure.

Hey, wait! There's an orifice

further down. Roll in the machinery.

Oh, yes!

A little more to the left, please.

Tell me where you come from.

Just state your name,

rank and home port.

Arne Skrydsbl, sergeant in the Navy,

Planet Earth.

- What buslness have you on Saturn?

- Arne Skrydsbl, sergeant, Earth.

- Are the translators fitted right?

- F***, that hurt!

- lt should work perfectly.

- Take them away.

Bring them back when it's tlme

for dinner. You two, follow me.

Hopelessly otdated.

What's he saying?

... I've kept an eye on you since

my first test probes reached Saturn.

l know that water is

of vital importance to you' -

- yet you have problems procuring it.

Allow me to present, Planet Earth.

Earth, known as the Blue Planet.

just waiting to be sucked up.

This is an offer you cannot refuse.

Drop by Earth, and we'll discuss this.

l look forward to meeting you.

Strlp this sorry craft of everything,

and then prepare my spaceship.

Where the hell are they?

- They went out to stretch thelr legs.

- They should have been back by now.

Hey! That mlght be them.

What?

Oopsy doopsy ...

There goes all of our communication!

l won't stand for that tone of voice.

Accidents may happen, you know.

lt'll take days to re-establish

connectlons. That was our only server.

Annoying, isn't it?

Well, l'm sure you'll flgure lt out.

Come here.

We have a pretty gift for you.

Gu ga gu ga gu ga.

Well, horrlble testicle torture ls an

unavoldable aspect in our business.

Just see is as a work hazard.

That makes lt all easier.

Cheers, Ole.

My last one! lt should joln the rest

of the Brewsky family ln my belly.

l'm like a beautlful flower.

l need a beer or l'll wlther away.

- l'm witherlng away!

- What are you dolng?

l thlnk our prison cell is made

of frozen metallic gas.

lt has crystallized and appears hard

but vaporlzes if exposed to alcohol.

- How dld you know?

- l am a doctor of nuclear physics.

Any porch monkey can clalm that.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes