Joy Ride Page #2

Hey, there. Who's this?

-Rusty Nail.

-Nice, nice.

Well, Rusty Nail,

I hope you're doing better than I am.

This drive seems like it's taking forever.

Roger that, Candy Cane.

You got him. You got him.

It's easier sometimes if I pretend

the person I'm talking to is next to me.

Pretend I'm sitting there with you.

Just the two of us and the windshield.

All right.

Go, go. Tell him what you look like.

So, I'm 5'10". I got dirty blonde hair

down to my shoulders.

-I got blue eyes and really soft skin.

-This is turning me on.

If I were there, Rusty Nail,

you know what I'd do?

Tell me.

-Awesome!

-I'd make you feel good.

You would?

If I asked you,

would you unbutton my blouse?

Sure.

Then I'd take it off. So, now what?

What do you want to do to me?

-I've never really done this before.

-This is so classic.

I'd take off your bra.

Okay. You take that off.

No, no, no. We can't lose this guy. Go.

I couldn't hear that, Rusty Nail.

Rusty Nail? Sweetheart?

That was almost so good! Damn.

-Did we lose him?

-Yeah.

Sh*t.

You're a gifted CB prank caller,

when you commit to it.

"I'd take off your bra."

Don't park in a handicapped space.

There are spaces all over the place.

Yeah, I know. That's my point.

Dude, I'm going to gimp it.

I'm not just going to run in there.

Sit here. I'll work us a deal, okay?

If one more goddamn maid

knocks on my door, asking about towels....

-I'm sorry, Mr. Ellinghouse.

-Sorry, my ass!

Where's your boss?

I want the real manager. The white one!

The one whose first language

is f***ing English! Understand?

Could I get a room for the night?

You can disturb me. I love towels.

-I'm not done here, friend!

-I know that, amigo.

I haven't slept in two days.

You best not mess with me.

-Just take care of your own sh*t.

-Peace.

Tomorrow morning,

mark my words, a**hole...

...long talk with your manager.

And your brown ass is going.

F***ing punk.

Dick.

Candy Cane.

Candy Cane.

Hello? Candy Cane?

-God! Did you see that fat f***ing guy?

-Listen.

Hello, Candy Cane, are you there?

-You are kidding me.

-Can you believe that?

-Have you talked to him yet?

-No. I haven't said anything.

Anybody out there know Candy Cane?

Come on.

-What?

-Tell him you want to meet, get together.

You want to see him later

at the Lone Star Motel in Table Rock.

Room 17.

-Do you love prison so much?

-We're in Room 18. You saw that prick.

-The giant?

-The prick is in Room 17!

I can't do that.

Come on. That guy sucks!

He body-checked me on the way out.

I know. I saw that.

What? You saw that?

And you're not jumping at this opportunity

to exact some much deserved revenge?

Are you crazy? Come on!

-Do it!

-Calm down.

This is amazing!

Rusty Nail? Hey, there.

Candy Cane? I thought I'd lost you.

Well, I guess fate wouldn't allow that.

I'm glad to know you're thinking about me.

Listen, I'm pulling over for the night.

Would you be interested

in getting together later?

Aren't you meeting Black Sheep?

That was the plan but...

...how about I blow him off

and take a chance with you?

I love you, man. That is so great.

Relax.

But, I'm not sure I'd be what you'd expect.

You are a man, aren't you? With a soul

and a heart? That's all I'd expect.

Great.

Listen, I'll be at the Lone Star Motel

in Table Rock, if you're interested.

Pink champagne.

Tell him that you like pink champagne.

If you could bring some pink champagne,

it's my favorite.

That was good.

What room?

Sweet.

Room 17. Midnight. You got that, baby?

I got it.

I can't wait.

That was mean.

I know, I know.

This is awesome!

That guy sucks. He totally

body-checked me on the way out.

-Do you ever miss home?

-Yeah.

I miss Mom's chocolate chip cookies.

Playing football with Dad on Sundays.

Going to....

Wait, that's somebody else's childhood.

What I meant was, "No."

You should call sometimes,

when you don't need bail money.

How often is that?

-I'm serious.

-I call.

I know what he says every time

he hangs up.

That I'm the world's biggest loser.

And that's coming from a plumber.

That's coming from a guy who wears

a lime-green jumpsuit to work every day.

They don't need me. I don't need them.

It works like a charm

if you repeat it enough.

Listen.

Hit the TV.

It's Rusty Nail.

Who the hell is it?

I brought the drink.

This is so amazing.

I brought the pink champagne.

Is this a goddamn joke?

I swear to f***ing God.

-What, are you f***ing with me?

-This prick is such an a**hole.

That was weird.

You know what I think?

I think someone might have gotten hurt.

No. We would have heard that.

We did. There was a gasp.

What if that Rusty Nail guy got hurt?

That wasn't a gasp. That was a laugh.

Where are you going?

Are you calling Mom?

Hi. We just...

...heard some disturbance

in the room next door, Room 17.

-This is the drama queen from Room 18.

-That's hard to say, like a thud.

We think someone might have been hurt.

We thought you'd want

to check that out, maybe.

All right. Thank you.

You know what's going to happen, now?

The prick's going to kill the night manager.

Hello?

All right. Thank you.

-The guy said everything's fine.

-What did I tell you?

-How are you today?

-Pretty good.

-Where are you boys from?

-Originally, New Jersey.

Why are you here?

We're driving cross-country.

My brother, Lewis.

-Where is he?

-In the room. I don't know.

We had a little incident here last night.

You hear any sounds? Anything odd?

Yeah, actually...

...next door, I heard some sounds.

-Next door?

-Yeah.

-Could you describe those sounds?

-Yeah, sure. They were like....

No, wait.

Like that.

-What's going on?

-This is Lewis.

There was a situation last night.

After these sounds, did you look

out your window? Open your door?

-No, sir.

-What happened?

After you shut your door around 10:15 pm,

you saw no one until I came this morning?

Right.

But we did call the night manager

because we were concerned. Right?

Yeah, he mentioned that.

He also said one of you had an altercation

with the victim.

-Which of you was that?

-Wait. The night manager said what?

Apparently, one of you had words

with the victim when you checked in.

No. We never met.

-What?

-Ellinghouse.

He was staying in Room 17.

The huge guy? Yeah, I met him.

But he's not--

What happened to him?

It wasn't comely.

I don't know what that means.

He was found early this morning

lying face down on the highway median.

So you're saying that the...

...the huge guy is the victim.

So you have no idea who might have

visited Mr. Ellinghouse's room last night?

No, sir.

I wish we could be more helpful, but....

-Is he dead?

-Coma.

Know what I'm thinking?

I think taking a little look-see

might refreshify your memory.

Taking a look-see at what?

Ripped his jaw...

...clean off.

That is the pain in my ass.

My own personal file of ongoing sh*t

I got to deal with.

And now guess what?

Now, I got me another one.

Mr. Ronald Ellinghouse,

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