Just Before I Go Page #4

from wanting to beat him senseless

to letting him buy me a beer?

No one said the path to killing yourself

was gonna be easy.

Thanks for being my death muse.

Hey, Greta.

I'm sorry about your grandmother.

Try not to do anything

too interesting tonight, okay?

Oh, sh*t, I gotta tell you

about this f***ing...

crazy dream I had last night.

Me and you went to this

real fancy restaurant

and the waiter came up

and it was your father.

And he was, like, telling us we had

to leave, that they wouldn't serve us.

So I got mad, right?

I was like, "That's bullshit."

And I looked to you and I'm like,

"Tell him how f***ed up

this sh*t is." Right?

And when I look at you,

you're standing right behind him.

You're a waiter, too,

and you're telling me to leave.

I couldn't believe it.

Well, in my defense,

it's not because you're gay.

It's because we just... we just...

we just don't serve n*ggers.

I knew you didn't like black people.

You are so racist.

You're not all black.

That's true.

Come on.

Just promise me you'll talk to somebody.

Anybody.

Okay.

They just couldn't stop

the bleeding, you know?

I'm sitting there thinking...

"It was a sneeze.

It was a f***ing sneeze."

Something inside her head just blew.

Just like that, she was gone, you know?

I don't know, f***.

And then I had to go home.

I had to tell Henry.

And he's like, you know...

He's like, "Where's Mama?

Where's Mama? Where's my mama?"

That's the saddest sneeze story

I've ever heard.

How's your dad been through all this?

He's the biggest f***ing a**hole

to ever slip an arm through a sleeve.

He wouldn't close the store

the day of her funeral.

Jeez.

He doesn't acknowledge his grandson

because he has Down's syndrome.

Who the f*** could hate Henry?! Who?!

Hey.

I'm really sorry about the way

I treated you in school.

If I were you, maybe a little bigger,

a little tougher,

I'd want to kick my ass

for the sh*t I put you through.

That f***ing old man, I swear to God,

he made me his punching bag

since I could walk.

I don't know.

Maybe I just needed a punching bag, too.

That doesn't make it right,

but I am truly sorry.

Don't worry about it.

All right, I want you to take that and

I want you to smash me in the head with it.

You need to hurt me like I hurt you.

I don't want to do that.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight

unless you bring the pain, bitchpants.

- I can't!

- Do it! Just do it!

Do it, you f***ing p*ssy,

or I swear to God I will make you...

God! F*** me! Come on!

Motherfuck-bucket!

Oh, f***, yeah!

- You sure you're okay to drive?

- Oh, f***, quit asking me that.

I only live like six miles

from this fuckhole.

- All right.

- Dude, so great seeing you.

You, too, buddy.

- That was fun.

- Oh, my God.

You're a good man, Ted.

Hey...

Hey, can I ask... can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, sure.

Would you help me kill my dad?

Why not?

Yes!

- All right.

- All right.

- I'll be in touch.

- Yeah.

I'm awake. I'm awake.

Sh*t.

I saw it was your Monte Carlo, Chief,

thought maybe you'd tied one on

and needed a lift.

No, I let my kid brother use it.

He's kind of going through some sh*t.

Well, just so you know,

it was twice the legal limit, so...

Oh, yeah? It was twice the legal limit.

I could say the same thing

about your boobies.

You should see 'em underneath the shirt.

- See 'em out of uniform.

- I don't feel good.

- What's the matter?

- I don't feel good.

Yeah, well... hey, I'll see you

at lunch tomorrow, okay?

- Hey, hey.

- I'd like to see you at lunch tomorrow.

Yeah? That can be arranged.

Oh, God.

You wanna talk?

Okay.

Look at that one.

These are...

- really...

- Gay?

Yeah. Yeah, they're...

they're really gay.

- So you're...

- I think so.

- You think so?

- I mean, you know, I have a boyfriend.

- Yeah, I suck his dick.

- Okay.

Yeah, you're... you're probably gay.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to talk to your dad?

Or are you just gonna tell people

through cock drawings?

No, he... my dad is...

I think I'm just sitting with it

right now. You know?

I think I just kinda needed

to tell somebody. Say it out loud.

So, last month at school...

I was walking down the corridor with

a couple buddies of mine after practice.

Coming the other way

is Ralph Brooks, right?

He's a skinny little blond kid.

He's... gay.

Anyway, you know,

he's... he's walking towards us and...

and me and him make eye contact

and he gives me this... this...

just like f***ing

half smile thing, like...

You know, like he knows....

or something.

Well, I panic.

You know, so when I passed by him, I mean,

I just slammed my shoulder into his chest.

I mean, I did it f***ing hard.

You know, he just... drops.

He's just sitting there

and he's staring up at me.

I've never hated anyone as much

as I hated him in that moment.

I mean, I don't... I mean,

I don't wanna like guys.

I don't want to be hated like that.

I don't know.

Here we go.

- Can I get you anything else?

- I think we're good. Thanks.

I think somebody likes you.

Don't be a dick.

Come on, that kid is gayer than a mouse

shoved up the ass of a gerbil

shoved up the ass

of a sixth grade music teacher.

- Why are you such an a**hole?

- Relax, I'm joking. Jesus.

- You're not funny.

- He didn't hear me.

I'll tell you what. I'll tickle his bag

on the way out. Make nice, okay?

- Idiot.

- And people think I'm funny.

- Yeah, your wife thinks you're a riot.

- What's that supposed to mean?

F*** you. That woman worships

the ground I walk on.

- Why is she masturbating in front of me?

- I told you, she's a sleep masturbator.

- She's awake and you know it.

- Oh, yeah?

She's pissed at you

and that's how she's getting you back.

The woman sh*t on your pillow,

for Christ's sake.

She was asleep! God damn it, she was

dreaming about the time her cat had kittens.

Is she asleep

when she spits in your coffee?

I've seen it, Luck.

I got this.

And... you're welcome for the free room,

board, and transportation, too. A**hole.

After the birth of Margie, my third,

I was back in a size four a month later.

I was always thin.

I could always bounce right back.

You remember how my parents

owned that Laundromat, right?

Yeah, the Fluff and Fold.

God, I hated that place.

Every day we would just have to...

wade through a mountain

of other people's dirty laundry.

I just thought,

"I will never be like my parents."

I mean, how can they spend their lives

washing and folding

other people's sweat and stains?

Then one day I was in my cellar

washing my fourth, fifth, sixth,

load of dirty clothes

while I folded another from the dryer

when I heard the cellar door open

and a whole new pile was tossed down.

And I thought...

"Oh, my God."

Let's do a shot.

- That sounds great.

- Yeah.

Okay, so be honest.

You're actually kinda happy

that my grandmother's dead, aren't you?

- No.

- Come on, don't lie.

I'm not lying. Not long from now,

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