Jury Duty Page #3

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Think about it.

Write her a note?

There you go!

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

clearly, whoever committed

these horrible atrocities

is a savage beast.

In fact, we have no proof

that these crimes

were even committed

by a human being at all.

You know,

I've seen some pretty

smart animals in my time.

I've seen a chicken

play the piano.

And the gibbon?

Everyone forgets

it has a thumb.

Indulge me, if you will.

"Disturbing the peace,

loitering, shoplifting,

"armed robbery,

"burglary,

"impersonating

a U.S. forest ranger,

"receiving stolen goods."

These are all crimes

Carl Wayne Bishop

has been arrested for.

Petty crimes.

A far cry from murder,

wouldn't you say?

As we all know,

Sh*t.

killing a man

is not easy.

It'd be safe to say

there are not many killers

among us.

Hopefully none.

It takes persistence

and determination to kill.

Why, just last spring,

I found two mice in

my garage,

and I had the darndest time

killing those little suckers.

Isn't it then logical

that an unfocused,

misdirected youth,

such as my client

would never have

the get-up-and-go

that it would take to

stun, strangle and dispose

of the bodies of

seven full-grown men?

Carl Wayne Bishop

is an angry man,

but not a killer.

For lack of a better word,

he's a screw-up.

Objection, Your Honor.

You can't object.

This is my opening statement.

Counsel will

approach the bench.

A gibbon?

A chicken who

can play piano?

Calling his client

"a screw-up."

This is a waste

of taxpayer's money.

What in God's name

are you doing here?

(SIGHING)

Your Honor,

I don't think it's fair

that you guys get to have

your own little

powwow over here,

while we can't listen.

We have to hear, too,

for information.

You're a juror.

Get back in that box!

(WHISPERING) I'm just

trying to do my job.

Number 6, come on.

Back in the box.

You are in trouble.

(SNORTING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:

You're watching Justice TV,

America's number one

court channel.

All verdicts, all day.

And now,

our top-notch legal expert,

Hal Gibson.

Hello, court fans.

What a trial we have

for you today.

The People versus

Carl Wayne Bishop.

What a doozy!

In the corner of the accused,

we have Defense Attorney

Fishburn.

The tests are back and

they say DNA:
"Do Not Ask."

This guy

is fresh off the farm, baby.

Court appointed.

He has zero wins, five

losses, with one in appeal!

I mean, are you serious?

This is an NC:
No Contest.

An M and M:
A Mis-Match.

The guy's a fighter,

but he's no Dershowitz!

Look for him to go

"ad hominem," baby.

It's all he's got.

In the State's corner,

we have Prosecutor Starling.

She's a PTA, baby:

a Prime Time Attorney.

A-one, top of the line,

Stanford educated.

I mean, this...

MAN ON TAPE:

I can accomplish my goals.

I have a winner inside me.

I am no one's doormat.

If I believe,

others will believe.

(SNORING)

Come on,

Principal Beasely, please.

I can accomplish my goals.

I have a winner inside me.

I am no one's doormat.

Ahh!

If I believe,

others will believe.

I can accomplish my goals.

Evening, Number 6.

Damn.

Bye-bye.

I am no one's doormat.

If I believe, others...

Hold down the fort, Peanut.

It's time to take action.

(BARKING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXHALING)

Ahh!

(CRASHING)

(CAT MEOWING)

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Sorry.

(JINGLING)

Hi!

Can I help you, sir?

Hah! Yes!

I'm in room 505. I need

to switch rooms, please?

Oh, okay.

Oh, oh, uh...

Mr. Collins, I'm sorry.

You're one of the jurors.

Unfortunately,

I can't move you.

Those are

especially assigned rooms.

That's ridiculous!

I can't sleep.

Look, see the luggage

under these eyes?

Huh? Do you see?

Look. Look. Look.

You got glasses on.

Take a look. Luggage.

Luggage. Louis Vuitton.

How do you expect me

to render a fair verdict?

Do you realize

that there's a man's life

that hangs

in the balance here?

I'm afraid

it's out of my hands.

(GASPING)

"I'm not your doormat!

I can accomplish my goals!

"Turn the tape over, now!"

I wish there was some way

we could work something out,

but I'm afraid there isn't.

Three more

cancellations, sir.

The renovations

are causing more disturbance

than we figured.

Any more of these

and I'll lose my shirt.

And that lovely tie.

Russell, old buddy, old pal.

I think I have an idea.

When can we

expect a verdict?

I cannot say.

Any word on the verdict?

No comment.

A verdict?

No comment.

Boss, look.

How about a verdict?

No comment.

Any word on the verdict?

Holiday Suites Hotel,

where every day's

a holiday!

Ah, ah, aha!

Hey, Russell, buddy!

Mom, Dad, come see

the Holiday Suites! Ooh!

STARLING:

Dr. Brookings,

as the preeminent expert

on the psychology

of serial killers,

tell me,

why would a man choose

to live under the same roof

as his victims,

amidst his own

personal killing field,

as it were?

It's quite simple, actually.

It all boils down

to an issue of control,

which at its

most basic human level

can be attributed

to penis envy.

By having these dead bodies

buried in his living room,

clearly

there's some kind of...

Is something the matter,

Juror Number 6?

Yes, actually,

I didn't get that last bit.

What was it attributed to?

Dr. Brookings?

Penis envy.

Excuse me,

what kind of envy?

Penis.

I'm sorry,

I couldn't hear the...

Penis.

Just once more.

Penis! Penis! Penis!

(ALL LAUGHING)

After Mr. Bishop was fired,

what did you

overhear him say?

He said,

"I'm gonna kill you."

He said, "Your days

are numbered, matey."

He said,

"Your ass is tabouli."

(CROWD MURMURING)

I...

I saw him stab...

Stab a weenie and say,

"I wish it were you."

(SOBBING)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(SIGHING)

No further questions.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Hey!

Have a good night, guys.

We're going to bigger

and better places,

my friend.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, yeah.

(PANTING)

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Peanut, this is

gonna be a long

trial, huh!

Mr. Collins,

welcome to the

El Presidente Suite.

Your new home

away from home.

Wow!

Every day

isn't a holiday.

Every day is an orgasm.

(CHUCKLING)

Since your

endorsement this morning,

our phones have been

ringing off the hook

with reservations.

Anytime, Cadbury. Anytime.

I'll scratch your back,

and I'll let you know

what you can scratch.

Uh, yes, well.

Oh, you have a dog?

Sort of.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:

When that gassy,

bloated feeling strikes...

MALE ANNOUNCER:

Damaging ultra-violet rays...

And he watches TV?

MALE ANNOUNCER:

Finally, a category called

"Kings Named Haakon."

Peanut loves Jeopardy.

(BARKING)

"Sports" for $200, please.

What happened to him?

We don't talk about that.

But hey, you should see

some of his tricks. Watch.

Roll over.

(WHINING)

Through the hoop.

(WHINING)

Stage fright.

But this one, he always gets.

Sit.

Huh!

Good boy, Peanut.

Good boy.

Russell's gonna find

you a big slab of

roast beef,

'cause you're so smart.

(YODELING)

That's the Peanut call.

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