Just Married Page #3

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Oui, mademoiselle.

- You never told me you spoke French.

- It was that summer abroad I backpack to Europe.

Ah, here we are. For Mr and Mrs Leezak.

Must be some mistake, no?

No, no mistake. Mr and Mrs.

What the hell?

- These sports scores are two days old.

- So?

So? You know perfectly well if I don't have

an up-to-date sports section,

work it throws off my whole day,

starting with my morning dump.

Honey, there's gonna be

satellite TV in the hotel.

Voila.

Ah. I wonder what kind of wheels we got.

I'm telling you, this is not the car.

I specifically ordered a compact.

This is a European compact.

No! This is a Ringling Brothers compact.

I've owned Tonka trucks bigger than this car.

Honey, I looked at the brochure,

and there was a Fiesta

on the cover, not a Bingo.

Aw. Baby needs a great big car

to make him happy?

We could really use a Dodge about now.

We could

really use a Dodge about now.

What was that?

You just sound so American.

We could

use a Dodge about now.

While I'm makin' a doody,

can you hand me my sports section and bare with that?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Are you mocking me?

No. Baby, just floor it.

I am flooring it. If I pushed any harder,

my foot would blow through the floor,

and we'd be Flintstoning our asses there.

Ooh, whoa, whoa, turn here!

- You OK?

- Yeah. You?

Yeah.

If you'd told me about the turn maybe before we pass it,

I wouldn't have had to pull such a nascar crazy manuevere!

I was busy looking at the map!

Somebody had to navigate.

Listen to us. We sound

like an old married couple.

Never again.

Just for the record, why did I

almost get us killed back there?

Because that's our hotel.

- It looks like a castle.

- It is a castle.

Then that's precisely why it looks like one.

- Let's go.

- OK.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Let's go.

Ohh. Look, baby, look.

It comes with free nuns.

- Bonjour.

- Bonjour.

- Bonjour. Merci.

- Bonjour. Merci.

- Bonjour.

- Bonjour.

Merci.

- Ah! Bonjour.

- Bonjour.

Merci. Bonjour. Merci.

Bonjour. Merci. Bonjour. Merci.

- Vous etes Americans?

- Oui.

Welcome to Hotel des Reves.

I am Henri Margeaux.

Nous sommes Sarah et Tom LeezaK.

- Leezak, no!

- Oui.

- The honeymooners?

- Oui.

- No!

- Oui. Why?

So fresh and young to have marriage, no?

No. We're married.

I almost forget.

Ooh, presents.

"Congratulations.

Have a wonderful honeymoon. Love...

Peter. "

That's a platonic "love".

Forget about Peter.

Here. Please enjoy.

Room, all upstairs.

Francois, les bagages, en haut.

Tout de suite, s'il vous plaitt.

Oh!

- Bonjour!

- Merci!

Ohh! Tell me this isn't your fantasy.

This is better than my fantasy.

Good, cos we're paying out the ass for it.

Honey, just for the record,

when you talk about money,

especially it coming out of your heinie,

it sort of kills the romance of the moment.

Right. Sorry.

Now fight your deep urge to be cheap,

and give the bellboy a large tip.

All right.

- Hey, do you guys provide satellite TV?

- TV in bar.

- So there's no TV in this room?

- TV in bar.

- Ask him if they have ESPN.

- Pour I'amour de Dieu.

Je lui ai dit, a monsieur,

que la tele est dans le bar.

Je crois que sa femme n'est pas vous.

C'est la tele.

He said the TV's in the bar.

He also said that if he were here with me,

he wouldn't be concerned with TV.

He makes a point.

- Oh, I gotta call Mom and Dad.

- Talk about killing the romance.

I told them I'd call. It'll just take a minute.

Hi, Mom? It's Peewee.

Oh, say hi to P*ssy for me.

P*ssy...

Tom says hello.

Yeah. Oh, it's so great.

Uh-huh.

"To Tom and Sarah.

Enhance thy honeymoon. Love, Kyle. "

I'll call you later, Mom. Bye.

Cheese and rice.

Is that a Thunderstick A200?

Since when did you become an expert?

- I told you about that night I had in college.

- You didn't tell me about the hardware.

Getting a visual?

We gotta charge this thing.

- That plug won't fit in a European outlet.

- I'll make it fit.

Come on.

Honey, Don't force it.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

Holy dude Jesus. Good thing that

didn't happen when we were using it.

Oh, God.

Allez dans la cour,

s'il vous plaitt, tout de suite.

Come on! Come on, Thunderstick!

- Oh, no. OK, just leave it.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

My grandparents

installed the wiring in the hotel

before World War First!

It worked fine, until you young kids had

to bring out your toys and ignore the sign!

That is the... the...

- That's in French, for christ sakes.

- That's because we're in France.

- Is there anything we could do?

- Pay the damages.

Hold on there, Jacques.

Je m'appelle Henri Margeaux.

Whatever! Look, this hotel gets

guests from all over the world.

It's your responsibility

to put some American on your signs.

He means English.

Sarah I'm trying to negotiate.

So I must make my hotel of dreams

like every other Howard Johnson's,

with a bright orange roof?

- It wouldn't hurt.

- Imbecile de cochon d'American.

- Cochon what?

- Stupid American pig.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Well, I guess that makes you

a stupid French...

frog!

Oh, yeah. I said it. Frog!

You get out of my Hotel des Reves!

I wouldn't stay in this dump if you paid us!

- Let's go to the Ho Jo's honey.

- There are no Ho Jo's here Tom.

Sarah, please!

There is a farm up the road.

And they have a nice pigsty for you!

Yeah? Well maybe they'll have

a nice little bulldozer,

and we can finish this place off, tough guy!

And the credit card bill will be

a fat one, Mr Tough Guy!

Yeah? Well, we're keeping the champagne

and the cheese, Jacques-strap!

Let's go, honey.

What's wrong?

Where are we gonna stay, Tom?

Don't worry. This is like a vacation zone.

We'll find a place.

Now get your sh*t. Let's go.

What's the next place?

The next hotel with no vacancy

would be Schloss Hilliger Winterswald.

- How far is it?

- 120 kilometres.

In miles, please!

- I'm learning so much.

- Oh, me too. Me too.

Let me guess...

This is great. This is just what we need.

- Do you want me to drive?

- Honey, I can drive in the snow.

Turn off your brights, jackass!

Great. Now we get to freeze to death.

Look, we'll just... We'll sleep in here

and we'll dig out in the morning.

I'm so glad I get to hear the phrase

"We'll dig out" on my honeymoon.

Yeah.

Just get it over with now and blame me.

If you hadn't insulted Henri and never talked, we wouldn't

be spending the evening in a snowball.

I'm sorry. Next time, I'll try to be a little

bit more refined like your friend Peter.

- Good night, Tom.

- Good night, Sarah.

Are you gonna hate me forever?

Mmm...

I don't know. Hm...

Wanna get drunk and make out?

Well, that's not gonna get me drunk,

but we could make out.

We could get injured doing this.

I'll settle for a cuddle.

Just let me get the shifter out of my ass.

OK.

Sarah... It's morning.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my...

- Oh, my God.

It's incredible.

- Let's just stay here for the rest of the trip.

- Fine with me.

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